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Thursday 30 June 2011

Shine on me .......

Well its over a week since my last blog entry and I have had a few messages to check if I had been admitted to hospital!
Thankfully that has not been the case - it has been an absolute miracle that I have not caught the bug that has hit Grandpa and B as they are still not quite over it themselves!
I still just have a slight head cold with runny nose - nothing more than that and no temperatures !
It have just been feeling really exhausted and I guess not firing on all cylinders.

It is hard to believe that next week I will be heading back for my next chemo treatment - overall this one has not been too bad - as I said before the symptoms have been manageable.
What I am realising though is that one of the unexpected parts is the isolation it puts you into. A friend I know who has been through breast cancer treatment herself said that it can be a lonely disease!
I have been so blessed to have caring people around me and wonderful meals arriving at the door etc and for this I am so thankful but I guess part of the challenge is that for the first 10 days or so after chemo - you are feeling so yuck that interacting with anyone is difficult and then for the week after that your white cell count is so low that you aren't able to interact with many people anyway.
In this last week I have missed out on being able to see my lovely friends new baby - the girls had been so excited to go and visit her at the hospital but unfortunately we couldn't go and now we have to wait until the weekend at least before a visit, another friend was having a surprise birthday tea which I had been invited to and couldn't go to either.
The laugh about it all is too - that just recently a good friend popped a meal over but I was very tired and a bit cranky when she came anyway.
Its a bit of a weird one - you miss seeing friends yet at the same time aren't really up to socialising as you usually would be - so hows that for a chinese puzzle!?!

Our home has been a buzz with activity and noise with Granny and Grandpa here and the girls on school holidays - b has also had a fare amount of time at home whilst studying for exams - he however is back to work full-time again this week , Granny and grandpa fly home on Tuesday and the girls go back to school the following Monday.
It will all be quite different in the weeks ahead - we are of course still waiting to hear about the exam and visa etc - so never a dull moment.

The weather has been a bit grim these last few days - rainy and overcast - perhaps that is affecting my mood.
I did also hear some sad news about a contact I have made on the breast cancer network I am part of .
It has been such a great way of getting first hand info and tips from ladies who have walked the road a further way than I have - but in connecting in you realise that not every story goes so well. This particular lady is such an inspiration and positive person - it is hard to know that greater challenges are ahead for her and her precious family. You feel so connected to those on the network and want so much to help walk the road together and shoulder the good and bad.
I also realise how fortunate I am with my pathology and how thankful I am for the promise of a hope and a future.

Well as I write this the sun is breaking through the clouds again - it is always there isn't it - just sometimes hidden from view for a bit !!!!

Thursday 23 June 2011

Seize the day !!!!!

So I know it wasn't long since my last blog and yet here I am again - thats what happens when you lie awake staring out of your daughters bedroom window into the night sky.
Too much time to think!!

I was lying again thinking about how much has happened in these last couple of months - funny thing is if you had asked me at the beginning of this year if I would cope with something like cancer - I would have laughed and said are you nuts!!!!
Before all this began we had already been going through a rough time related to many areas - work, staying here, indeed our long term future .
I was weary with it all then and yet as I look out into the night and the amazing sky of stars dancing in the darkness I am struck that although yes I am tired - at present I am not weary.
In these last months I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, faced a barrage of medical tests and procedures, may as well have taken up temporary accommodation at our local hospital, endured surgery and now my first chemotherapy.
In this last week I have had nausea, tingling hands and feet,  rash, itchy skin, sore bones, upset tummy and cramps, headaches, fatigue etc.
Each day I am faced with a body that is not as I have known it - I have an arm that I have to be aware of for the rest of my life , I have an armpit that will permanently remain numb , not to mention the challenge  of dressing!
And yet in all this I feel more like me than ever !!

I am not saying this road is easy - its not - but even today as I published a picture of my short hair on a social network page - I was reminded in an overwhelming way that I am not on this road alone.
Such kindness and care around in my world.
An encouraging word or deed - how powerful !!

Life has had its twists and turns along the way - it certainly has not been an uneventful road so far.
Yet here I am facing this giant and now I see a strength within me that I thought had long since past !
I know this is not of my own making and for that I am so thankful - those words I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me echo in my head.
Over my life my journey with Him has ebbed and flowed, been challenged and had challenges and yet I realise now more than ever that He is ever constant.
His love is truely unconditional and ever-present.
This is not just true for me but for you too!

