Okay so tonight I am feeling really annoyed about this whole cancer thing!!
I have just spent over an hour chatting to and trying to console my 9 year old daughter who has been sobbing because she doesn't want me to die!!
This journey is so unpredictable as we have had a lovely family day! It is grannys birthday and the day started with c making scrambled eggs on toast - we took it to granny while she was still in bed - we all stood at the door singing happy birthday and presented granny with breakfast and gifts!
That was until grandpa got his camera out to take a family photo ! We all scattered hehe - weren't too keen to be captured in our pjs and bleary eyes!!
We had a slow morning pottering, watching rugby and sitting outside soaking in the lovely weather!!
We took granny down to one of the local surfclubs for a birthday lunch followed by a walk along the promenade.
A coffee at starbucks and a peek in a few shops and art galleries and we were all out of puff!
We headed home - the girls and i were together singing and laughing as we went back to the farm where A made us the most delicious quiches - B got the fire going and the scene was set for an equally relaxing night!
We managed to skype my parents overseas who where shown around the house via laptop - modern technology is amazing!!
Then we chatted to my brother and sister in law who were phoning to wish granny happy birthday!
All in all a lovely day - and then .......
It was time for the girls to get to bed and then C was being a bit difficult in that regard so I'm afraid I told her off.
In no time she had apologised for her resistance and then the tears started to flow.
We cuddled in my bed and chatted and chatted.
She sobbed while saying very hesitantly that she feared I was going to die and how she didn't want that to happen .
She has been having a few friendship challenges at school and unfortunately because of what is happening with me her reserve is on empty so she isn't coping as well as she may have usually! She is feeling quite alone ! Sharing how she feels no-one at school understands what she is going through - how hard it is having a mom who has breast cancer!
Oh my heart !!!
At times she is as an old soul in a young body asking me philosophical questions about why this is so etc!
She voiced how we need to take a day off and just stay together as a family all day from morning to night without losing sight of each other !
And then the reason underlying it all I think came out - she can remember seeing a magazine in our previous house almost a year ago where there was a photo of a lady who had no hair sitting with her family and the caption read " I didnt want to go to sleep as I knew I wouldnt wake up!!!"
I don't ever remember seeing that but she had.
I have been open and talked about losing my hair not realising that for her she saw this as an indication that there was every possibility I would die!
It is bad enough that I have to walk this road but unfortunately for the girls they are forced to walk it too.
I felt so cross that my sweet 9 year old daughter is fearing going to sleep incase when she wakes up Im not there!
She has not being going to bed as usual for a while and each morning comes in and gives me the tightest squeeze - I feel sick that she has been carrying this undercover!!
She didn't want to worry me! Can you imagine - she is trying to protect me!!
Well we had a long chat about all sorts of details to do with the cancer, treatment etc and we finished off by reading a heartwarming story from Enid Blyton!!!
She was very happy to go from my bed to her own and after a kiss and another long cuddle was fast asleep!
As a mom we want to do everything to keep our children safe and protect them from harm!
Yet I know the road ahead is fraught with challenges and there will be tears - but one thing I am sure of this only makes we want to fight this all the more !
I have been blessed with a loving husband and 2 girls that I am so proud of - I am going to face this nightmare head- on.
I will lean on my heavenly Father, draw comfort from my family and friends and perservere to the other side of this cancer tunnel to see the light at the end!
Head down, deep breaths, one day at a time.
I want to make it through and hold my girls as tight as possible x
Sunday 29 May 2011
Saturday 28 May 2011
What if??
Its the weekend again - the days are flying by.
Feeling very relaxed tonight - have just watched a dvd with a glass of vino and nibblies!
The fire is burning and I'm feeling good ......
I went to Physio yesterday and am pleased to report that the arm movement is still on the up and up!!
Great news - even better is that when i told her about my back that she had me lying on the bed
and proceeded to give me the most wonderful back massage around my tender spine etc.
I was so relaxed by the time I got home that I feel asleep and woke up just in time to get the girls from school.
Only one more session with the physio to go - oh how I will miss her!!!
Had a very lazy day today - just took c to a birthday party and had a coffee there with a few of the mums - was nice to feel normal.
Today I managed to get through a bit of paperwork , bills and the like that have been left in a pile for a while now.
I have been communicating via email to other ladies in the same shoes as I - and reading of their journeys and struggles.
I know I will be asking for plenty of advice in the weeks ahead!!
The movie we watched was Letters to Juliet - a real romance!
Set in the exquisite Verona - Italy.
The film is filled with stunning scenery and red wine is flowing!! A real escape to beauty and love ( even if its hollywood style)
I was struck again by the letter that the secretaries of Juliet wrote to Claire who had placed a letter in the wall some 50 years before.
"what' and 'if" are 2 very small words but when put together mean something quite different.
Cancer although full of negative challenges also presents positive challenges too - you are suddenly so aware that life is not in our hands or under our control and as such we should embrace all that is in our world.
You see so clearly the value of those in your world - family and friends etc
You don't want to have any what if's - life does move so fast for each of us and within each of our worlds there is something to celebrate, hopefully someone to love and those who we need to tell that we care!
That old saying 'Take time to stop and smell the roses ' is beautiful yet so familiar we may not heed it!
If you feel you have no roses to smell then give some to someone else and enjoy the joy that they will have in smelling them.
We only have one life to live - no matter what - make it one that holds as few what ifs as possible!!!!
Feeling very relaxed tonight - have just watched a dvd with a glass of vino and nibblies!
The fire is burning and I'm feeling good ......
I went to Physio yesterday and am pleased to report that the arm movement is still on the up and up!!
Great news - even better is that when i told her about my back that she had me lying on the bed
and proceeded to give me the most wonderful back massage around my tender spine etc.
I was so relaxed by the time I got home that I feel asleep and woke up just in time to get the girls from school.
Only one more session with the physio to go - oh how I will miss her!!!
Had a very lazy day today - just took c to a birthday party and had a coffee there with a few of the mums - was nice to feel normal.
Today I managed to get through a bit of paperwork , bills and the like that have been left in a pile for a while now.
I have been communicating via email to other ladies in the same shoes as I - and reading of their journeys and struggles.
I know I will be asking for plenty of advice in the weeks ahead!!
The movie we watched was Letters to Juliet - a real romance!
Set in the exquisite Verona - Italy.
The film is filled with stunning scenery and red wine is flowing!! A real escape to beauty and love ( even if its hollywood style)
I was struck again by the letter that the secretaries of Juliet wrote to Claire who had placed a letter in the wall some 50 years before.
"what' and 'if" are 2 very small words but when put together mean something quite different.
Cancer although full of negative challenges also presents positive challenges too - you are suddenly so aware that life is not in our hands or under our control and as such we should embrace all that is in our world.
You see so clearly the value of those in your world - family and friends etc
You don't want to have any what if's - life does move so fast for each of us and within each of our worlds there is something to celebrate, hopefully someone to love and those who we need to tell that we care!
That old saying 'Take time to stop and smell the roses ' is beautiful yet so familiar we may not heed it!
If you feel you have no roses to smell then give some to someone else and enjoy the joy that they will have in smelling them.
We only have one life to live - no matter what - make it one that holds as few what ifs as possible!!!!
Thursday 26 May 2011
Go - go - go !!
I cant believe a week has almost passed already.
I feel like it has been go go go.
I am still driving the girls to and fro from school and it feels good to have a bit of normal routine back. They were so pleased when i took them to school on Monday for the first time in weeks. I ended up going to coffee with one of my friends who I saw at kiss and go and we just popped down to a local coffee shop .
We hadn't seen each other since before the op so had lots to chat about - clearly my hormones were still doing loop de loops as while we there a lady came into the cafe who clearly had breast cancer and must have been going through chemo! She had a very long and attention drawing scarf on and I looked at her and found myself in tears!!
So there we were in the coffee shop drying our eyes as it wasn't just me crying further into our chats my friend was crying too.
I am sure those around were wondering what was in the coffee.
Well we laughed also and it was good to catch up.
I didn't stay at the shops and headed home as I was still feeling pretty tired from the weekend.
Monday was actually A's birthday so we had candles and cake after school and she was happy. So I am now the mother of a teenager - oh lala x
We had decided that as this was such an important birthday that A could have a day off school. So on Tuesday we spent the day together. A wanted to go shopping - so off to the plaza we went. We had a great time in and out of the shops and she had some birthday money to spend so we went home with a few purchases and a very happy teenager!
It was really funny as when we were in an accessory shop I saw a lady with a short haircut that I fancied - so I was trying to take a photo with my phone without looking too obvious. What a laugh - lifting my phone and trying to get a few different angles without drawing attention - a candidate for MI5 maybe!!
