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Wednesday 27 April 2011

Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow .........

Okay so today was the day I had been waiting for - back to surgeon for the results and post -op check!!!

So far this week has required a lot of resting and holding back on activity!!
It is quite frustrating not being able to do the things you are used to!! I am still having a fair amount of pain and discomfort and had been watching a seroma grow under my arm these last few days and was actually looking forward to having a needle stuck in me to drain of the fluid! Amazing what I now look forward to hehe!!

I have joined the BCNA website (breast cancer australia network) where you can connect with other pink ladies!! I have been in communication with a couple of ladies already on the road - it is a great source of information, support and encouragement for the road ahead!!
It is quite incredible to think that in years gone by or indeed in a different setting women would not have been able to connect in this way - what a priviledge to have access to all this info at my finger tips!!

So we arrived at the hospital - I always find it quite emotive going there - when I am home on the farm I can live in my green bubble of tranquility but going to the hospital I am confronted with the reality of my illness and weakness of my body!
We sat again outside the outpatient cubicle waiting for a number to be called - a rather detached nurse called us in to the Drs room where we waited for at least 10 mins - would have been far less anxiety provoking to sit outside with the magazines and tv to distract us rather that sit alone in the quiet of a stark surgical office!!
Anyway the silence was broken when a friendly faced, young dr entered.
My surgeon was not seeing me today but he was here to drain any seroma that may have arisen!!
I had thought about what to wear before arriving today - perhaps it was the Trinny and Susanna marathon I had watched the day before!!
I was feeling quite over the stripping off topless for a string of strangers so worked out if a wore a vest I could slip of the one side and keep some dignity on the other.
I matched this with a button up cardie and scarf that draped over my flat chest - I was pretty pleased with the outcome and even more pleased that I kept some dignity whilst having my wound attended to!!

The Dr took off the dressing which wasn't too bad and then approached me with a rather large needle - thankfully I was still numb under the arm so I didnt feel it going in!
I had to laugh as he brought a rather large plastic jug over to catch the fluid - I wondered how much he intended to take. Images of me shrivelled up like a dried out prune made me giggle.
He told me to look away and off we went - 250mls later my seroma had flattened!!
I was amazed actually how much he did get - I felt so much better without it and could move my arm more easily!!
Unfortunately it seems that next week would require a repeat performance as the fluid would more than likely build up again!!

There were no pathology results to share as the long weekend had slowed that down so we would hear it all next Tuesday along with a treatment plan for the next chapter!
Initially I was a bit dissappointed but probably actually better to get an action plan with the results than do too much googling in between!!

The day concluded with a cuppa with a good friend who picked the girls up and brought them home and then once again meals on friends wheels arrived in style.
We had a yummy dinner and dessert after a relax and catch up with the clever maker and another lovely friend visiting from Sydney!!! Was nice to have some company !
It is such a treat not to worry about cooking - we would be all scrambled eggs and toasted out by now for sure!

This is a funny road - each day brings different feelings , definite ups and downs, somedays the cancer feels so close and others a distant dream.
I think in some ways I thought the recovery from the op wouldn't be as painful and yet it has been but I also realise as much as I don't want to see myself as being unwell - I am.
Although my mind is functioning ( well most of the time anyway - I hear you laughing!!) I have to accept my body is not at its best - and I have to pace myself!!
More relaxing, more reading , more music , more movies, more mess !!!!

I am determined to keep dancing in the rain whenever possible!!

'Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic' Rosalind Russell.

xx

Monday 25 April 2011

A Cloudy day .....

Well today the sunshine has disappeared and we woke up to heavy rain and grey skies!!
Unfortunately this was in line with me today.

We had a lovely day yesterday - I had worried that Easter Sunday we would be alone and the girls would be feeling sad that we weren't with our family overseas as we would have arrived there that day. We had to cancel our holiday !!
Thankfully we were rescued by a special couple that my family had known for over 20 years!!
They arrived at lunchtime with a beautiful roast chicken and trimmings - and before our eyes a table of food was prepared and setup for us to enjoy!
After this ,all was cleared away and it looked as if nothing had even happened - amazing!
What a treat - this was followed by coffee, easter eggs, a singsong with guitar and a fun movie!
The girls had a great time as did we and it really did make the day for us!

I have been up and about these last couple of days and doing a bit here and there but still lots of relaxing yet last night my body hit back!!
The pain and discomfort related to the op has been there but manageable - but last night I felt like I had been through a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson.
My wound was burning, I have developed a seroma under my arm, it just was so sore, uncomfortable and I felt like any movement was too much.
I went to bed teary, frustrated and sore!!

So as I say when I looked out the window and saw the pouring rain and grey skies the sun had gone!!
I have spent all day in bed today - books, portable dvd and sleep is what has occupied me.
I still feel uncomfortable but nothing like last night - I am trying to hold out until Wednesday to see the surgeon to have the seroma drained and I'm sure that will relieve the pressure also!
I think my body was sending me back to bed so there I have stayed!!!