So I guess my thoughts are don't wait for pain to stir you in these things - hold your life with both hands, tell those you love that you do , take time for those quiet moments of stargazing!!!
Choose your battles , take time on the simple things and live life fully.

I have shared before that a friend said that cancer is the gift that keeps on giving and yes the gifts are pretty lousy, but one gift that it has given, that is worth receiving, is having what matters in your life being brought into sharp focus.
Don't wait for something like cancer to do that for you.
Carpe diem - seize the day!!!!

Well it is now very late or early hehe - so I shall return to my star gazing and hopefully fall off to sleep!!!
I have the words of Fievel singing in my head ( the little mouse from An American Tale )

"Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight , someones thinking of me and loving me tonight....."

What a sweet thought xxxx

Wednesday 22 June 2011

Hold on tight !!!!

Well Day 7 and still going!!!

It is another sunny winters day here  - very good for the soul.
It is incredibly quiet here on the farm today - B is doing his final prep for the exam tomorrow - eek - Miss C is off with Barbs on a girlie shopping day and sleepover - Grandpa is in bed with a very bad cold - and Miss A is relaxing in her room still in her pj's .
Lets trust it is not the calm before the storm!!!

I was advised that from about Day 7 - 14 to avoid being with lots of people and certainly to avoid anyone with any sort of cold etc.
Hmm well that is going to be a bit tricky since my lovely husband and his dad are both coughing and spluttering.
Not the best timing!! B seems a bit better today thankfully but poor old grandpa is not sounding good at all.
He is spending the day in his bedroom today - I have opened all the windows and even put the ceiling fans on to clear the air!
The house is chilly but I am focussed on getting that fresh air through!

I had a slight panic attack last night as the men in the household were spreading their germs. I packed my bag for the hospital in anticipation of a late night visit!
I was told that at any sign of illness or rise in temperature in myself that I should head straight to emergency , take no chances and present my very special pass go quickly card to the staff on duty.
I would then be taken aside immeadiately and have bloods etc taken to check my white blood cell count.
The usual plan of action is hospital admission and isolation on intravenous antibiotics for a number of days!!
How would I survive without my laptop - hehe - we have become quite attached recently!!!!!
What a laugh - there I was whirling around packing my bag like I was about to be hit by the bubonic plaque!!
So much for having faith no matter what!!
Well I reminded myself of what I had said just recently and once again realised that nothing is in my control.
That no matter what, I need to trust God - be wise and sensible with the necessary precautions etc of course - but no matter what, I am in his hands.
Amazing how peace was restored.

So last night I slept in with Miss A. Sleep being a very loose term - we definitely need to get her a new mattress!!
She of course thought it was great - a sleepover with mum - she was relegated to a spare mattress on the floor.
We had a nice chat and then before long she was fast asleep. She had had a very busy and funfilled day down in the Big city with a friend and her daughter. She was all shopped out!!
I lay awake off and on most of the night enjoying the view of the night sky and stars from her window.
Was very peaceful and lay with memories and thoughts of our life that had led to this point.
That is a whole other blog hehe .

So here we are - the day before B takes the final plunge. It will be such a relief to have that at least behind us!
Would have been nice to go and do something to celebrate after but all in good time.
It is going to be one humdinger of a party in December for sure ....

Monday 20 June 2011

Answered Prayers - A thankful heart !

Well here I sit in bed on Day 5 after my first Chemo.

I have so much to be thankful for ! I have been hit with a few side effects but nothing like I had anticipated!
The last couple of days I have just felt as I have lost the wind from under my sails!
 I have spent the days in bed snoozing - what a luxury!!
I have followed all the instructions I was given , drinking gallons of water, mouthwashing, moisturising, lip balming, plain ,small and frequent meals, taking meds etc.
I have never spent so much time on myself - it is a strange sort of road this mystery tour as each day brings something new.
Last night I couldn't sleep as I felt like I had run a marathon and my body was reaping the rewards - well I can pretend at least!!
My husband thought it hilarious  the very thought of me running a marathon - how rude!! hehe

The girls have taken it all in their stride so far - I think we are all relieved just to get past the first step!
It has actually been good for us all to just relax together - the weather has been on our side - glorious winter sun and clear blue skies which I can see from my window!
I have tried to get a little fresh air every day - although my body is not managing much activity!
I think multiple trips to the loo must surely count as exercise!!
It is school holidays here at the moment and friends have rallied to take the girls out and about in between!