Back to my reality on Wednesday with a trip to the hospital for a Lymphoedema information session.
I arrived a few mins late as it took me almost 25mins to find a parking even the multilevel carpark was full - what a business.
The session was taken by an occupational therapist and there were 6 of us , 5 ladies and 1 man.
I was about 10 - 15 years younger than the other ladies.
One lady was sitting with her crescent cushion under her arm - she was 2 weeks post op and struggling I think.
It was when I saw and heard her speak I realised how far I had come in these last weeks and how I had moved forward. Was quite encouraging!
The first hour was spent learning all about the risks etc and the joyous news that this was something we would have for the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately long haul flights increase the risk of lymphoedema although you can go with a compression stocking on your arm.
Oh the joys!!
Anyway I left informed and armed with leaflets and samples of creams etc.
My cancer file is bursting at the seams!!
The days are flowing pretty rapidly from one to the next and it is amazing to think that on Monday it will be 6 weeks since I had my op!
The oncology department phoned me today to confirm my appointment for Tuesday so it is all systems go!
Tomorrow I am off for Physio - so as I said go go go.
Amongst the madness and mayhem and my rather annoying tiredness it isn't always possible to get together with friends.
With all the appointments etc it can be hard to plan to get together but this week a few spontaneous happenings have been good.
Lunch at a friends on her lovely horse property, another friend popped over with homemade banana bread and my first hat - handmade!!
And today a coffee with a dear friend turned into a few hours just sitting watching the waves roll in onto the beach.
There is something so refreshing about sitting with the sand at your feet and listening and seeing the waves break in front of you!!
Very good for the soul!
So I am holding tight now in this rollercoaster - I know I cant get off and have nestled myself into my seat and am feeling more prepared now for meeting the oncologist next week.
I think I am in the right head space to get going with the chemo and know that the sooner we get going the sooner it will be in the past!!!!
Thats what I am believing for ......
I feel like it has been go go go.
I am still driving the girls to and fro from school and it feels good to have a bit of normal routine back. They were so pleased when i took them to school on Monday for the first time in weeks. I ended up going to coffee with one of my friends who I saw at kiss and go and we just popped down to a local coffee shop .
We hadn't seen each other since before the op so had lots to chat about - clearly my hormones were still doing loop de loops as while we there a lady came into the cafe who clearly had breast cancer and must have been going through chemo! She had a very long and attention drawing scarf on and I looked at her and found myself in tears!!
So there we were in the coffee shop drying our eyes as it wasn't just me crying further into our chats my friend was crying too.
I am sure those around were wondering what was in the coffee.
Well we laughed also and it was good to catch up.
I didn't stay at the shops and headed home as I was still feeling pretty tired from the weekend.
Monday was actually A's birthday so we had candles and cake after school and she was happy. So I am now the mother of a teenager - oh lala x
We had decided that as this was such an important birthday that A could have a day off school. So on Tuesday we spent the day together. A wanted to go shopping - so off to the plaza we went. We had a great time in and out of the shops and she had some birthday money to spend so we went home with a few purchases and a very happy teenager!
It was really funny as when we were in an accessory shop I saw a lady with a short haircut that I fancied - so I was trying to take a photo with my phone without looking too obvious. What a laugh - lifting my phone and trying to get a few different angles without drawing attention - a candidate for MI5 maybe!!
Back to my reality on Wednesday with a trip to the hospital for a Lymphoedema information session.
I arrived a few mins late as it took me almost 25mins to find a parking even the multilevel carpark was full - what a business.
The session was taken by an occupational therapist and there were 6 of us , 5 ladies and 1 man.
I was about 10 - 15 years younger than the other ladies.
One lady was sitting with her crescent cushion under her arm - she was 2 weeks post op and struggling I think.
It was when I saw and heard her speak I realised how far I had come in these last weeks and how I had moved forward. Was quite encouraging!
The first hour was spent learning all about the risks etc and the joyous news that this was something we would have for the rest of our lives.
Unfortunately long haul flights increase the risk of lymphoedema although you can go with a compression stocking on your arm.
Oh the joys!!
Anyway I left informed and armed with leaflets and samples of creams etc.
My cancer file is bursting at the seams!!
The days are flowing pretty rapidly from one to the next and it is amazing to think that on Monday it will be 6 weeks since I had my op!
The oncology department phoned me today to confirm my appointment for Tuesday so it is all systems go!
Tomorrow I am off for Physio - so as I said go go go.
Amongst the madness and mayhem and my rather annoying tiredness it isn't always possible to get together with friends.
With all the appointments etc it can be hard to plan to get together but this week a few spontaneous happenings have been good.
Lunch at a friends on her lovely horse property, another friend popped over with homemade banana bread and my first hat - handmade!!
And today a coffee with a dear friend turned into a few hours just sitting watching the waves roll in onto the beach.
There is something so refreshing about sitting with the sand at your feet and listening and seeing the waves break in front of you!!
Very good for the soul!
So I am holding tight now in this rollercoaster - I know I cant get off and have nestled myself into my seat and am feeling more prepared now for meeting the oncologist next week.
I think I am in the right head space to get going with the chemo and know that the sooner we get going the sooner it will be in the past!!!!
Thats what I am believing for ......
Sunday 22 May 2011
Stop I want to get off !!!!
So this morning I have woken up with a strong desire to get off this rollercoaster ride I am on. Every day I wake I am reminded by the strange sensations in my armpit that things are not as they should be.
I spent some time on the Breast cancer website last night looking through the posts of numerous women on the same road as me.
They are amazing women of strength and courage and yet the reality is that we are all on a road we did not choose! Stories of bone pain, hairloss, hospital readmission, chemo, mastectomy, depresssion etc etc are not stories we would want to have to share yet thousands of women do - with such dignity.
I am determined that I want to be involved with helping in this area once I have navigated mine!!
It is a glorious morning here today and that is always good for the soul.
Yesterday was a non stop funathon for A - we went tenbowling with a few of her friends. She has such wonderful girlfriends in her world - I am so very thankful for that. They laughed and danced and bowled for a couple of hours and then 2 friends joined us for dinner at a special restaurant that A loves.
She came home thanking us for such a wonderful day! I am so proud of her - she is growing up to be a very special young lady!!
Today we are just relaxing - well I am at least. The nonstop funathon has left me pooped - but was certainly worth every moment to see the joy on the birthday girl.
I am still lolling around in my pjs - so I think I better get up and get dressed at least!!
Its hard to believe that over a month has passed since I had the operation - the weeks are just rolling one into another.
Just over a week until I know the gameplan - as much as I don't want to get going I also do !!
Anyway I am feeling better now - sometimes it helps just to let it all hang out!
I am going to have a refreshing shower , powder my nose and get myself going for the day.
I am surrounded by a family I love dearly , live in a home in surroundings I have dreamt of since being a little girl , have had support from friends way beyond any thought or expectation.
My cup is full and running over - always good to look at the bigger picture.
There is a song from an old movie that says.
When life seems pretty rotten
Theres something you've forgotten
Thats to sing and laugh and dance teraah
Always look on the bright side of life te dum te dum te dum te dum
Always look on the bright side of life te dum te dum te dum te dum ..............
So I am off to do just that .......
I spent some time on the Breast cancer website last night looking through the posts of numerous women on the same road as me.
They are amazing women of strength and courage and yet the reality is that we are all on a road we did not choose! Stories of bone pain, hairloss, hospital readmission, chemo, mastectomy, depresssion etc etc are not stories we would want to have to share yet thousands of women do - with such dignity.
I am determined that I want to be involved with helping in this area once I have navigated mine!!
It is a glorious morning here today and that is always good for the soul.
Yesterday was a non stop funathon for A - we went tenbowling with a few of her friends. She has such wonderful girlfriends in her world - I am so very thankful for that. They laughed and danced and bowled for a couple of hours and then 2 friends joined us for dinner at a special restaurant that A loves.
She came home thanking us for such a wonderful day! I am so proud of her - she is growing up to be a very special young lady!!
Today we are just relaxing - well I am at least. The nonstop funathon has left me pooped - but was certainly worth every moment to see the joy on the birthday girl.
I am still lolling around in my pjs - so I think I better get up and get dressed at least!!
Its hard to believe that over a month has passed since I had the operation - the weeks are just rolling one into another.
Just over a week until I know the gameplan - as much as I don't want to get going I also do !!
Anyway I am feeling better now - sometimes it helps just to let it all hang out!
I am going to have a refreshing shower , powder my nose and get myself going for the day.
I am surrounded by a family I love dearly , live in a home in surroundings I have dreamt of since being a little girl , have had support from friends way beyond any thought or expectation.
My cup is full and running over - always good to look at the bigger picture.
There is a song from an old movie that says.
