Hi well here we are - the day to see the surgeon is here. I feel like my stomach is churning , my mouth is dry and I cant concentrate.
I am counting down until 2pm our time to get to the appointment. Part of me wants to go to find out what lies ahead with the treatment plan and another part of me would just like to run away and hide.
In my rational mind I know the cancer needs to go and I am all for that - but it is what it takes with it that Im not so sure about.
The laugh is the breasts I had when younger are no more in any case - after having 2 girls and breast feeding they have been almost reabsorbed which is a pity as if they had have been bigger perhaps a lumpectomy may have been possible.
I know in my head that it is just a bit of your body and that it doesn't define who you are - and I have never been strongly focussed on shape and figure - gave up on that years back.
Yet here I am being presented with the possibility of losing part of me and it feels like a huge undertaking.
I still have a deep peace that all is going to be okay but know I still have to walk through the steps and deal with what those steps throw at me.
A friend and I were laughing the other day as ironically I have always had an interest in Breast cancer and when I did my return to nursing course in the Uk about 6 years ago now - I worked on a womans health ward and a good proportion of those ladies were dealing with breast cancer.
I took them down for pre op scans and cared for post mastectomy patients and even took a lady down to have her prosthesis fitted.
The training to specialize as a breast care nurse was quite long and not possible for me to do at that time. Little did I know that a number of years later I would be having a personalised crash course of my own.
Well its almost time for the appointment so off I go to find out what awaits me - I am hoping we will get details of surgery dates etc but will see.
Deep breaths - Be strong and courageous , be strong and courageous - I am hoping I will be xxx