I am thanking God daily that this has been manageable so far - I have heard so many terrible stories - yet why should we be surprised that prayer is answered when it is happening on my behalf all over the world.
Whenever negative thoughts try to creep in I listen to / read something contrary to that!
' He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the Shadow of the Almighty.'

I read a quote from CS Lewis last night which said  ' God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain.'
Funny that we need to be in pain to hear His voice the loudest - I guess thats the only time some of us stop talking!!
The article I was reading was by a man who himself had struggled with cancer - he was talking about consciously entrusting your suffering to God.That it is not just about miserably enduring pain and hoping God sees your plight but to embrace your pain and know God is at work in you.
I can hear you thinking hmm clearly she needed a lot of work!! A work in progress for sure !

In the same article the author quoted the following from Andrew Murray - a perspective in times of struggle!

He brought me here. It is by His will I am in this strait place. In that I will rest.

He will keep me here in His love and give me grace in this trial to behave as His child.

He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me the lessons He intends me to learn and working in me the grace He means to bestow.

In His good time He can bring me out again - how and when He knows.

I like that way of thinking - hand in hand with my Father I will make it - one step at a time .........

Friday 17 June 2011

Chemotherapy no 1 !!!

Well it is Day 1 after my first chemotherapy treatment and I have to say I  am feeling much better than I thought I would - thank you for all the prayers and encouragement that have been sent my way!

We started the day yesterday at the chemo unit at around 9.30 - I must say I went in feeling calm - trusting and praying all would go well!
I was shown into a side room adjacent to the area with all the chairs that I had been shown before!
They said I would be in there as it was my first treatment and we would see how I went - guess if their was any excitement best to keep it out of sight.
The staff were cheerful and friendly and the atmosphere was very relaxed.
The Dr came to see me first asked a few questions to get a baseline and then we were ready to get going.
Step one was to get an intravenous line set up - the nurse looking after me was very sweet but when she found out what B's job was I think it unsettled her a bit.
Sadly she blew my first vein - so I asked B to go for a dander and come back once I was set up.
A different nurse came in and had success - so that was a relief!
Due to my mastectomy I only have one arm available for cannulation so it was suggested I that I should have a portocath inserted along the way. This is a port that is inserted under the skin which can be accessed for blood taking and treatment - it is inserted in theatre as a day case - so we shall see!!
It was confirmed yesterday that along with the 4 chemo therapy treatments that I do require herceptin which is also given intravenously ever 3 weeks but for a year!!

Anyway - back to the chemo - I was infused with antinausea medication first then came the doxytaxel - the nurse came in with her protective clothing and gloves - I had to laugh as she was protecting her skin against what was going into my body - but they are handling these toxic substances every day so it is completely understandable they don't want to be overexposed.
There is a risk of peripheral neuropathy with this drug so I was given some icecold mitts from the freezer to wear on my hands - gee they were freezing indeed - this drug runs in for an hour - so I had no fingers by the end of it. All good though as prevention is better than cure.
This first drug is the one most likely to cause an immediate adverse reaction but we sailed through without any excitement - yeha!!!
I was so thankful - one after the other I had the drugs infused until almost 5 and half hours later we were ready to go.
I had prayed hard the night before that all would go smoothly - so glad it did!
The pharmacist had come during this time and given me a bag of tablets to fight nausea and additional side effects - so I accepted them willingly!!

Before long b and I were back in the car and heading home.
All good - apart from feeling pretty tired and a little spaced out mostly due to the sleepless night and excitement of the day before I think , I was doing okay!
When we arrived home Grandpa greeted us with some wonderful news - the biopsy results from Wednesday were in - all clear - yabadabadoo.!!!!!
We could do with some good news - not sure where i would have been able to fit in another mastectomy in the midst of chemo, radiation, herceptin, hormonal therapy etc . What a fantastic piece of news!

The rest of the day wasn't too eventful - just needed to top up my antinausea tabs and then early to bed.
Had a quick skype call to my folks in the UK . My poor dad is having a shock to his heart under anaesthetic today so wanted to reassure him that at least I was off to a positive start!
How amazing it is to be sitting on your bed looking at your family on the other side of the world - modern technology - amazing!!