When life seems pretty rotten
Theres something you've forgotten
Thats to sing and laugh and dance teraah
Always look on the bright side of life te dum te dum te dum te dum
Always look on the bright side of life te dum te dum te dum te dum ..............
So I am off to do just that .......
Friday 20 May 2011
A tender heart ...
How is it that you can be going along fine and then boom suddenly it all feels too much!!
I have a had a lovely week with comings and goings , yummy food and friendly words and yet suddenly I am all teary and feeling overwhelmed today!!
I couldn't sleep much last night and the weird thing is is that I am not even thinking negative things - just feeling a bit weary.
Actually having said that - I have been thinking about chemo - I feel like each day now we are a step closer.
I am really dreading the start of that!
I was chatting to a friend yesterday and said now that I am on the other side of the op - I think I am fearing losing my hair more than I was about my boob!
I have tried on scarfs etc and the result is not very uplifting - I do try to see the funny side but today it doesn't seem so funny.
I am thinking I need to start a rigourous facial regime so at least I might have nice skin!!
That said I broke new ground today - I got in the car and drove to school!! The girls were very excited!
It all went well - just felt a bit uncomfortable but not that it affected the driving except for parallel parking - was awkward to twist my neck and manoevre the wheel!!
What happened to my multitasking technique!!
I saw a friend at the kiss and go and she suggested a cuppa - so we shared our tales over a cappuccino !!
Always great therapy!!
I went into the shops and got a few birthday treats for A - I feel quite disorganised for her special 13th birthday.
Has all come around so quickly - thankfully she is such a gracious girl she understands that I cant do things as usual.
Still a bit sad that this significant birthday is clouded by cancer!!
Anyway I am back at the farm - we are having the grass cut outside and granny and grandpa are pottering in the kitchen test driving the new fast/slow cooker!!
So we will have a heartwarming meal whilst looking out over our neatly mown lawn.
Its amazing how good for the soul it is to see freshly cut grass - at least one area of our life is partly under control !!
I am also amazed how the unexpected encouragement comes when I need it - today in the post I had 2 treats from girlfriends .
My very special friend from the UK sent me a most beautiful card which got the tears going for sure and another special friend in SA had sent me the most lovely books.
My heart is being tended!
So I think I need to clear my tearducts with a heartwarming movie and then take a deep breath and go again.
A is going tenpin bowling with a few friends tomorrow so I have to get my groove on for that!
I really want her to have a fun time!
Well there are wonderful smells wafting in from the kitchen - I hope it tastes as good as it smells!!
My mum sent me this yesterday
Remember our feelings come and go - but Gods love for us does not!
Just what I needed to be reminded of today ........
I have a had a lovely week with comings and goings , yummy food and friendly words and yet suddenly I am all teary and feeling overwhelmed today!!
I couldn't sleep much last night and the weird thing is is that I am not even thinking negative things - just feeling a bit weary.
Actually having said that - I have been thinking about chemo - I feel like each day now we are a step closer.
I am really dreading the start of that!
I was chatting to a friend yesterday and said now that I am on the other side of the op - I think I am fearing losing my hair more than I was about my boob!
I have tried on scarfs etc and the result is not very uplifting - I do try to see the funny side but today it doesn't seem so funny.
I am thinking I need to start a rigourous facial regime so at least I might have nice skin!!
That said I broke new ground today - I got in the car and drove to school!! The girls were very excited!
It all went well - just felt a bit uncomfortable but not that it affected the driving except for parallel parking - was awkward to twist my neck and manoevre the wheel!!
What happened to my multitasking technique!!
I saw a friend at the kiss and go and she suggested a cuppa - so we shared our tales over a cappuccino !!
Always great therapy!!
I went into the shops and got a few birthday treats for A - I feel quite disorganised for her special 13th birthday.
Has all come around so quickly - thankfully she is such a gracious girl she understands that I cant do things as usual.
Still a bit sad that this significant birthday is clouded by cancer!!
Anyway I am back at the farm - we are having the grass cut outside and granny and grandpa are pottering in the kitchen test driving the new fast/slow cooker!!
So we will have a heartwarming meal whilst looking out over our neatly mown lawn.
Its amazing how good for the soul it is to see freshly cut grass - at least one area of our life is partly under control !!
I am also amazed how the unexpected encouragement comes when I need it - today in the post I had 2 treats from girlfriends .
My very special friend from the UK sent me a most beautiful card which got the tears going for sure and another special friend in SA had sent me the most lovely books.
My heart is being tended!
So I think I need to clear my tearducts with a heartwarming movie and then take a deep breath and go again.
A is going tenpin bowling with a few friends tomorrow so I have to get my groove on for that!
I really want her to have a fun time!
Well there are wonderful smells wafting in from the kitchen - I hope it tastes as good as it smells!!
My mum sent me this yesterday
Remember our feelings come and go - but Gods love for us does not!
Just what I needed to be reminded of today ........
Wednesday 18 May 2011
A date with the big screen !!!
I am absolutely shattered!!
The country bumpkin has braved the big city!!
Lets start at the very beginning!!
A friend had suggested she take me to movies today - Water for Elephants. What a treat!
Granny and grandpa came down with us for a dander around the shops while we went to the movies!
This was to be the furthest away from home I had been in over a month.
It was really funny I was so aware of all the sparkly lights, the buzz of the shoppers and all the new ranges in the store windows.
It was as if the country mouse had left her burrow and was seeing the city lights for the first time.
It wasn't even a particularily busy day at the shops but I didn't know where to look. I hadn't had so much going on around me since my night in hospital!!
We parted ways with my inlaws and headed to the movies. I had to complete the experience with popcorn and a fizzy of course. The seats in our screening were surprisingly full - with a range of viewers!
We nestled in and the hours passed as we lost ourselves in days gone by, circus acts, romance , sadness and joy!!
I did have to wriggle and squiggle in my seat a bit as 2 hours was quite long to sit with a dodgy back - but it certainly didn't take away from the joy of being swept up in the escapism of a movie screening.
It may however not have been so for those sitting next to me oops!!
I had my tissues handy and yes I did need them when the credits rolled so did my tears - I just love going to the movies!!
So out we went - the sun had been shining when we went in earlier but now the grey clouds has covered the sky and it looked decidedly wintery!
We met up with Granny and Grandpa for a quick bite to eat before heading home again.
They had been very naughty and we arrived home they presented me with a wonderful gift! A fast slow cooker!! A combination slow cooker and pressure cooker in one - hence the name - very irish I thought !
So we will be experimenting with that no doubt!!
The girls came home soon after and my friend who brought them stayed for a cuppa and then another friend came with an amazing array of containers with homemade soup. olive bread and pudding!
We are so spoilt!
I am already sitting in my bed typing this (its only 7.30pm) on my new toy as I am now feeling absolutely exhausted.
It was a real treat to go to the movies today and was certainly worth the tiredness I feel tonight - I am just hoping that as the days pass I will have a bit more vooma as it is tiring being tired!!!
Roll on the energy !
Until the next time .....zzzzzzzzzz
The country bumpkin has braved the big city!!
Lets start at the very beginning!!
A friend had suggested she take me to movies today - Water for Elephants. What a treat!
Granny and grandpa came down with us for a dander around the shops while we went to the movies!
This was to be the furthest away from home I had been in over a month.
It was really funny I was so aware of all the sparkly lights, the buzz of the shoppers and all the new ranges in the store windows.
It was as if the country mouse had left her burrow and was seeing the city lights for the first time.
It wasn't even a particularily busy day at the shops but I didn't know where to look. I hadn't had so much going on around me since my night in hospital!!
We parted ways with my inlaws and headed to the movies. I had to complete the experience with popcorn and a fizzy of course. The seats in our screening were surprisingly full - with a range of viewers!
We nestled in and the hours passed as we lost ourselves in days gone by, circus acts, romance , sadness and joy!!
I did have to wriggle and squiggle in my seat a bit as 2 hours was quite long to sit with a dodgy back - but it certainly didn't take away from the joy of being swept up in the escapism of a movie screening.
It may however not have been so for those sitting next to me oops!!
I had my tissues handy and yes I did need them when the credits rolled so did my tears - I just love going to the movies!!
So out we went - the sun had been shining when we went in earlier but now the grey clouds has covered the sky and it looked decidedly wintery!
We met up with Granny and Grandpa for a quick bite to eat before heading home again.
They had been very naughty and we arrived home they presented me with a wonderful gift! A fast slow cooker!! A combination slow cooker and pressure cooker in one - hence the name - very irish I thought !
So we will be experimenting with that no doubt!!
The girls came home soon after and my friend who brought them stayed for a cuppa and then another friend came with an amazing array of containers with homemade soup. olive bread and pudding!
We are so spoilt!