To add to our mood we saw a report in the news today about a Dr and family who have been living and working in Australia since 2005 - they put in their application for residency in 2008 but immigration took a while to get to process it! Whilst the application was in the Drs wife developed breast cancer and now sadly she is terminal.
Immigration has advised the Dr that the only way his application for permanent residency will be approved is if he divorces/legally seperates from his wife.
She would then have to return to the Phillipines and he could remain here with his children!!!
I know there may be more to the story than in the report but it doesn't paint a very encouraging picture - does it????

Well this morning I had a few encouraging messages from friends near and far - I certainly needed them today!!

As I write this the skies are returning to blue, the clouds have moved and the rain has stopped.
The sun she is shining on us once more!
I am on the rollarcoaster and we have rolled down a bit this morning but after a day in bed I feel the rollarcoaster rising again - I want to feel the sun on my face even more ...........
I do wish this thing had a steering wheel !!!!!!

Saturday 23 April 2011

Fun on the farm - hmm!!!!

Well the days are ticking by - B thought I should brave an outing this am so we went to our local coffee shop for brekkie!!

I had my puffball from the breast nurse - the bra unfortunately wasn't the right size so I had to wait for that - but my amazing husband didn't want me to be uncomfortable  if I went out so when he picked the girls from school on Thursday - they went bra shopping - he came home with a perfect substitute to tide me over - what a man!!!!
So out we went - I was balanced at least - amazing you just don't know what is hiding underneath peoples clothing !!!!
We had a lovely brekkie and bumped into a number of people we knew - all doing last minute easter egg buying no doubt!!
It was good to get out but I have to say I was absolutely shattered after and was so glad to get home.
The rest of the day I spent lying around recovering from my expedition!!
Think it might be a few more days until my next one!!

We have been having glorious weather these last few days - so B decided yesterday to take advantage of it and tackle the long grass in the front paddocks with the tractor and the slasher!!
There is something soothing about hearing the rhythm of the tractor mowing amongst the birdsong!!
Yesterday I just lay low resting at home and was listening to the mowing while resting!!
For every wife of a man with a tractor - when the engine sound stops and no husband and tractor returns home - our hearts stop a little also!!
I had a horrible feeling something was amiss - so I got up and went outside to see if I could see B.
I called him - no answer - so I thought I had no option but to walk slow and steady down our long dirt drive to find him.
It is a bit of a walk to the gate and I have to say I was feeling quite worried when I didn't see him and he wasn't replying!!

Well the angels must have been busy that day as almost at the entrance there was the tractor almost vertical down a very steep bank!!
The grass was very long at the entrance and the ground was quite muddy with the rain so the tractor and slasher had slipped down the bank backwards.
It could so easily have jackknifed on itself and the story would have been different!
Thankfully B was unhurt and when I called he and a neighbour appeared from the back! Our neighbour across the way had seen the accident happen and run over and scaled the fence to check on B.
What a relief - if I could post a photo you would know what I mean!
It was all a bit of a shock - well we certainly could do with a bit more drama!!!!!
Anyway all was fine in the end - our neighbour amazingly managed to pull the tractor out with his truck after he and B removed the slasher!

Not long after we sat outside sipping a cold drink - thankful that we were indeed sitting there together!
Unbelievable!!!
Well we are certainly appreciating our days to the full - how easily things can change.
These days are certainly pushing what is truely of value to the fore.
Hold on to those you love with both hands, make the most of every moment , our lives are in the hear and now.
Dont yearn too much for what is to come as great as that may be - yearn to make the best of what is ......

Friday 22 April 2011

What is Faith if not for times such as this!

I have been attempting to fill in the gaps of the days away but today I am just touched by the meaning of Good Friday.

I have been home for 2 full days now and it has been wonderful.
The sun has been shining and the surroundings of the farm are therapeutic for the soul.

I have just been watching a program on the Easter experience - reflections on the lives of those immediately around Jesus on the day of crucifixion!
A beautiful story of real lives! The commentator was saying that for those who loved Him - they may not have expected the pain and suffering in their lives! Yet this pain and suffering did not mean He could not be trusted in all things!
I am one of those real lives - I have been challenged with my circumstances to trust no matter what.
Of what value is our faith if we cannot draw upon it in pain and suffering!

This is not a road I would have chosen and I know that I am still at the beginning of it and yet I know that I am not travelling it alone. In these first steps I have had such profound and deeply positive experiences that it is as if living a life in parallel. Darkness and light !.
The night before I was going to see the surgeon to decide on whether to have to mastectomy or a more conservative option I was having trouble sleeping!
I had gone to bed but woken up again close to midnight and was having trouble getting back to sleep - I went to the computer and started to google info related to the 2 options and praying for wisdom!
As a sat there an email came through - I heard the message beep and went to have a look to see who it was from.
It was just a circular email sent from a ecard company but the little note was about fighting battles - it was filled with encouragement and hope and then just below this was a sample ecard.
All I could see was a picture of a butterfly so I clicked on it and this is what it said!
  