I had a few strange tingling sensations in my hands and feet late last night and then felt a bit itchy here and there but it all settled and before long I was fast asleep.
I woke this morning not knowing what to expect but so far so good the meds are doing there thing and apart from a few weird sensations here and there - all not too bad.
I am just feeling pretty tired but am relaxing today so I cant complain!!

A friend said to me yesterday I can see it as poison or liquid gold. I decided I would go for the liquid gold viewpoint - I am never going to be at the Olympics so its as close as Im going to get!! Let that liquid gold flow and mop up all the gunk that we don't want!!
I have been online with my pink lady network - each has had a different tale to tell the one poor lady said wait for the pantecnicon truck to hit on day 4 - I am hoping for a small ute/bakkie - or maybe there weren't be much traffic around at all!
In any case the start has been better than expected - I am doing everything suggested to prevent /reduce side-effects. Drinking gallons of water, mouthwashing, creaming etc.

One down and 3 to go!!!
My mum sent me this yesterday before I started chemo

Your mighty arms
When Im convinced I cannot go another step
You sweep me into your mighty arms and carry me the rest of the way.
Deut 33 vs 27.

What a comfort to know those everlasting arms are there!!!
I am doing my best to rest in them every step of the way!

Thursday 16 June 2011

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!!!!!

Well what a week this has been!

I have just returned from a 6 hour chemo marathon - but will get back to that!!
I have already been to numerous medical appointments this week - they weren't kidding when they said we will take over your life!!

Monday was a public holiday here and we just relaxed for most of the day and then whisked granny and grandpa up to the hinterland for afternoon tea.
Was a beautiful day and we dandered slowly around the art gallery and had tea and cake at a nearby cafe with an amazing view right down from the mountains to the sea!!
So refreshing - homemade soup was made for us for dinner - just delicious.
Well this was to be the calm before the storm!!

Tuesday was full of appointments , physio, gp and surgeon.
So I went from one to the other and in between I did my 'chemo shop' - stocked up with all the bits and pieces that the network ladies advised me to have!
Lovely things like special mouthwash, gel for ulcers, toothpaste, panadeine, icy poles, ginger ale etc etc.
Best to have it all in hand just incase.
I am armed and ready.
Wednesday was supposed to be a day of rest prior to chemo on thursday - but sadly there was a different twist to the day.
On my original MRI etc when i was diagnosed initially with the breast cancer - a small cyst had been identified on the other side - it was ultrasounded and given the all clear.
Unfortunately it had seemed to be getting bigger last week and pretty sensitive so I had my GP check it out!
She is such a wonderful lady and I count my blessings to have her in my corner.
Well needless to say she sent me with a letter up to the surgeon to have a fine needle biopsy on it!!
Here we go again!!

So up to the hospital I went for what was supposed to be a follow up but now it took a different turn!! The surgeon referred me to radiology to book in for the fnb. So off a trotted to find radiology!
Our local hospital has been having some building work done so it is a bit of a labrynth trying to get anywhere!!
Anyway I found it in the end - on my way down in the lift a heavily pregnant young mum got in with a toddler - I asked her where she was going so I could press the lift button. She saw my form in my hand and said looks like we are going to the same place - I said yes but didn't have the heart to say that my ultrasound form was for a very different reason to hers!

I went to the desk and to cut a very long story short - due to staff shortages etc she couldnt tell me when I would be seen - I explained my circumstances re chemo starting and my hope of getting it done before that but sadly no joy!!
So I made an executive decision to drive up to the private radiology department where I had the previous Core biopsy to diagnose the cancer.
The radiologist and ultrasonographer were lovely and I was hoping that they may be able to squeeze me in on short notice!!!
I explained my long story and infact there wasn't really a space but they did very kindly fit me in and as it turned out I was to see the same radiologist that I saw last time.
I was so relieved!!

So Wednesday came and I got myself ready for this next drama - B had to be at work so my lovely friend Barbs came with me.
We had planned for her to pop up in the morning for a cuppa but now our relaxing morning was not to be!!
I arrived and there was J my friend who worked at the hospital waiting with a hug and a smile - she had nipped away from her ward to wish me all the best!!
It wasn't long before I was called - I had been hoping that it would be the lady sonographer who I had had before but instead it was the male sonographer who had done a rather delicate exam after my miscarriage a number of years back - I was hoping he didn't remember me!!
Nothing like exposing your top and bottom to an absolute stranger!!