I am already sitting in my bed typing this (its only 7.30pm) on my new toy as I am now feeling absolutely exhausted.
It was a real treat to go to the movies today and was certainly worth the tiredness I feel tonight - I am just hoping that as the days pass I will have a bit more vooma as it is tiring being tired!!!
Roll on the energy !
Until the next time .....zzzzzzzzzz
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Medicals smedicals ........
Okay so today was another day full with medical encounters!!!
The day started wonderfully with the lady who is helping me with cleaning arriving and transforming our living space before our eyes!!
A true gift - just love having a clean home!!
Today was the day for my return trip to the surgeon and then our family expedition to the Drs for our visa medicals.
Another friend arrived to transport me to the hospital outpatients department - it has become quite the custom to be taxi ed here and there - I may never drive again .....
We had the fastest bite to eat ever at a cafe just opposite the hospital and then I headed across to my appointment.
You would think that by now I would know the routine considering the number of times I had been there. It seems a left my brain at the cafe as I approached the desk before taking my numbered ticket!
Oh my the lady behind the desk was not amused - did I not read the sign. Hmm I had the feeling I had been down this road before.
I apologised politely and took my ticket and sat to wait for my number to be called!!
In no time I was whisked away to see the Dr.
I was really pleased when the lovely lady Dr I had seen before the op came in. She checked the seroma - slight swelling but not enough to necessitate draining - yeh at last no more needles.
In the middle of our chat my surgeon joined us and we had a good time going over some bits and pieces with lots of laughter in between.
She checked my spine again - still tender at T4 but no long term concerns - just come back if any increase in pain and they wanted to check on me again in a month!!
I was encouraged to continue with the exercises and massage and try to just embrace life as much as possible and in as normal a way as possible ( there was that word again)
So I left happy and braced myself for the medical.
B had already collected the girls from school and then picked me up from the hospital and we were off!!
We were armed with a wad of forms that we had to print out and fill in prior to arriving - we presented these when we got to the reception desk. B knew he had to have an xray and bloods done ! He thought that this was done after seeing the Dr but a rather brisk receptionist told us in no uncertain terms that she would of course have told B that he needed to do this prior to coming.
Infact she could see on the computer that she made the booking and clearly she doesn't make mistakes ever!
So we had been told off in the first few minutes - not the best start!
I am pleased to say that another lady took over and was much more friendly and helpful.
There was however some query as to whether A now required an xray so they then had to call immigration to confirm etc etc.
In the meantime we were whisked away by a nurse who presented us all with a sample pot to wee into.
The girls were horrified at the thought - so I took C into get her sorted and soon the 4 of us walked into the nurse station each bearing a gift - not quite frankincence and myrrh.....
We resumed our seats and waited to be summoned once more.
After a while our family bustled into the Drs room to await our fate!!
C went first and just as well as we all saw what was to follow!!
Eyes tested, ears tested,a look in the throat ,blood pressure , lifting of the legs, prodding of the tummy, bending and stretching to name but a few.
C was in a fit of giggles for most of it - she thought the whole proceeding was hilarious!!
A was not so thrilled as for the greater part most of this was done in our underwear. I had not anticipated this and was sitting trying to remember what underwear I actually had on!!
Do you remember being told if you are going out to make sure your underwear is decent just incase you are in an accident and end up in hospital!!!
Soon it was B's turn and we all laughed as dad did his athletic manoevures in his underpants!!
I of course had no place to laugh as when it was my turn I was wondering if I would even be able to bend at all.
I am proud to say I did all the leg and arm lifting and twisting required!! My arm lifting was slow but I DID IT !!!!!
The Dr asked the girls to go into the waiting room when he was chatting to me - he said he wasn't sure how much the girls knew about the breast cancer.
We said they knew everything - in any case we had a chat - he documented details and we are hoping for the best.
In theory I actually don't have breast cancer now as they have cut it out and my nodes are clear!
Lets hope that is good enough!!!
A was quite put out that the girls had to leave the room and asked me what that was all about!!
When I told her she cracked me up when she said. " Oh come on mum how ridiculous - you are missing a boob , what are we supposed to think , it fell off in the night while you were sleeping - or a shark bit it off while you were swimming!!!!"
Never a dull moment .
We had to nip over to the local mall to get some photos taken for the paperwork - well you should have seen them - the girls and I were told not to smile and the result was 3 very sombre depressed looking mug shots. We are hoping that when they look at them they will take pity and not think oh dear we dont want to keep that sad lot!
So the medical smedicals are behind us and our future is out of our hands.
My darling husband has just made a passing comment of ' I wonder what New Zealand is like!!" Heaven help us - surely we need it ........
The day started wonderfully with the lady who is helping me with cleaning arriving and transforming our living space before our eyes!!
A true gift - just love having a clean home!!
Today was the day for my return trip to the surgeon and then our family expedition to the Drs for our visa medicals.
Another friend arrived to transport me to the hospital outpatients department - it has become quite the custom to be taxi ed here and there - I may never drive again .....
We had the fastest bite to eat ever at a cafe just opposite the hospital and then I headed across to my appointment.
You would think that by now I would know the routine considering the number of times I had been there. It seems a left my brain at the cafe as I approached the desk before taking my numbered ticket!
Oh my the lady behind the desk was not amused - did I not read the sign. Hmm I had the feeling I had been down this road before.
I apologised politely and took my ticket and sat to wait for my number to be called!!
In no time I was whisked away to see the Dr.
I was really pleased when the lovely lady Dr I had seen before the op came in. She checked the seroma - slight swelling but not enough to necessitate draining - yeh at last no more needles.
In the middle of our chat my surgeon joined us and we had a good time going over some bits and pieces with lots of laughter in between.
She checked my spine again - still tender at T4 but no long term concerns - just come back if any increase in pain and they wanted to check on me again in a month!!
I was encouraged to continue with the exercises and massage and try to just embrace life as much as possible and in as normal a way as possible ( there was that word again)
So I left happy and braced myself for the medical.
B had already collected the girls from school and then picked me up from the hospital and we were off!!
We were armed with a wad of forms that we had to print out and fill in prior to arriving - we presented these when we got to the reception desk. B knew he had to have an xray and bloods done ! He thought that this was done after seeing the Dr but a rather brisk receptionist told us in no uncertain terms that she would of course have told B that he needed to do this prior to coming.
Infact she could see on the computer that she made the booking and clearly she doesn't make mistakes ever!
So we had been told off in the first few minutes - not the best start!
I am pleased to say that another lady took over and was much more friendly and helpful.
There was however some query as to whether A now required an xray so they then had to call immigration to confirm etc etc.
In the meantime we were whisked away by a nurse who presented us all with a sample pot to wee into.
The girls were horrified at the thought - so I took C into get her sorted and soon the 4 of us walked into the nurse station each bearing a gift - not quite frankincence and myrrh.....
We resumed our seats and waited to be summoned once more.
After a while our family bustled into the Drs room to await our fate!!
C went first and just as well as we all saw what was to follow!!
Eyes tested, ears tested,a look in the throat ,blood pressure , lifting of the legs, prodding of the tummy, bending and stretching to name but a few.
C was in a fit of giggles for most of it - she thought the whole proceeding was hilarious!!
A was not so thrilled as for the greater part most of this was done in our underwear. I had not anticipated this and was sitting trying to remember what underwear I actually had on!!
Do you remember being told if you are going out to make sure your underwear is decent just incase you are in an accident and end up in hospital!!!
Soon it was B's turn and we all laughed as dad did his athletic manoevures in his underpants!!
I of course had no place to laugh as when it was my turn I was wondering if I would even be able to bend at all.
I am proud to say I did all the leg and arm lifting and twisting required!! My arm lifting was slow but I DID IT !!!!!
The Dr asked the girls to go into the waiting room when he was chatting to me - he said he wasn't sure how much the girls knew about the breast cancer.
We said they knew everything - in any case we had a chat - he documented details and we are hoping for the best.
In theory I actually don't have breast cancer now as they have cut it out and my nodes are clear!
Lets hope that is good enough!!!
A was quite put out that the girls had to leave the room and asked me what that was all about!!
When I told her she cracked me up when she said. " Oh come on mum how ridiculous - you are missing a boob , what are we supposed to think , it fell off in the night while you were sleeping - or a shark bit it off while you were swimming!!!!"
Never a dull moment .
We had to nip over to the local mall to get some photos taken for the paperwork - well you should have seen them - the girls and I were told not to smile and the result was 3 very sombre depressed looking mug shots. We are hoping that when they look at them they will take pity and not think oh dear we dont want to keep that sad lot!
So the medical smedicals are behind us and our future is out of our hands.
My darling husband has just made a passing comment of ' I wonder what New Zealand is like!!" Heaven help us - surely we need it ........