   You are a fighter, a survivor
   A woman of faith and strength
   You are a tough opponent for any challenge
   Even the big C is no match for you
   because you belong to an even bigger C "Christ"

Well you can imagine how amazing it was to read this - how it had come through after midnight while I was sitting at the computer.
 I went to bed and slept peacefully after that.

There is nothing like challenging circumstances to strip away our being , to leave us exposed and vulnerable yet in this can come great freedom!
The love of our heavenly father is not dictated too by circumstances - in fact in the midst of the most challenging circumstances, we can know that love more deeply than ever before!

Though a host encamp against me
My heart shall not fear
Though war rise against me
Even then I will be confident
For in the day of trouble
He will hide me in His shelter
In the secret place of His tent will He hide me
He will set me high upon a rock.....

We had some interesting goings on at the farm today but that will be a story for tomorrow.


Happy Easter ..........

Home sweet home!!!

So I was waiting with eager anticipation for the surgeons to do their rounds and give me my exit ticket!!
And they did - I was allowed to go if I felt up to it and would return next week for a follow-up on the wound and to talk about results.

I felt a relief to be going home and although I didn't particularily know why I felt quite teary that morning!
When B came to pick me up it was great just to have a hug and we gathered all my bits and pieces, cards and flowers and headed for the car!
I still felt a bit out of it and was looking forward to relaxing at home.
The breast care nurse had not come to see me before my discharge and my darling husband was concerned that I was being sent away without my new bra?prosthesis etc so he called her from the car and made an appointment for me to see her the next morning!!!
I felt a wonderful sense of relief as we arrived at the farm gate - we were home!

I have to again sing the praises of my man - he had a most beautiful card waiting for me when I got in - and tenderly got me settled back home!
We have had all sorts of stress earlier in the year related to B's work and our visa etc and yet despite all that he has really been a pillar of strength to me! I am very blessed !
B had to go to work from lunchtime so I had called on another dear friend to stay with me. She too was greeted with a few tears - it was just great to see her also!
I was pretty exhausted through the lack of sleep the night before and I guess my tear ducts needed a work out!!

We just hung out together talking and not talking as I slothed on the sofa! I do not take for granted the incredible people in my life! Friends who are happy to see you at your worst, to just be with you just because, to organise a number of weeks meals and delivery without your knowledge, to think about things you haven't , it goes on and on.........
To friends near and far who are praying, encouraging and doing bits to help me on this road - I truely thank you .

Time passed quickly up to school pickup - my friend went to pick up her kiddies as awaited mine to return with another friend.
It was a happy reunion with the girls they were just glad to have me back with them - although they have been handling things well under the circumstances - it was really tough for them having me in hospital!
I could see the change in their faces - they gave me a big hug and then went off to play with my friends daughter - so that was great.
My friend stayed with me for a while and we just relaxed until B was due to come home!!

That night we had a wonderful meal that had been prepared and delivered earlier in the day . What a treat not to have to worry about cooking!!!
It was early to bed for me - and my bed had never felt so good.

Home sweet home ...... oh yes !!!!!!

Thursday 21 April 2011

I have my puffball !

Well I am the proud owner of my first prothesis - sounds fancy doesn't it. The truth is I have a cotton triangle filled with what I can only describe as soft toy stuffing!!! This will be my substitute until I get the real shebang!!!
Anyway I have run ahead of myself. Still filling in the gaps..

So I had woken up in recovery - all a bit of a blur really - I shall not go into too much detail about the first day as unfortunately recovering from the anaesthetic took a while, I was spaced out, teary and vomiing for most of the day. I had a drain in, intravenous line in and oxygen on the go. Needless to say when my poor family came later that afternoon they got a bit of a shock!!
I was struggling to keep my eyes open when they came and these 3 worried faces looked at me - c kept saying mum I didn't think you would look this bad with tears streaming down her usually joyful little face, A and B just looked a bit shellshocked and my slurred words didn't offer much comfort!!
They didnt stay long and then went to a dear friends for dinner - I was so thankful they weren't heading home alone with their worries!!

After feeding my precious family my poor friend arrived back at the hospital to see me and help me into my pj's!
I was still suffering the effects of being under GA when she arrived later that evening!
It is a good friend that can stand beside you as you throw up continuously , bring a wet cloth to mop your brow and help wiggle you out of an oversized theatre gown into your own comfy pj's.
Thankfully she has nursing under her belt but her patients are usually baby size and we are more used to laughing over a cuppa together as opposed to this scenerio!!
I was so thankful for her being there to settle me for the night!!
The ward I was in was mixed as often the case her in Oz. I had 3 men in the beds opposite me and 2 ladies to the side. I did have a window seat on this flight which was good!
You soon have to throw all selfconciousness to the wind with this set -up. There I was behind the curtain - one breast missing trying to go to the loo on a commode in the silence of a multi sexed ward!
But I did it - yeha!!!