He was actually very sweet and professional and before long I was on the table having my L breast ultrasounded - he said that it did look like a cyst but wasn't making any promises.
The radiologist came in soon after - he is such a lovely Dr with a wonderful and reassuring bedside manner.
He remembered me from before and we had a chat before proceedings - poor Barbs was delegated to the foot of the bed as it was a tight squeeze in that small room.
It was great to have another girl in the room with 2 men on either side - keeping the balance!!
Out came the needle and the sonographer said do you want to squeeze my hand - so I said yes - he had seen most of me anyway , what was the harm with a bit of handholding too!
He may have regretted it though as I nearly stopped his circulation!
So in theory that should have been it - but things aren't always as they seem haha!!
The cyst did to appear to have deflated but was a bit jagged on one side and a lump remained beneath - great!!!

So considering my history the Dr said he felt we should do another core biopsy while I was there and then it would be thoroughly investigated prior to chemo starting!!
Well what could I say - actually I did say oh Im so glad a came - not! All in good spirits of course.
So out came the supersized core biopsy needle and I braced myself for the 3 clicks to take the sample!!
After a while it was all done - the Dr asked me if I had any questions etc - so I said no but as nice as it was to see him again and meaning it in the best possible way that I was hoping not to be coming back again!!

So now we wait!!!
How much does a girl have to take - I was thinking if I need another mastectomy how will we fit that in with the chemo and how would I manage with 2 dodgy arms.
Then I thought best just file that til later and save any meltdown for the weekend after I have got through the first chemo!! joy of joys!!

Barbs was such a support and I  was so glad she came with me - she went home with me and met granny and grandpa before heading back to her lovely family!!
That evening we went to our local for dinner - our last celebratory meal before the big day and unknown road ahead.
By the time we got home I was shattered - it had been a big day but I managed to get my bits together in a basket for the day at hospital. Books, magazines, music, portable dvd , snacks etc .
I plopped in to bed in the hope of an early night - no such luck!!
I was still awake in the wee small hours !!

And so we are here - my first day of chemo has come and gone!!
I have nattered on for quite a bit so I shall post the details of today next - but don't worry overall Im feeling good ............

Saturday 11 June 2011

Hair today - gone tomorrow !!!!

Winter is truely upon us - apparently we are having the coldest weather since the 1920's - a bit of a shock to the system for sure!

The days are moving quickly and the day to start chemotherapy is fast approaching!
I went on Thursday to the hairdresser for the big chop!! I had felt that since I was going to lose my hair I should take the bull by the horns so to speak ! The girls were not too keen on the idea of me with short hair but I felt it would be an easy step in between.
And also what better opportunity to try a new look!
My friend J and I went armed with magazines and pictures - she had decided to get hers cut with me.
What a wonderful idea - we made it into an event.
If we hadnt been picking the girls up from school afterwards we would have cracked a bottle of bubbly!!

So I went first - I was a bit nervous but have to say by the time I had reached this day I was feeling quite excited. Going to the Look Good, Feel good workshop had really helped me in terms of getting my head in the right space - and place hehe .
My hairdresser and J were saying how good it looked etc as she was cutting it - very encouraging ohs and ahs!
Before long I felt like I was looking at a completely different person in the mirror!
It is amazing to see how a hairstyle can change your face.
I looked at the person looking back at me in the mirror and thought yes this person will make it through the challenges ahead - I felt somewhat liberated having taken this step.
I know that my life will never be the same and there was something poignant about seeing the pile of hair on the floor that had once been mine - cutting off the old and taking a step in the new!
J was next and in no time at all - she had been transformed also - and she looked amazing!!
There had been lots of fun and laughter in the hairdresser that afternoon - a very positive atmosphere!

Then we left to get the girls!
Well their faces were completely shocked when they saw us - my girls were at a loss for words and looked like they were going to burst into tears!
Neither said very much - C just gave me the tightest hug!
The car journey home was very quiet - my eldest daughter was struggling to look me in the eye! For them my haircut wasn't just a new look but a symbol of me having cancer and being unwell.
I am so sorry they are being forced to walk this road - it is not easy for them.
My usually bubbly happy C is facing some hardship at school -friendship issues at 9 have been so challenging -homeschooling is taking on a whole new appeal hehe - I know that underlying it all is the effect that this road is having on her. She is finding it hard to cope with her mum being unwell - her  world is being shaken up we had a long chat with many tears yesterday - from both of us I have to say - but thankfully we ended in laughter and lots of cuddles!

