Well it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog and I am sensing that this may be my last for a while.
I am now a seasoned traveller on this breast cancer rollercoaster - some seasons have been sweet and some sour.
My mum returned home over a week ago now and it goes without saying that I miss her !
These last months have been a whirlwind of happenings , breast cancer diagnosis, tests, hospital appts, mastectomy, chemotherapy , radiotherapy, specialist exams , visa applications to name a few.
It is been my desire to be as positive as I can be through each step of this road.
On the whole I have been managed to see humour at points along this road - thanks goodness for laughter.
There have of course been tears too - more recently as the pace has slowed down with treatments - I have found there have been more of those. I have found these last weeks a particular challenge.
I guess its part of the process - there has been loss.
Loss of hair , loss of breast , loss of health etc.
It has been an unexpected road with unexpected highs and lows with it.
The highs of endless meals arriving for my family , surprise packages arriving at just the right time in the post, encouraging cybermessages and love of friends and family.
Our lives will never be the same - and as I enter the next chapter of this treatment I know that this will be with me for the rest of my life.
One of the biggest effects of this has been on my beautiful daughters - they have had to deal with so much at such a young age .
Each one has 'handled' it in their own way - I am so thankful that we have been able to keep chatting and cuddling all the way through.
My youngest who has just turned 10 has had such a struggle this year and it has broken my heart to see her pain .
Sadly her school life has contributed to this and I know she is not without fault as she struggled to deal with the thought of me dying but you would find it hard to believe what has been said to her from her 'friends' and 'adults' in her world.
Anyway it is not to dwell on these things - we have to hold each other close and keep moving forward.
I have been amazed to see the strength of character she has shown for someone so young and how she continues to tenderly love me.
The head she was she worried to see without hair - she has been giving a daily kiss.
I have been so touched also at how God has met me in my lowest moments - it is at those times that a gift would arrive in the post , a friend would send a message.
Just this last week when I was feeling particularily low - a lovely friend from overseas sent me a text - it said - I was thinking of you this morning and felt to send this .
The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing
I cannot tell you what an impact that had on me to receive that on that day - needless to say there were more tears.
Just yesterday another friend told me of a picture she had for me and how I was to nestle into my heavenly Father and let Him carry me.
Just such an encouragement - I am not very good at resting but I know that I can't do this on my own.
I am so thankful that I have my faith so when I am faced with my own weakness and vulnerability I can be sure that He is strong!!
Now more than ever I am so aware of the power of love.
A kind word or gesture can have far reaching impact.
I am so thankful to all who have been reminded me of this and to have drawn my focus back onto God who is Love itself.
The same friend who sent me the above message sent me this which I think says it all.
I will leave you with this - although the future may remain uncertain and I have decisions to make - ONE remains certain.
I want to hold on to HIM tighter than ever before...................
Henri JM Nouwen writes
Today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh.
'Is it true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea?'
Lord you are the sea.
Although I may experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts in my inner life - You remain the same......
There are days of sadness and days of joy, there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude, there are moments of failure and moments of success , but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.
My only real temptation is to doubt your love.....
To remove myself from the healing radiance of your love.....
To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.
O Lord sea of love and goodness.
Let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life - and let me know that there is ebb and flow ....... but the sea remains the sea.
Love Came Down ( click here to hear a song)
Thanks for joining me on this journey via this blog - til next time xx