The first day was tough but I am pleased to say - day 2 was a lot brighter. Amazing how much better you feel after a nights sleep and some breakfast! I had walked to the loo in the night - so was up and about which was good - didn't fancy a repeat behind the curtain experience!!
I had colour in my cheeks and lay looking out the window at the pouring rain - glad I wasn't missing out on sunshine .
I had been unsure how I would feel after the op especially when I had to look at the wound etc but I have to say it was much better than I had thought. I am not even sure what I had expected but the very neatly stitched wound across my chest to arm did not shock me as I had thought it might!
It was so neat and clean and in a sense I did feel that relief at having the cancerous parts taken away!
It was sore but not unbareable - I really felt again such a sense that everything was going to be okay!!
I was looking forward to seeing the girls later as at least today they would leave with a different picture in their minds when they returned home.
They did visit and we were able to have a cuddle which was great , C was fascinated to see the blood in the drain, peered at the wound over and over and asked me how long it would be until my boob grew back!!! Too funny!

There had been talk before the op of me going home the day after but my drain was still filling quite a bit so I was to stay another night!!
I didn't sleep so well that night - I guess the GA had worn off enough by then - so I lay awake off and on listening to the sweet sounds of hospital nightlife - bells going off , patients shuffling to the toilet , gaseous explosions from someone in my room, nurses nattering so by the morning I was wrecked!!!
I have to say the night staff were great though - one of the male nurses was particularily on th ball - I had to laugh as the first night I met him the ward lights were off and he came to check my drip! I was blinded by what I can only describe as a miners headlamp - he didn't carry a torch - went for the hands free option - very practical but very funny!!!

So day 2 had come and gone and I was hoping to go home .......

The deed is done !!!!!

Well I am home - 3 days post mastectomy and I am attempting to type !!!! I shall attempt to fill in the gaps piece by piece!

The sun is shining today and it is great to be home !! Absolutely nothing like being in your own bed.....

So Monday was the day - after a pretty restless nights sleep B and I headed to the hospital after dropping of the girls. C was still happy to go to school but A didn't think she could do it, so she spent the day with some lovely friends!!
Well it was a grey and rainy day on Monday - the signing in for surgery was a trail from room to room filing in info etc as we went. Finally we ended in a waiting room outside the operating theatres - after a kiss goodbye I was taken by a nurse in scrubs to get changed. my clothes were put in a bag and along with my bits I had brought in put on the luggage trolley to go to the ward! How I wished I was at the airport instead!!

After a few more questions and blood pressure etc - I had my very stylish embolism socks put on and was led into yet another waiting room where a number of equally glamourous people in theatre gowns sat watching the telly!
I was given a warmed blanket to snuggle under to comfort me as I waited for my name to be called!
The lady sitting next to me asked me if I was going for a colonoscopy too ? I said I wish I was and told her what lay ahead!
Amazingly it turned out she had just finished her 5 year treatment for breast cancer - was now working as a liason officer for a local support group and invited me to join them for a kayaking outing in a few months where a sea of pink ladies would be celebrating surviving breast cancer!!
She was really lovely and again how amazing that she should be sitting in the pre-op area waiting with me before my mastectomy!!

Not long after that the anaethatist came in to see me  - he was really lovely and we had a bit of a laugh as I told him of my epidural that had numbed my top cheeks instead of the bottom ones and my spinal that also did a few weird things so when he offered me this fancy new injection in the back for chronic pain - I gracefully declined considering my track record!!
Shortly after seeing him I was called for the main performance - with in no time I was put to sleep in a little room directly outside the operating theatre I was going into , and the next thing I knew I had woken up in recovery!!

The deed had been done ..........

Friday 15 April 2011

Under The Shadow of His wings!

Well 3 more sleeps!!

The aneathesist  told me on Tuesday to keep busy up until surgery on Monday - so I took her at her word and we have had a whirlwind of a week.

Wednesday we had a delightful morning watching Rio at the movies with a dear friend and her 2 littlies who had never watched a movie on the big screen before. It was great  -all singing and dancing hehe x What fun to watch the wonder in their faces as they munched away on popcorn in boxes almost as big as they were.
Lunch at maccas and then a quick cuppa with another friend before taking Caitlin to horseriding!!
I was so pooped by the end of it I think I was in bed by about 8.30pm!!!

The next day was filled with washing, grocery shopping, dvd hiring for the girls, hair-trim and eyebrow waxing!! Thought I better throw that in the mix - get rid of the hairy caterpillars before d-day !!
We went out for a lovely family meal together - good food, wine and laughter!!

Today was the cherry on the top - a beautiful day filled with sunshine - we took ourselves off to the beach - what a pleasure to be in the sea with the girls and B. The hours flitted by and we had a lovely walk headed for ice-creams as the sun went down.
It is quite funny how conversation about mastectomy and prosthesis has become very natural in our family - we had more jokes today about making sure my prosthesis would be secure whilst swimming otherwise it might be a bit awkward to ask the lifeguards if they could help me rescue my breast !!!
Home for pizza and Prince Caspian!!
A day that has been so good for the soul x

Keeping busy has been great but I am aware that Monday is fast approaching!
I still in many ways can't believe that I really have cancer - it is all quite surreal - I have been for a multitude of tests , seen a number of Drs, have had people cry with me , have cried by myself , willingly signed consent to have my breast removed - it is all quite unreal!!
As I was swimming in the sea today - I was thinking about how that it would be the last time that my body would be in the sea as it is now!
Although that was a sobering thought , I was also struck by how rich my life is - there I was on this amazing beach with my beautiful family - knowing I have friends who genuinely love and care for me , a home in surroundings I have always dreamt of and I have access to a hospital where I can be treated and I thought how full my glass truely is!
Losing part of my body is a huge challenge I had not expected yet I just kept thinking today that we always have to look at the bigger picture!!
My worth, my femininity , my person is not in that part that will be lost but indeed in the part that is left behind!!
I am writing this knowing there may be times ahead where I don't feel this so strongly, but I can read this again and remind myself of what is true!!