Sports Day ... I made it !!
Okay well sadly the back pain lurked around and on Sunday morning we went to the GP as I didn't know what to do with myself.
As it was Sunday it was just an emergency clinic so I sat waiting for over an hour - eventually I went in and saw a lovely Dr - I had tenderness over T4 with radiating pain.
So off for an xray on Monday and a script for some painkillers!!
I was feeling quite disheartened on the way home - frustrated at another drama - but my tears had dried by the time we reached the gate.
I just love coming home to the farm.
'Just keep swimming , just keep swimming ........' (Nemo)
I of course googled T4 tenderness etc and turns out this is quite a known occurence linked to poor posture/weak back etc and I guess I didnt realise how the awkward sleeping position and immobility had taken its toll!!
So many joys!!
I spent most of the day on my back downing my pills!! I was hoping to get right for sports day on Monday.
Well all the rest and painkillers paid off as I felt able to brave the sports field - as a spectator of course - my wonderful friend picked us ( me, granny and grandpa) up and took us to school.
She had sandwiches , bikkies and a flask of tea all organised for us and we plonked ourselves next to the running track to cheer C on.
It was a beautiful day and it was great to feel the sun on our faces!! C ran her best and came 1st and 3rd in the races so was very happy with herself!
I saw a few familiar faces and was nice to catch up !
It was a funny feeling to be out and about on the one hand but felt good to be a bit more normal.
( My friend reminded me that normal really isn't something I am in any case!! heehee )
I still had to go for my xray so granny and grandpa were dropped back at the farm and my taxi driver took me to xray!
Honestly I still can't believe the number of medical appointments I am going to - I hardly ever went to the Dr and the frequency of these have certainly increased these last few months!
Well headed home later and then back to Dr for review - turns out he is the one we have to go for the visa medicals too - what are the chances!!
After my day I was pooped!!
The rollarcoaster continues!!
As it was Sunday it was just an emergency clinic so I sat waiting for over an hour - eventually I went in and saw a lovely Dr - I had tenderness over T4 with radiating pain.
So off for an xray on Monday and a script for some painkillers!!
I was feeling quite disheartened on the way home - frustrated at another drama - but my tears had dried by the time we reached the gate.
I just love coming home to the farm.
'Just keep swimming , just keep swimming ........' (Nemo)
I of course googled T4 tenderness etc and turns out this is quite a known occurence linked to poor posture/weak back etc and I guess I didnt realise how the awkward sleeping position and immobility had taken its toll!!
So many joys!!
I spent most of the day on my back downing my pills!! I was hoping to get right for sports day on Monday.
Well all the rest and painkillers paid off as I felt able to brave the sports field - as a spectator of course - my wonderful friend picked us ( me, granny and grandpa) up and took us to school.
She had sandwiches , bikkies and a flask of tea all organised for us and we plonked ourselves next to the running track to cheer C on.
It was a beautiful day and it was great to feel the sun on our faces!! C ran her best and came 1st and 3rd in the races so was very happy with herself!
I saw a few familiar faces and was nice to catch up !
It was a funny feeling to be out and about on the one hand but felt good to be a bit more normal.
( My friend reminded me that normal really isn't something I am in any case!! heehee )
I still had to go for my xray so granny and grandpa were dropped back at the farm and my taxi driver took me to xray!
Honestly I still can't believe the number of medical appointments I am going to - I hardly ever went to the Dr and the frequency of these have certainly increased these last few months!
Well headed home later and then back to Dr for review - turns out he is the one we have to go for the visa medicals too - what are the chances!!
After my day I was pooped!!
The rollarcoaster continues!!
Saturday 14 May 2011
What a difference a day makes !!!!!
Okay so I was hoping to post all sorts of positive happenings today - clearly I should have written yesterday!!
Will start with the good bits first.
I went to the Physio again yesterday and am pleased to report that my exercises have resulted in a 20cm increase in movement.
Wow wee I was so proud of myself!! Amazing how exciting such a small thing can be these days.
I just felt so encouraged that I was infact moving forward and that pushing through the pain had shown some fruit.
So I came away feeling very positive - onward and upward.
A friend had taken me and we had a bit of time before the appointment so we went for a cuppa .
Whilst sitting in the cafe I was talking about the head dress options so we decided we would have a look in the shop just near the cafe to see if they had any hats!
They had a few - so we tucked my hair away and tried a few on!
Went from looking like Andy Capp to Im not sure what. We were in fits of giggles trying very hard to see the positive in this escapade.
I did buy a knitted sort of cap - but on trying it on at home I have handed it on to my daughter - it looks far more suited to her with her lovely long locks!!
So the search continues - a few years back I was in Sydney for a conference and a market nearby had stalls with numerous wigs - I must have tried on about 6 then for fun - but I have to say they all looked awful so not feeling very hopeful in that regard!!
Anyway we had a good laugh.
After returning home I had to go and have a rest - it is pretty sad that a few hours away from home is so exhausting!
So now onto the drama - I had hopped into bed pretty early last night and was woken with an extremely loud crash and bang.
I went into the dining room to find poor Grandpa flat on his back on the floor. B and Granny had arrived on the scene and we were checking if he was okay.
Thankfully he did not suffer any serious damage - a sore knee and chest which had hit the fire on the way down. He had been wearing socks whilst walking on the wooden floors so I don't think that helped matters!
It gave us all quite a shock - especially poor grandpa!
A cup of tea with a tot of brandy did the trick and we all went to bed for the night!
So I woke up this morning, the sun is shining and I was feeling more comfortable with my arm and was even contemplating trying to drive today for the first time since before the op!
Hmm - well I was just standing in the kitchen looking out the window when I thought I would try to stretch a bit as my body was feeling pretty tight - I guess from sleeping awkwardly each night.
Bad idea - I had just lifted my left arm up when pop I felt something go in my spine.
The pain that followed was excruciating!!
Returned to the bedroom and tried to lie down - I could barely move.
I burst into tears partly from the pain and also from the frustration of now having to deal with another struggle when I had been feeling this morning that I was moving forward.
What a nightmare - anyway I have taken a cocktail of painkillers and am hoping that it will resolve itself.
Or it will be another trip to the drs!!
So now I am sitting with pain in the left side and all my excitement on the right!!!
I have never had anything like this happen before so no idea why I should have it happen now!
Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
Anyway it has eased a bit now so I am hopeful.
The family has just gone out on a bit of an expedition so I am glad they will have a bit of fun in the sun hopefully.
Poor A was very unsure whether to leave me alone - but I encouraged her to go as I really want her to have a good time out with everyone and not always be worrying about me.
I shall enjoy the peace and tranquility of the farm and pray that all will come right!
A friend had posted me some divine socks which arrived yesterday - the are the softest socks I have ever felt - so I have put them on - so comforting!!
(and no I wont be walking on the wooden floors wearing just my socks!!)
So heres to another fresh start tomorrow ......
Will start with the good bits first.
I went to the Physio again yesterday and am pleased to report that my exercises have resulted in a 20cm increase in movement.
Wow wee I was so proud of myself!! Amazing how exciting such a small thing can be these days.
I just felt so encouraged that I was infact moving forward and that pushing through the pain had shown some fruit.
So I came away feeling very positive - onward and upward.
A friend had taken me and we had a bit of time before the appointment so we went for a cuppa .
Whilst sitting in the cafe I was talking about the head dress options so we decided we would have a look in the shop just near the cafe to see if they had any hats!
They had a few - so we tucked my hair away and tried a few on!
Went from looking like Andy Capp to Im not sure what. We were in fits of giggles trying very hard to see the positive in this escapade.
I did buy a knitted sort of cap - but on trying it on at home I have handed it on to my daughter - it looks far more suited to her with her lovely long locks!!
So the search continues - a few years back I was in Sydney for a conference and a market nearby had stalls with numerous wigs - I must have tried on about 6 then for fun - but I have to say they all looked awful so not feeling very hopeful in that regard!!
Anyway we had a good laugh.
After returning home I had to go and have a rest - it is pretty sad that a few hours away from home is so exhausting!
So now onto the drama - I had hopped into bed pretty early last night and was woken with an extremely loud crash and bang.
I went into the dining room to find poor Grandpa flat on his back on the floor. B and Granny had arrived on the scene and we were checking if he was okay.
Thankfully he did not suffer any serious damage - a sore knee and chest which had hit the fire on the way down. He had been wearing socks whilst walking on the wooden floors so I don't think that helped matters!
It gave us all quite a shock - especially poor grandpa!
A cup of tea with a tot of brandy did the trick and we all went to bed for the night!
So I woke up this morning, the sun is shining and I was feeling more comfortable with my arm and was even contemplating trying to drive today for the first time since before the op!