That night S whisked me out for a bit of shopping - actually I was hoping to look at the boobs!!
What a giggle - never been shopping for a boob before. One of the shops advertised they sold the proper prosthesis for mastectomy patients so we headed there for a look. The assistant looked right past us as we hovered waiting to be helped - and when I eventually caught her attention and explained our quest - she suddenly became very self concious and awkward. Apparently you had to make an appointment as the boob lady wasn't always there !!!
So that was the end of that search.
We headed to another shop to look at caps, scarves etc - trying on the caps was okay but standing in the middle of the store trying to twist on a headscarf was quite another matter.
S and I had teary eyes as the reality of my new fashion accessories hit home !!
What a ride we are on !!
Still a night out with a good friend is therapy for the soul - with next week approaching we were topping up my tank in advance - it was a great time.

The next morning J who had her hair cut with me took me to breakfast at a cafe near the beach - although very cold the sun was shining and the sky was blue.
There is just something magnificent about the ocean. We had a wonderful brekkie and another friend just happened to walk in alone so she joined us and we had a great time together lingering over our food and coffee .
Another top up for the tank!!
I had also spent a morning earlier in the week shopping with B who has an amazing eye for interior design - we had such fun talking about how to give my home a kiss of lipstick!!
We have a few ideas for the months ahead - so by December hopefully the kiss will be in place!!

I have had an incredibly busy week between hospital appointments and "tank top ups"and have to say I am physically exhausted but feel so blessed to have friends in my world who are topping up my emotional tank for the challenge of next week.

Today we went to the local farmers market and C went to a flower stall and returned with a beautiful bunch of gerberas for me - she had bought them for me with her own money!
She has such a wonderful heart and so sensitive - what a blessing to me!
The girls spent today with a wonderful family couple - they cuddled under the duvet at her house and watched movies together.
I am so thankful to have people in our lives who care for the girls and are able to help them in a difficult time.

B and I and Granny and Grandpa did a whirl around the shops on the search for heaters, blinds etc.
It is absolutely freezing here at the moment - very uncharacteristic - we feel like we are back in the UK.
The big buy of the day was a mini chainsaw - eek - we are needing lots of firewood to burn and B has been collecting and chopping from all over the farm.
This will certainly be a timesaving asset! However I shall have to be minding my P's and Q's from now on. hehe

So we are about to snuggle up infront of the TV for a family movie - Grandpa is whisking up a stew in the slow/fast cooker!
The scene is set for a cosy night in with my precious family.
I am so thankful for them ....

Tuesday 7 June 2011

Look Good , Feel better .....

Wow what an amazing morning I have had.

Today I was booked into the Look Good Feel better program - I had been recommended to go by the breast care nurse at the local hospital.
It is a morning run in the cancer centre in the area and basically is available for ladies having treatment for cancer including chemotherapy!
As I am due to start next week i thought it might be a good idea to get some tips before my hair and skin start reacting to chemo.
The session basically looks at good skin care, make-up regime, how to tie head scarves , how to care for wigs etc.
There were about 15 ladies there - in various stages of treatment - I think that I was the newest one to the breast cancer journey there.
To help us try everything there were some friendly helpers!
The session was run by a qualified beauty therapist who gives her time once a month to run the sessions - as it turned out this was a very familiar face to me - one of the mums from school!!
What a small world!!

We each had a spot with a mirror and all manner of skin care and make up bits and pieces!!
I must add that they weren't just samples but full sized bottles etc all kindly donated from the brandnames.
Yes they had brandnames - amongst those Clarins, Revlon, Avon, Lancome etc every lady had a selection with some of these in their range and we were able to take them all home.
I was exposed to a whole new world of cosmetics etc - my experience being more in the noname brand section hehe
What an amazing treat - we had to fill in a questionaire before attending and the selection was chosen in accordance with our answers.
Amongst my amazing selection was a Chanel foundation - something I would never have bought and will now be using very sparingly hehe !!!!

I had been a bit apprehensive about going - unsure about how I would feel facing my illness again.
Well I have to say I found the morning very encouraging and was so inspired by the women I met there.
I sat next to a lovely lady that I just hit it off with and as is it turns out lives about 5mins from me!! She has just finished her chemo and is starting on the next set of treatments!!
We exchanged numbers and are planning to meet up!
There were women going through chemo who had managed to work in between and it was great to see women ahead of me in the journey!!