This rollercoaster doesn't come with a steering wheel - so I am riding it one day at a time - trying to see the glass half full and not half empty!
I am going where it takes me as I am not driving but even on the cloudiest stretch I yearn to find some sunlight.

A friend sent this to me today :
He will shield you with His wings.
He will shelter you with His feathers
His faithful promises are your armour and protection.

How beautiful is that - how I want to shelter under the shadow of His wing .......

Tuesday 12 April 2011

Hi Ho Hi Ho its for a Mastectomy I go!!

Well life really has become quite bizarre !!
After my appointment today B and I are sitting sipping cappucinnos talking quite matter of factly about having one of my breasts cut off!!!

I should backtrack a bit - today was dday for the decision - I have wrestled with it all week - googling all research available - asking questions, praying for wisdom and I even braved watching a  BBC Knowledge show about Breast Cancer - which I have to say was pretty depressing!!
In any case I really wanted to have my decision settled today - not a great choice really - lose all your breast or a large chunk with unsure outcome!

Well I started in the pre op clinic first where my first instruction on arrival was the  joyous task of having to give a urine sample in a tiny pot - not sure quite how you are supposed to aim for that (oops maybe that was too much info) .
Next a nurse took me away and I was asked all manner of questions, had an ECG ,blood pressure etc etc!!
I was given instructions on how to prepare for the day of the op and given a tube of antiseptic goo to wash with!!!
Next was the anaesthetist - a warm and bubbly lady who whisked through the GA questions - my biggest concern was that they wouldn't knock out my capped tooth at the front!!!
Losing a breast and a tooth would not be a good look!!!
She then spent more time asking me how I was. She was really lovely with a lot of life experience and she encouraged me that I had a good surgeon and said that it wouldn't be the physiology part of the op that would be the hardest - I hadn't finalised which op it was at that point. After my trip to the pre-op clinic I was heading over to the hospital to see the surgeon!!!

B met me there and once again we sat amongst the mass of people sitting in the outpatients. Each there with their own story to tell!!
It wasn't long before I was called - went into the exam room. The breast care nurse came in first and said so you are here to sign the consent for mastectomy!!
I said oh well I had a few things to discuss with Dr x first.
She then went on to say that he wasn't at clinic today and another Dr was taking it!!
I was clutching my list of carefully written questions and said to her that I had hoped to talk through a few things before signing the consent!!!
She said the other Dr was just on the phone to Dr X and she would let them know.!!!!!

We waited for what felt like eternity but was really just a few minutes!!
Then in came another lady Dr that we hadn't met - but within the first sentence I knew she was just right for us to talk to and within the first minute I knew what had to be done.
We chatted on for a while discussing everything but I had such a settledness about how to proceed.
She was a lovely women and only after I had confirmed my decision with her did she reveal that she herself had had a mastectomy!!
She was a very positive and encouraging example of life after cancer treatment.
The Lord knows what He is doing!!!!

So now we wait - not long only a few days !!
 My eldest daughter and I had a good chat about what was to come - I showed her pictures of the prosthesis options and we had such a laugh talking about that.
Things like "Oh sweetie can you help me find my boob - not sure where I left it!!! and " Oh no mom your going to have to get another one I think the dog has taken it " caused us to collapse once more on the bed in a fit of giggles!!!
These times are too precious - my youngest daughter helped me hang up the washing twice today without a single word of complaint - and through the day continues with her meaningful hugs and questions of how are you doing mum.
We are going to try and fill these last few days with lots of fun.

Well humour aside - and I am thankful for it - I know this is going to be a huge challenge ahead - yet still I have the peace that I will come through!!
Thank you once again to those near and far who continue to pray and encourage - I know that it is not my own doing that I feel the strength to fight!!!

So sword unsheathed , armour on , head down ................. the battlefield is fast approaching ........

PS. My youngest daughter has just read over my shoulder about having a breast cut off - she looked at my earnestly and said Mum are you having a breast cut off ? Yes I replied to this rather shocked looking face!!! She thought for a minute then said Can they put a new one back?? Yes i replied to a rather happier looking face . Phew she says whilst wiping her hand across her forehead in a rather dramatic manner!! Thats good she says !! Wearing a bra might have been a bit tricky!!! Gives me a hug and bounces off singing!!!! I just love it xxxxx

Saturday 9 April 2011

What a difference a day makes ......