Hmm - well I was just standing in the kitchen looking out the window when I thought I would try to stretch a bit as my body was feeling pretty tight - I guess from sleeping awkwardly each night.
Bad idea - I had just lifted my left arm up when pop I felt something go in my spine.
The pain that followed was excruciating!!
Returned to the bedroom and tried to lie down - I could barely move.
I burst into tears partly from the pain and also from the frustration of now having to deal with another struggle when I had been feeling this morning that I was moving forward.
What a nightmare - anyway I have taken a cocktail of painkillers and am hoping that it will resolve itself.
Or it will be another trip to the drs!!
So now I am sitting with pain in the left side and all my excitement on the right!!!
I have never had anything like this happen before so no idea why I should have it happen now!
Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
Anyway it has eased a bit now so I am hopeful.
The family has just gone out on a bit of an expedition so I am glad they will have a bit of fun in the sun hopefully.
Poor A was very unsure whether to leave me alone - but I encouraged her to go as I really want her to have a good time out with everyone and not always be worrying about me.
I shall enjoy the peace and tranquility of the farm and pray that all will come right!
A friend had posted me some divine socks which arrived yesterday - the are the softest socks I have ever felt - so I have put them on - so comforting!!
(and no I wont be walking on the wooden floors wearing just my socks!!)
So heres to another fresh start tomorrow ......
Thursday 12 May 2011
Time to leave the nest .....
It was absolutely freezing here last night - so i am sitting wrapped up in bed like an eskimo using my new toy!
The joys of modern technology.
It has been very useful! I have been researching all manner of headscarfs, wigs etc for the forthcoming chapter.
I am afraid to say that most aren't terribly appealing. I had to laugh while watching greys anatomy I saw one of the surgeons was wearing a funky theatre cap - so I even googled those - quite a selection I have to say!
I have been intrigued to see all the wigs available and have discovered that you can even buy a fringe to wear under a hat - for a more naturelle look! The girls and I were thinking that you would look pretty funny if your hat came off and your fringe was left stuck to your bald head!!! Not a great look!
I have also found out that breast cancer is the only cancer where when you are having treatment you put weight ON !!! How unfair is that!
I am sooo looking forward to being round and bald and now that my oestrogen levels are in my boots I will be redfaced with hot flushes and flaking with dry skin. Yippee I can't wait !!!!
I guess I will save money on shampoo though !!
So it was off to the radiotherapy oncologist yesterday.We had to go to a private place as for public I would have to drive over an hour and a half every day 5 days a week for 5 weeks . It was just opposite our local hospital so easy to get to!
I sat in the waiting room - the walls were covered with info and posters related to various types of cancer etc . Pamphlets on all the various side effects! There were a few others in the waiting room - all probably 20 years older than me and we smiled at each other with that knowing look as to why we were all sitting there!!
The Oncologist was a lovely jolly man and very easy to talk to.
It seems that radiotherapy is definitely on the cards after all. He was very honest when discussing side effects - not very pretty Im afraid. Permanent damage to skin where radiation hits, peeling and burning, possible lung infection and lymhoedema!! As my friend said cancer is the gift that keeps on giving!! Pity the presents weren't more joyous!
Nevertheless the good news is that amazingly although my pathology indicates an aggressive cancer , the oncologist said that it is not acting as one with my lymph nodes being clear etc.
He said I had the high percentage recovery band and that I would be around to see my daughters get married!
It was hard holding back the tears when he said that!
The radiotherapy would only start after the chemo so will wait until 31 May to know whats what.
In the meantime I am pushing the physio exercises !! Eek!
My last couple of weeks have been journeys from home to appointments and back and forth. A friend was encouraging me yesterday to get out a bit and we were just chatting about how I felt about it. I hadn't really thought about it as I have been so preoccuppied with sorting out the pain etc I realised that actually it is easier just to stay in the comfort of my own surroundings than to get out and live life again.
It is the girls sports day on Monday and I am going to go - but on thinking about it I do feel a bit nervous about going public - not sure how I will be.
Funny I wasn't aware that it would be an issue and I am writing it here almost to be accountable to go - so I cant chicken out!!
Not sure why I feel a bit confronted by that - maybe its just the reality of where I'm at!
Well I better get out of my cosy nest and get some breakfast and get ready for the day!!
Need to prepare my wings for flight .......
The joys of modern technology.
It has been very useful! I have been researching all manner of headscarfs, wigs etc for the forthcoming chapter.
I am afraid to say that most aren't terribly appealing. I had to laugh while watching greys anatomy I saw one of the surgeons was wearing a funky theatre cap - so I even googled those - quite a selection I have to say!
I have been intrigued to see all the wigs available and have discovered that you can even buy a fringe to wear under a hat - for a more naturelle look! The girls and I were thinking that you would look pretty funny if your hat came off and your fringe was left stuck to your bald head!!! Not a great look!
I have also found out that breast cancer is the only cancer where when you are having treatment you put weight ON !!! How unfair is that!
I am sooo looking forward to being round and bald and now that my oestrogen levels are in my boots I will be redfaced with hot flushes and flaking with dry skin. Yippee I can't wait !!!!
I guess I will save money on shampoo though !!
So it was off to the radiotherapy oncologist yesterday.We had to go to a private place as for public I would have to drive over an hour and a half every day 5 days a week for 5 weeks . It was just opposite our local hospital so easy to get to!
I sat in the waiting room - the walls were covered with info and posters related to various types of cancer etc . Pamphlets on all the various side effects! There were a few others in the waiting room - all probably 20 years older than me and we smiled at each other with that knowing look as to why we were all sitting there!!
The Oncologist was a lovely jolly man and very easy to talk to.
It seems that radiotherapy is definitely on the cards after all. He was very honest when discussing side effects - not very pretty Im afraid. Permanent damage to skin where radiation hits, peeling and burning, possible lung infection and lymhoedema!! As my friend said cancer is the gift that keeps on giving!! Pity the presents weren't more joyous!
Nevertheless the good news is that amazingly although my pathology indicates an aggressive cancer , the oncologist said that it is not acting as one with my lymph nodes being clear etc.
He said I had the high percentage recovery band and that I would be around to see my daughters get married!
It was hard holding back the tears when he said that!
The radiotherapy would only start after the chemo so will wait until 31 May to know whats what.
In the meantime I am pushing the physio exercises !! Eek!
My last couple of weeks have been journeys from home to appointments and back and forth. A friend was encouraging me yesterday to get out a bit and we were just chatting about how I felt about it. I hadn't really thought about it as I have been so preoccuppied with sorting out the pain etc I realised that actually it is easier just to stay in the comfort of my own surroundings than to get out and live life again.
It is the girls sports day on Monday and I am going to go - but on thinking about it I do feel a bit nervous about going public - not sure how I will be.
Funny I wasn't aware that it would be an issue and I am writing it here almost to be accountable to go - so I cant chicken out!!
Not sure why I feel a bit confronted by that - maybe its just the reality of where I'm at!
Well I better get out of my cosy nest and get some breakfast and get ready for the day!!
Need to prepare my wings for flight .......
Tuesday 10 May 2011
Happy Mothers Day ......
Well we have had a rather dull, cold and wet weekend weather wise but Sunday was Mothers day and the sun shone in this house for sure.
Granny and Grandpa had landed safely the night before and so we all woke up to Mothers day together.
The girls and B came in singing together with cards and pressies - I was so spoilt - I have been saving for quite some time to get a laptop and was just over half way to the one I wanted - but it arrived for me on Mothers Day.
How excited was I - now I have my very own computer - yababdabadoo.
I can set all my favourites , google when I want to, facebook , email , catchup TV at my finger tips!
B was a bit concerned later in the day that I may never leave my bedroom again!!
(I did of course - for a drink and the bathroom - haha )
More importantly the girls had put together a lovely little book with sayings and photos of times spent together - the words in their cards made me cry! Too special - I so love my girlies!!! xx
Next we headed to Granny and Grandpas room where Granny was surprised with a bag of goodies and special handmade cards etc from the girls.
Poor grandpa did get some choccies and tea so he didnt feel left out.
Sadly the weather was a bit grim and chilly but we all just relaxed together and kept cosy indoors.
The girls were back to school as usual yesterday although hoping they may get a few days off to spend with their grandparents!
Today was back to the surgeon for the draining again.
I am pleased to report that the swelling is much smaller this week and so we are hopeful that next week may be the last! Yeha
The outpatient booking lady now recognises me and said - oh you are one of our regulars!!
I did mention the frequent fliers card but sadly it didn't even raise a smile!!
I did actually see the surgeon today - wow - he is a bit concerned that I have limited movement in my arm and has told me to push the exercises and he wants to see an improvement by next week.
No pain no gain he said - yes I thought easy to say when you don't have the pain.