I have an appointment to get my hair cut this week - I am going really short - and I have to say I am feeling more ready after today!!
I have a few more medical appointment s to get through and then it will be d- day.
This week Granny and Grandpa are away and I have used the time to get my house in order!
I did a similar exercise before the mastectomy and now am thankful I have this week to put things in place for the next chapter!
Psychologically it just feels feels better to have things sorted now - even though I know it won't take long for it all to unravel again!!

So I shall go to bed tonight dreaming of makeovers and new hairdos or lack there of hehe - perhaps I shall grasp the bald head with 2 hands and change my look forever!!
We shall see !!!

Saturday 4 June 2011

Woo Hoo Osso Bucco !!!!!

Well it is the weekend again - the days are rolling by!!

I have had just returned from a surprise babyshower for a lovely friend who is expecting her second bub!
I was the decoy to take her away and keep her occuppied whilst her deck was transformed into a haven of blue and pink balloons and goodies!
We went to a cafe near the beach and had a great time catching up - I phoned her mum from the cafe toilet to check if it was time to bring her home!
It was still a little early so I suggested we go and look at the sea for a bit - it was an absolutely glorious day - what a giggle she was so enjoying the sun I had a bit of trouble getting us moving again without making it too obvious!!
In the end she was truely surprised when we walked in the door - a wonderful afternoon was had by all!
The girls where part of the set up team and it was great to see them happy and enjoying themselves! We have had quite a few tears this week as they walk this challenge too - so it was wonderful for them to be part of something so positive.

I have to say though I am now feeling shattered - was a delight to be part of the surprise for sure . To see the joy and expectation of a baby joining the family what a priviledge.
Funny one of the challenges I faced in losing my breast was thinking that the part of me that was so  involved with growing my girls was to be taken away for ever.
I had breastfed both the girls and I was always amazed to think that my body was producing the milk that was making them grow.
It felt quite emotional to lose that part that had initially held something that promoted life and yet now held the opposite!
The circle of life !

Yesterday I had another appointment at the hospital. This time I had to go for an echo for my heart - a pre chemo test to check the status of my heart and to provide a base-line to monitor to see how the drugs affect my heart!!
The gift that  keeps on giving!!
It was a lady who did the test , it felt like it took forever and was pretty uncomfortable as she pressed her probe in my chest to take measurements .
She chatted with me about radiowaves etc and then we just carried on with the test in silence.
I lay there looking at her glass cupboard that held no medical supplies but an enormous tin of coffee , a box of 2000 sachets of sugar and lots of coffee mugs!!
It seemed the cardiac team had their priorities sorted!!
About 30 minutes later I was able to get dressed again - yes this was another case of taking your clothes off - and off I went!
There is not a week that goes by where I don't have a medical appointment of somesort!
Having cancer is a fulltime job!

Well now for a tale I have meaning to share with you!
For quite a while I have been wanting to try Osso Bucco - it is an Italian meat stew .
Dont ask me what started this craving but these last few weeks it has been in the forefront of my mind - no doubt Masterchef has some part to play.
A friend had said she had made some for her family recently and I was thinking oh I would love to try that - then when my inlaws bought us the fast slow cooker we got a slow cooker recipe book for ideas!
Just this week I had been looking through it and sure enough there was a recipe for Osso Bucco - I thought to myself when I am up to cooking I will definitely try that.
I had not spoken of my cravings for Osso Bucco to anyone so you can imagine my surprise and delight when the day after getting my chemo plan that meal was given to us.
It was in see -through containers and in large black letters  on the lids were the words OSSO BUCCO. What I also found interesting was that the friend who had made this, had also made us something a few weeks ago that was in the same containers yet it hadn't been labelled then. If she hadn't written that on those lids I would not have known what it was!
It was amazing - it brought tears to my eyes actually as I really believe God was saying to me - See despite everything I am in the detail of your life - I know the desires of your heart. I am with you.
I emailed this to the friend who had made it and she said that she hadn't made it for years and was just in a butcher that she doesn't normally go to but saw the meat there and thought she had to make that for us!!
Such an encouragement in a week of renewed challenges!

So there we have it babyshowers, heart tests and Osso bucco - never a dull moment!

Wednesday 1 June 2011

The Game Plan .....

AOkay so here we are the day after my visit to the oncologist and we have a plan in place - well mostly!!