On first meeting the breast cancer nurse she said you are on a rollarcoaster that you cant get off. Just go with it !!!
There is no stopping it now!

Well today my rollarcoaster is on the lower slope - funny how life is - have felt strong and positive these last days but I think a combination of a late night and too much internet googling has brought a sober reality to focus.

I know in a sense this is the calm before the storm - that I am having an opportunity to root myself in truth and love before the big wave hits!!
I have been so spoilt with love and care and yet as someone said, I still have to pay the price so to speak!
The decision of which way to go with the op still hangs - we have been researching all we can and need to speak to the oncologist etc for further info.
I know that no-one would openly choose to have a mastectomy if you had an other option - or maybe some would. I thought I had my head around going for full surgery but now that an alternative has been raised - I  realise that not having one has a much greater appeal - yet its not that simple.
Can you smell the wood burning ??????

So as the days move forward the weight of what is to come gets heavier! I guess its just filled with unknown elements and when you read accounts of other womens journeys - clearly its not a path you would choose.

Nevertheless we are sorting and doing this weekend and this last week of holidays I am going to have fun with my girlies!! Movies, shopping whatever we fancy!!! It is great that we can have this lovely family time before all gets going.
Its a funny thought that once this week ahead has passed that things will never be the same!
 I am not meaning that pessimistically but good and bad it will be different !!!
It really is important to grab life with both hands and make the most of every moment  - our path can take a direction that we would not have chosen!!

I was encouraged this morning as a friend in the UK who had only just found about my story sent me this.

Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand. !!

I am thankful I have this peace to see me through .................

Friday 8 April 2011

Learning to dance in the rain ......

Its amazing how refreshing a date night with your hubby can be!

Last night the girls stayed over at a friends house for their Barbie-thon!!!
They had a really fun night with pink at every turn, B and I went to a movie , had a bite to eat and then had a very lazy and peaceful morning together.
What a treat!!!

I am truely spoilt with such good friends in my corner .
Yesterday another dear friend texted me to say she was organising a meals roster, another sent me a beautiful message of love and encouragement to mention but a few.
Friends further a field and close to home are keeping in contact via email / Fb and I know I am being carried by prayers far and wide.
What a priviledge for me to have such wonderful people around me.
I read a little saying that said
 'Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when we have trouble remembering how to fly'
I thank God for the 'angels' that he has in place here on earth!!

So I have a list of things to do before D.Day - too funny how we want to have all in place - actually maybe its just me!! hehe . I have had jobs waiting in the wings that have been there for a while now but no now there is this urgency to get everything done!!
No pressure for my poor husband!!!!!

My darling youngest daughter said to me this morning "Mom I really wish you didn't have breast cancer. Why do your molecules have to go all funny!!! " She is a treasure x

 I had another email from a friend overseas yesterday who is on her own journey of a different kind and she shared this with me.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass but learning how to dance in the rain!!!!!
I just love this !

I am going to do my best to keep that boogie going ............

Thursday 7 April 2011

My God will supply all my needs ......

Well a lot has happened since my last post.
The hospital gave me a call and I have an op date - 18 April.
Overall that works out well as we can have a good time with the girls in the holidays and then when they go back - I go and have the chop!!!!

I still am not sure what I am doing with that - initially I was only offered a mastectomy as treatment of choice but as B asked a few more questions the last surgeon we saw said he could try a partial mastectomy but I would lose a minimum of a third and then there was no guarantee that the surrounding tissue taken with the lumps would have a clear margin ( cancer free) and if this was the case I would have to go back in again and have the full op in any case.!!!
Unfortunately he didn't give me a definitive answer as which direction would be best -he did start the conversation by saying what you should be asking  is why not mastectomy !!!
Yet said he could also do the other - so I left a little in a muddle!!
Each option will give the same result combined with the chemo and radiation !
But clearly if tissue remains behind that could possibly present a problem later!
So lots to ponder - am praying for wisdom - I have until next Tuesday to decide - then I have to sign the consent form!!!

So now I have time to get things organised !!
A dear friend gave me the number of a lady to help with cleaning etc as I won't be up to much for a couple of weeks!!
What a delightful conversation we had - such a cheerful bubbly lady - I told her my situation and I think I have just met Mary Poppins!!!
There is nothing she can't do !!!!!! Was so willing to help me with all - even offered to cheer me up with singing whilst she worked.
We had a giggle xxxxx
God is certainly interested in the details of our needs and I have been presented with a lady I have never met who is so willing to help us meet them!!

Our home is a flurry of pink and the smell of baking at the moment. The girls are going to stay at a friends tonight and are going shortly to start a Barbie-thon. They are attempting to watch all the barbie movies ever made - what a laugh - my eldest daughter worked out that this would take over 24 hours of non stop movie watching - so I have warned my friend in advance!
They are baking cupcakes that will be iced with pink icing, they have made pink chocolates , pink biscuits and have numerous other pink edible items ready to go.
They are so excited - they are even wearing pink clothes - what fun!!!
So wonderful that they can have something to look forward to !!!!