Nevertheless I am committed to getting this arm moving and will push through - watch this space !!
He did say however that it is not definite that I will have herceptin will find out more from medical oncologists at the end of the month. So that would be great.
Also radiotherapy may not be a definite either - am saying radio oncologist tomorrow so will know more then !
So all in all not a bad visit.
The girls are enjoying having Granny and Grandpa around - it takes a while to recover from the long haul flight so they are just taking it easy!
Once again I have to say I am so thankful for the meals that have been coming - it is such a blessing and help - amazing what a relief it is to not have to even think about that!
So the journey continues - just feel like I am living a bit from appt to appt at the moment.
I am certainly eating well in between though hehe x
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly!
Thank you to those who are keeping the wind under my wings ......
Granny and Grandpa had landed safely the night before and so we all woke up to Mothers day together.
The girls and B came in singing together with cards and pressies - I was so spoilt - I have been saving for quite some time to get a laptop and was just over half way to the one I wanted - but it arrived for me on Mothers Day.
How excited was I - now I have my very own computer - yababdabadoo.
I can set all my favourites , google when I want to, facebook , email , catchup TV at my finger tips!
B was a bit concerned later in the day that I may never leave my bedroom again!!
(I did of course - for a drink and the bathroom - haha )
More importantly the girls had put together a lovely little book with sayings and photos of times spent together - the words in their cards made me cry! Too special - I so love my girlies!!! xx
Next we headed to Granny and Grandpas room where Granny was surprised with a bag of goodies and special handmade cards etc from the girls.
Poor grandpa did get some choccies and tea so he didnt feel left out.
Sadly the weather was a bit grim and chilly but we all just relaxed together and kept cosy indoors.
The girls were back to school as usual yesterday although hoping they may get a few days off to spend with their grandparents!
Today was back to the surgeon for the draining again.
I am pleased to report that the swelling is much smaller this week and so we are hopeful that next week may be the last! Yeha
The outpatient booking lady now recognises me and said - oh you are one of our regulars!!
I did mention the frequent fliers card but sadly it didn't even raise a smile!!
I did actually see the surgeon today - wow - he is a bit concerned that I have limited movement in my arm and has told me to push the exercises and he wants to see an improvement by next week.
No pain no gain he said - yes I thought easy to say when you don't have the pain.
Nevertheless I am committed to getting this arm moving and will push through - watch this space !!
He did say however that it is not definite that I will have herceptin will find out more from medical oncologists at the end of the month. So that would be great.
Also radiotherapy may not be a definite either - am saying radio oncologist tomorrow so will know more then !
So all in all not a bad visit.
The girls are enjoying having Granny and Grandpa around - it takes a while to recover from the long haul flight so they are just taking it easy!
Once again I have to say I am so thankful for the meals that have been coming - it is such a blessing and help - amazing what a relief it is to not have to even think about that!
So the journey continues - just feel like I am living a bit from appt to appt at the moment.
I am certainly eating well in between though hehe x
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly!
Thank you to those who are keeping the wind under my wings ......
Friday 6 May 2011
Results !!
Well Tuesday arrived and we went to hear the results!!
Once again we sat in the outpatients - really think there should be some sort of frequent flier card - 10 stamps and you get a reduction in your parking fee at least!
The same registrar called us in - my surgeon was apparently away on a conference in another state.
So he sat us down - my seroma was the size of a small orange again and I was desperate to have it removed- but he went straight into the report.
They identified the lumps as 2 seperate tumors - one was 18mm and the other 25mm. Bizarrely each tumor showed different features both were responsive to oestrogen and one was responsive to progesterone and her2.
The best bit of news was that there was no sign of anything in the lymphnodes - they had removed 10!!!!
This would explain all my discomfort and pain apparently!
So the cancer at the moment appears to have restrained itself to the breast - yeha!!
Its a funny sort of thing getting results on the one hand the news is good and yet on the other it reconfirms that you have cancer and that you need treatment.
As the tumors presented with different components - I am now up for the full cocktail. Possible radiotherapy, chemo, hormonal treatment and herceptin.
Basically the year will be filled with intra-venous delights and other medical treats - it is quite overwhelming when you look at the long term plan - so I am looking at one day at a time!
The surgical registrar couldnt give us details and said we needed to wait for an appointment with radiotherapy oncology and medical oncology.
So we were still waiting for our game plan!!!!!!!
Thankfully he then drained the seroma - 100mls , gave me a script for some stronger painkillers , made another appt for next week and off we went!!
My poor husband had to rush off to work and my lovely friend took me home!!
I am so thankful to have my friend overseas who is a breastcare nurse as she is such a source of knowledge and honesty to me.
It is such a blessing just being able to send an email with results and questions to someone who works in that field everyday!!
So I spent the night googling treatments, drug protocols etc. So much to learn!
B is back to work now so the next day I had 2 visits from friends - lovely to see friendly faces.
Good to have a distraction and a laugh!
My dishes were washed and ironing done before my eyes!
Such a priviledge to have people who care about you - very humbling!
It feels like my life is just moving between one hospital appointment and another - I have 3 next week!!
Physio, surgeon and radiotherapy and I have my appt with the chemo team in 3 weeks!
Letter arrived today!
It seems I will have a while to wait before knowing the game plan after all - was a bit disappointing at first but my eldest daughter turns 13 in about 2 weeks so if I can get this pain more under control then I can concentrate on giving her a happy day before the next chapter!!
Met a lovely physio today - she went through exercises and a plan to prevent my shoulder ceasing!
I have so much to remember I am going to have to set my alarm to remind me what I have to do - so if you see me moving in strange manoevures before you eyes - be not afraid!!!!
I want to be able to return to full motion in my arm - you should see me trying to get dressed - I should audition for the circus!
My friend who took me to the appointment helped me get a few bits and pieces from the local shops before heading home . I was so glad she was with me at the physio as I haven't even started chemo yet and my brain doesn't feel like its firing on all cylinders!
Just as well I can't drive!
I arrived home and another family friend popped in laden with yummy melktert and all! Lunch was made for me and we sat and had a lovely chat. She said I was looking tired and I should go and lie down - to be honest the mornings activities had left me shattered.
So I lay down saying I wouldn't sleep - famous last words - I woke up to the girls knocking on the door , my lovely friend had unpacked the dishwasher , cleaned up the kitchen and left me a note without me even waking!!
I think after this is all over firstly we will have to have a hum dinger of a party with everyone and secondly I am going to have learn how to do all the basics again like cooking and cleaning etc - hmm or maybe not hehe xxx
This weekend we have some excitement on the horizon - Granny and Grandpa are arriving from overseas. The trip had been planned before my diagnosis - so their holiday to the sun has taken a different twist now. Sadly I wont be able to be the hostess with the mostest this time round - will be more a self catering trip with few added extras!
It will be wonderful for B to have his folks at hand and also for the girls to have the extra attention and cuddles.
I have whirled through this week and left gaps I know - a lot has happened with the many appointments ( haven't even mentioned the pest man, cleaner and dog groomer !!) etc but thought I best get blogging before too much has passed and all I will remember are the gaps - eek!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments hat take our breath away....
Heres to those moments - hold them close .....
Once again we sat in the outpatients - really think there should be some sort of frequent flier card - 10 stamps and you get a reduction in your parking fee at least!
The same registrar called us in - my surgeon was apparently away on a conference in another state.
So he sat us down - my seroma was the size of a small orange again and I was desperate to have it removed- but he went straight into the report.
They identified the lumps as 2 seperate tumors - one was 18mm and the other 25mm. Bizarrely each tumor showed different features both were responsive to oestrogen and one was responsive to progesterone and her2.
The best bit of news was that there was no sign of anything in the lymphnodes - they had removed 10!!!!
This would explain all my discomfort and pain apparently!
So the cancer at the moment appears to have restrained itself to the breast - yeha!!
Its a funny sort of thing getting results on the one hand the news is good and yet on the other it reconfirms that you have cancer and that you need treatment.
As the tumors presented with different components - I am now up for the full cocktail. Possible radiotherapy, chemo, hormonal treatment and herceptin.
Basically the year will be filled with intra-venous delights and other medical treats - it is quite overwhelming when you look at the long term plan - so I am looking at one day at a time!
The surgical registrar couldnt give us details and said we needed to wait for an appointment with radiotherapy oncology and medical oncology.
So we were still waiting for our game plan!!!!!!!
Thankfully he then drained the seroma - 100mls , gave me a script for some stronger painkillers , made another appt for next week and off we went!!
My poor husband had to rush off to work and my lovely friend took me home!!
I am so thankful to have my friend overseas who is a breastcare nurse as she is such a source of knowledge and honesty to me.
It is such a blessing just being able to send an email with results and questions to someone who works in that field everyday!!