The day began by dropping the girls off to school then straight to the hospital for my appointment. I was quite glad that it was first thing 9am so I would'nt have to wait in anticipation all day!
The reception staff were very friendly and I took a seat to wait for my name to be called!!
The chemo unit is tucked away on the second floor of the hospital - and right before it is wait for it - the labour wards!!
As B and I were waiting in the oncology unit we could hear these blood curdling screams coming from next door - clearly this soon to be mum wasn't enjoying the experience!
I guess I should just count my blessings that the screams weren't coming from within the chemo unit itself!!
Before long my name was called and in we went.

Our oncologist was a friendly and approachable man - he went through all the pathology results and said we were here to discuss our way forward.
He said that to all intents and purposes the breast cancer was gone as the surgery had removed it - the nodes and scans were clear!
The downside of this is that there is no way to measure if there are any cells just waiting in the wings ready to burst forth in the future.
So in order to reduce the risk in accordance with my pathology - he said chemo, radiotherapy , hormone therapy and possibly herceptin were all the go - yippe the full cocktail!!!
There was a delay in the herceptin status so I may not end up needing that but will find out next week!!
Having this cocktail reduces the risk significantly so that is the plan.
We had also received a letter from immigration medical section wanting more details of the cancer etc so we asked our oncologist if he could fill that out also!
Never simple! Anyway we were in there for about an hour and then back out to the desk.
I also had an appointment to see one of the nurses for education re the treatment but that wasn't to happen for another 30 minutes!
We nipped off to the cafe for a cuppa while we waited.

Well actually it was to be while I waited - Brian unfortunately had  to go work.
So we parted ways and I headed back to the oncology unit once more!
The nurse was ready for me and we dissappeared into a side room with chairs and walls and table laden with brochures etc.
She said straight away oh are you by yourself - is there noone with you!!
I told her my husband had to go to work and wondered what was to follow as she seemed worried I had to hear it alone!!
And so the chat began - a detailed discussion on the chemo , side effects etc.
I was given special cream for my mouth as I can expect dry mucosa and ulcers , gloves for my hands as they put cold hand packs over theses to reduce risk of peripheral neuropathy, a mountain of brochures and sheets about chemo, nutrition, support .
As my friend said cancer is the gift that keeps on giving - sadly these presents arent ones you would hand on to your nearest and dearest!
She highlighted that they have psychologists on sight , we discussed managing at home with the nausea and vomiting etc
I was given a special card for emergency at the hospital should I experience a fever or being unwell - I will be fast tracked , do not stop and collect $200 , if only it were monopoly!!
I was told how my cells will not be up to fighting infection after the chemo and I should avoid people and places with coughs and colds etc!!
The list went on and on.
She asked me if any days were preferable so I said well if at all possible I would like to try and be at my best on the weekends when the girls are home.
So we scheduled in the date for next Thursday.

I have to have an ECG, bloods and take some meds before starting so she went to get a script from the Dr.
I sat alone in the room looking at the wigs and scarfs on faceless stands , surrounded by cancer info and I felt a bit overwhelmed!!
She came back in and said that the Dr would prefer to delay the start of treatment to the following week as he wanted to be sure to have the results for the herceptin back before beginning!
The appointment was rescheduled and my treatment now starts on 16 June 2011...
It will run over 12 weeks and then if herceptin is required that will continue on for a year , alongside hormone tablets for 5 years.
The radiotherapy would commence just after the chemo for 5 weeks every day mon - fri.
So this will be my next chapter - I am hoping we will be able to have that humdinger of a party before Christmas!!!!

The next step of my visit was a look at the area where I would have the chemo.
It was a bright room with big windows - but full of medical equipment etc! There were chairs lined up one next to the other without seperation and 2 were occuppied by an elderly man and women - both attached to a drip and I am afraid to say not looking very well or happy. Even when I smiled they gave no response!!
I was pretty pleased when it all came to an end and I could leave.
My first chemo day I have to allow 4 hours to get things going - I had to laugh when she told me about having a reaction and not to worry as it was in a controlled environment and they were trained to react in an emergency!!
How very comforting!
So I was finished - I left armed with all my bumpf and couldnt wait to get out into the sunshine.

As I left I walked past the door to the labour ward a couple of young rather nervous looking young men were hanging around outside!
I could hear a few more grunts and moans coming from inside - I was just struck by the circle of life and how we are all just on different parts of that journey.
And despite where I had just been and what I had just heard I also had such a deep peace in my heart that no matter what I would make it!!!