So the count-down has begun !!!!
10 days until the real journey gets going .............

Wednesday 6 April 2011

Decisions,decisions,decisions??????

Hi well it is a beautiful morning , warm sun and soft breezes!


I have some decisions to make - I have to say I am so thankful for my girls on this road - they are my own personal gentle breeze!!
They bring a lightness to a difficult situation. My youngest daughter is so full of fun and joy - she sings and twirls from the moment her eyes open until she collapses at night - she keeps giving me these tender long hugs and says mum don't worry we will make it through this together!
Oh the maturity of a 9 year old.
Earlier this morning she told me I didn't need to put on any make-up as I was just beautiful without it! Clearly her rose-tinted glasses when looking at me were working very well hehe x
This was closely followed by mum do you know that when God looks down from heaven and sees you he must think that one of His angels are missing!!!
Oh the joys of your own personal praise singer - how special x


My older daughter and I had a more detailed chat about the decisions I have to make and we ended up laughing as we were talking about reconstructive surgery!!
I was explaining about the different ways reconstruction could be done and she thought it very funny that they can take a bit from your tummy area and make a new breast!
She looked at me with a wry smile and said if your hungry do you think your boob will rumble. To which we both collapsed laughing on the bed!!!
As I said my own personal breeze!!


So here I sit contemplating which road to take - part of the challenge is that I am not sure that I have all the information - so I think I need to be asking a few more questions!
I had a lengthy chat with a wonderful friend in the UK who has worked in this area of nursing for many years - what a blessing to have her to talk about the nitty gritty details! Thank you lovely friend if you are reading this.


In some ways it feels like things are going slowly and yet on the other this pace is allowing me the chance to let it all sink in - although even now there are moments that it all feels like a bad dream!
I am trying to take one day at a time.


A friend read something today that she sent to me which said
 'In the depth of my winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer' (Albert Camus).


Oh Lord let it be so .......







Tuesday 5 April 2011

Reality bites !!!

Ok so here I am again - hospital appointment under my belt.

Where to begin - my wonderful husband took me to the hospital and on walking in he said something along the lines of well here we go let the ride begin ! To which I replied I fancy handing my ticket back and getting a refund!!
Unfortunately that wasn't an option.

So we arrived at outpatients - a bustling row of cubicles with waiting areas outside each one .
I asked at main reception where I should go and she pointed down the corridor and said cubicle C. On approaching that desk I was rather gruffly told to take a ticket and a seat!!!
Clearly I hadn't read the sign!! So I took my ticket much like you do at the shops to be served at the meat counter and obediently took my seat!

There we sat amongst a number of ladies who were a number of years ahead of me in lifes journey!!
My number was called and the lady behind the desk asked me a couple of admin bits, I had to fill in a form and wait to be called.
Before long I was asked to come into the exam room.
B and I sat there alone contemplating what was to come before the Dr came in and as this was a training hospital he also had a rather shy looking medical student with him.

So our second 'Cancer talk' began.
Mastectomy, reconstruction, long waiting lists, chemo, radiation, axillary clearance were words that were tossed to and fro.
Another prod of the lumps by the Dr and a rather self concious Dr in training!
At the end of it all reality had hit me especially when he commented just to accept the next 12 months should be how we should view this road.
I was hoping complete healing may have had a shorter time frame!!!!

Anyway after all our discussion I was left with the instruction to decide which way I wanted to go and I must come back next week to sign the consent form.
It would be at least 3 weeks he reckoned before the op as he only operates on Mondays and easter is on its way!!
On leaving he said the breast cancer nurse would like to come in and have a word.

B and I were once again alone in the exam room - he tenderly took my arm and of course that just brought my tears right to the surface!!
I told him not to be too nice to me as I was trying to hold it together to talk to the nurse.
She came in just at that moment and sat at the desk. I said to her sorry I was just feeling a bit emotional .
She then quite calmly said well this is a bit of a rollercoaster ride and you cant get off so just go with where you are at!!!
She obviously didnt realise that I had wanted to cash my ticket in earlier already!!!

I was given another wad of info - that filing cabinet need was growing!!
Pamphlets on makeup and wigs, depression ,prosthesis , underwear options etc etc etc.
Didn't she realise that I didnt even have my op date yet - I wasn't quite ready to be choosing a wig !!!!
Oh well I left with my ever supportive husband, large bag of endless scans and another plastic folder of info and another weeks wait before getting any closer to an op date.

So yes I have breast cancer - let the ride continue!!!!!



Where can I hide ??

Hi well here we are - the day to see the surgeon is here. I feel like my stomach is churning , my mouth is dry and I cant concentrate.
I am counting down until 2pm our time to get to the appointment. Part of me wants to go to find out what  lies ahead with the treatment plan and another part of me would just like to run away and hide.

In my rational mind I know the cancer needs to go and I am all for that - but it is what it takes with it that Im not so sure about.
The laugh is the breasts I had when younger are no more in any case - after having 2 girls and breast feeding they have been almost reabsorbed which is a pity as if they had have been bigger perhaps a lumpectomy may have been possible.