So I spent the night googling treatments, drug protocols etc. So much to learn!
B is back to work now so the next day I had 2 visits from friends - lovely to see friendly faces.
Good to have a distraction and a laugh!
My dishes were washed and ironing done before my eyes!
Such a priviledge to have people who care about you - very humbling!
It feels like my life is just moving between one hospital appointment and another - I have 3 next week!!
Physio, surgeon and radiotherapy and I have my appt with the chemo team in 3 weeks!
Letter arrived today!
It seems I will have a while to wait before knowing the game plan after all - was a bit disappointing at first but my eldest daughter turns 13 in about 2 weeks so if I can get this pain more under control then I can concentrate on giving her a happy day before the next chapter!!
Met a lovely physio today - she went through exercises and a plan to prevent my shoulder ceasing!
I have so much to remember I am going to have to set my alarm to remind me what I have to do - so if you see me moving in strange manoevures before you eyes - be not afraid!!!!
I want to be able to return to full motion in my arm - you should see me trying to get dressed - I should audition for the circus!
My friend who took me to the appointment helped me get a few bits and pieces from the local shops before heading home . I was so glad she was with me at the physio as I haven't even started chemo yet and my brain doesn't feel like its firing on all cylinders!
Just as well I can't drive!
I arrived home and another family friend popped in laden with yummy melktert and all! Lunch was made for me and we sat and had a lovely chat. She said I was looking tired and I should go and lie down - to be honest the mornings activities had left me shattered.
So I lay down saying I wouldn't sleep - famous last words - I woke up to the girls knocking on the door , my lovely friend had unpacked the dishwasher , cleaned up the kitchen and left me a note without me even waking!!
I think after this is all over firstly we will have to have a hum dinger of a party with everyone and secondly I am going to have learn how to do all the basics again like cooking and cleaning etc - hmm or maybe not hehe xxx
This weekend we have some excitement on the horizon - Granny and Grandpa are arriving from overseas. The trip had been planned before my diagnosis - so their holiday to the sun has taken a different twist now. Sadly I wont be able to be the hostess with the mostest this time round - will be more a self catering trip with few added extras!
It will be wonderful for B to have his folks at hand and also for the girls to have the extra attention and cuddles.
I have whirled through this week and left gaps I know - a lot has happened with the many appointments ( haven't even mentioned the pest man, cleaner and dog groomer !!) etc but thought I best get blogging before too much has passed and all I will remember are the gaps - eek!
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments hat take our breath away....
Heres to those moments - hold them close .....
Sunday 1 May 2011
Always look on the bright side of life .....
It is an almost perfect day here , clear blue skies, bright sunshine and gentle breeze.
Very good for the soul!
Well quite a lot has happened these last couple of days.
Friday was a bit of a tough day - felt pretty teary off and on all day - my girls were running in crosscountry that day .
Usually I am able to attend most of the school sporting events - but due to my continued pain and discomfort I didn't feel I could go.
My youngest daughter was very disappointed by this and said but Mummy who will squirt water at us when we run past .
My heart ached - just not being able to do the usual things has been truely frustrating.
Thankfully all was not lost as Friday was the Royal Wedding!!
Some dear friends who were on Meals on Wheels duty planned to bring dinner etc and make an event of the Wedding. What a blessing.
We had the TV on from about 4 - we had nibbles, champagne followed by an amazing dinner and dessert.
We thoroughly enjoyed watching all the proceedings , the beautiful bride and adoring Prince and public. Not to mention the good company!!
Such a happy event - couldn't help but lift our spirits!!!
Thank you Will and Kate .
Saturday was to prove to be eventful too. B and I had planned to attend the BCNA forum in our local town- we had been invited since I had joined the network. The day was to inform you about services available for breast cancer sufferers and there were speakers including a medical oncologist, breast cancer survivors, BCNA representatives etc as well as tables with associated support services.
I had mixed emotions about attending - I wanted to hear and connect with the support services but also knew by going it would be pretty confronting. Again facing the realities of my illness.
All the ladies we came across were very friendly and supportive and the talks were very informative. One of the ladies I met who was 8 years down the road - gave me her contact details and said to phone anytime with any questions etc. So generous.
Lunch was provided and as B and I sat tucking into our sandwiches one of the pink ladies organising the day approached me and asked me if I would mind speaking to the journo as she called her!!
In my mind I thought it was just someone from the BCNA getting feedback for the news related to the forum. So I said sure I didnt mind.
Anyway as the 'journo' was asking questions I realised this wasn't just for the network brochure but infact she was from the local newspaper.
So anyway I answered her questions and then when she finished she said can we take a photo!!
Well I have never been a fan of photos but thought to myself - how bad could it really be don't be too vain!!!
I was to stand holding the BCNA pink lady.
Haha how wrong was I !!!
I sort of expected a small pick with an equally small article!! Again how wrong was I.
There I was in the local paper almost half a page article with a huge picture of me - I have to say one of the most awful I have EVER seen!!!
I can hear you saying surely it wasn't that bad - believe me a friend who popped up today said the same thing until I showed to her the photo!!!!
I had to dangle over a railing which you can't see in photo and look down 2 stories to the photographer below.
So you can imagine - I look like my face has been inflated with a bicycle pump and this has added a very flattering double chin!!!!
Horrendous!!!!
I think the focus was more on getting the pink lady standing out against the sky that they forgot that a real pink lady was holding it who might be more affected by the photograph than the cardboard cutout!!
Anyway I have decided I can only laugh - at least when people see me in real life they will think I'm looking well in contrast to that photo hehe xx
Just another step in this journey - one that perhaps I could have avoided!
So there we are - only 2 sleeps until I find out my path ahead - really want to know now.
Will keep you posted x
Very good for the soul!
Well quite a lot has happened these last couple of days.
Friday was a bit of a tough day - felt pretty teary off and on all day - my girls were running in crosscountry that day .
Usually I am able to attend most of the school sporting events - but due to my continued pain and discomfort I didn't feel I could go.
My youngest daughter was very disappointed by this and said but Mummy who will squirt water at us when we run past .
My heart ached - just not being able to do the usual things has been truely frustrating.
Thankfully all was not lost as Friday was the Royal Wedding!!
Some dear friends who were on Meals on Wheels duty planned to bring dinner etc and make an event of the Wedding. What a blessing.
We had the TV on from about 4 - we had nibbles, champagne followed by an amazing dinner and dessert.
We thoroughly enjoyed watching all the proceedings , the beautiful bride and adoring Prince and public. Not to mention the good company!!
Such a happy event - couldn't help but lift our spirits!!!
Thank you Will and Kate .
Saturday was to prove to be eventful too. B and I had planned to attend the BCNA forum in our local town- we had been invited since I had joined the network. The day was to inform you about services available for breast cancer sufferers and there were speakers including a medical oncologist, breast cancer survivors, BCNA representatives etc as well as tables with associated support services.
I had mixed emotions about attending - I wanted to hear and connect with the support services but also knew by going it would be pretty confronting. Again facing the realities of my illness.
All the ladies we came across were very friendly and supportive and the talks were very informative. One of the ladies I met who was 8 years down the road - gave me her contact details and said to phone anytime with any questions etc. So generous.
Lunch was provided and as B and I sat tucking into our sandwiches one of the pink ladies organising the day approached me and asked me if I would mind speaking to the journo as she called her!!
In my mind I thought it was just someone from the BCNA getting feedback for the news related to the forum. So I said sure I didnt mind.
Anyway as the 'journo' was asking questions I realised this wasn't just for the network brochure but infact she was from the local newspaper.
So anyway I answered her questions and then when she finished she said can we take a photo!!
Well I have never been a fan of photos but thought to myself - how bad could it really be don't be too vain!!!
I was to stand holding the BCNA pink lady.
Haha how wrong was I !!!
I sort of expected a small pick with an equally small article!! Again how wrong was I.
There I was in the local paper almost half a page article with a huge picture of me - I have to say one of the most awful I have EVER seen!!!
I can hear you saying surely it wasn't that bad - believe me a friend who popped up today said the same thing until I showed to her the photo!!!!
I had to dangle over a railing which you can't see in photo and look down 2 stories to the photographer below.
So you can imagine - I look like my face has been inflated with a bicycle pump and this has added a very flattering double chin!!!!
Horrendous!!!!
I think the focus was more on getting the pink lady standing out against the sky that they forgot that a real pink lady was holding it who might be more affected by the photograph than the cardboard cutout!!
Anyway I have decided I can only laugh - at least when people see me in real life they will think I'm looking well in contrast to that photo hehe xx
Just another step in this journey - one that perhaps I could have avoided!
So there we are - only 2 sleeps until I find out my path ahead - really want to know now.
Will keep you posted x
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