I know in my head that it is just a bit of your body and that it doesn't define who you are - and I have never been strongly focussed on shape and figure - gave up on that years back.
Yet here I am being presented with the possibility of losing part of me and it feels like a huge undertaking.
I still have a deep peace that all is going to be okay but know I still have to walk through the steps and deal with what those steps throw at me.
A friend and I were laughing the other day as ironically I have always had an interest in Breast cancer and when I did my return to nursing course in the Uk about 6 years ago now - I worked on a womans health ward and a good proportion of those ladies were dealing with breast cancer.
I took them down for pre op scans and cared for post mastectomy patients and even took a lady down to have her prosthesis fitted.
The training to specialize as a breast care nurse was quite long and not possible for me to do at that time. Little did I know that a number of years later I would be having a personalised crash course of my own.

Well its almost time for the appointment so off I go to find out what awaits me - I am hoping we will get details of surgery dates etc but will see.

Deep breaths - Be strong and courageous , be strong and courageous - I am hoping I will be xxx

Monday 4 April 2011

Tests, tests, tests.

So it was true - I have breast cancer!
The weekend was filled with a rollercoaster of emotions and we told my eldest daughter which was something I wasn't looking forward to.
We sat together on her bed and I was trying hard to hold my tears back - they were for her not me - as I didn't want her to have to carry this burden.
She however was amazing - we talked together about everything - I answered her questions then we hugged , cried and prayed together.
What a wonderful young lady she is - I am so proud of her.
Thankfully she has made some lovely friends and she went and called her closest friend right after we chatted. I am so glad she has that support around her.


Initially we told my youngest daughter a more limited tale - just that I had lumps that need to be removed and I might have further treatment after that! She asked if the Dr.'s just went in and popped them - if only that were the case haha !!!
She knows the full story now!


The week after my diagnosis was filled with a barrage of appointments and tests. 
How many strangers can you take your clothes off for in a week!! Quite a few I have to say.
Monday I met a Breast Specialist - a lovely Doctor who checked everything and sat us down together to give us " The Cancer Talk " as she called it. We were given an overview of what was happening, possible treatment options and a number of referral forms for MRI, CT scan and bone scan and bloods.
Based on what she knew thus far a mastectomy with chemotherapy appeared to be on the cards.
Unfortunately she would not be the one to do my op as she only works in the private sector and we are public. But nevertheless she was a good start to our breast cancer journey!! A referral was sent to the hospital and I had to wait for them to contact me.


So the tests began - did the bloods on Tuesday, MRI on Wednesday, Bone scan and CT scan on Thursday.
What an experience - the MRI is something I wont forget easily!
I was called in by a very young technician - she put a intravenous line in for fluid to be injected mid procedure!
I was given a sheet with a long list of music on it and asked what I would like to listen to during the proceedings.
I thought that Elvis Presley would be a good choice!! Knew that would make me smile!


I was led into the MRI room where the large donut like machine awaited. I was asked to lie down on this surfboard looking like affair with my gown open, drop my boobs through 2 circular holes and place my face in what I can only describe as a mini soft toilet seat !! I had the earphones placed over my ears and there I was ready to go!!! Not the most glamourous picture!! I was slid into the machine with Elvis singing away in my ears and the technician left the room .
In no time a Shotgun noise was firing away amidst dear Elvis and Jail house rock - what a laugh!!
About 20 minutes later it was all over and out I came!!!!


The next day was to last from 10 -2 with more exciting experiences and clothing removal.
Prior to arrival I had to be nil per mouth from 6.30 am and then only drink 4 lots of the most vile tasting isotope mixture - it was truly disgusting !!!
The Ct scan also required that I have a line put in and this time it was a male technician with a rather high pitched voice telling me in a rather nonchalant manner that the injection would cause my extremities to burn like fire; my ears, head and private parts would be part of this experience but not to worry it would only last for a minute or so!!
So I was ready - I was on my back this time and in I went.
He was right - I was on fire for a minute or so - absolutely bizarre!!! This one didn't last too long so that was a relief!!


I was then told to follow him to another room - so with one hand I held my terribly stylish paper-like gown around me to preserve some dignity and the other carried my belongings in what can only be described as a woolies shopping basket!!!
Grocery shopping took on a whole new appeal at that moment as I would have much rather been doing that for sure!!


I sat next to a rather nervous looking lady in the next waiting room while the technician went to talk to the Nuclear Medicine Guy!!!!
Thankfully he came back and said I could get dressed - which proved a bit of a challenge as I still had my line in my wrist waiting for the next test!! Nevertheless I managed rather slowly to get my clothes back on and felt much better for it!!!
Not long after I was called in and the new technician explained what was to happen with the bone scan - he was going to inject some radioactive substance into me and then I was to return in an hour and a half for the scan!!
I wondered if when darkness fell that night if there would be a glow above the farm from all the stuff I had ingested and had injected that day!!!


B and I escaped the facility to have a bite to eat - we went to the nearby promenade along the beach and nestled quietly in a restaurant overlooking the sea.
What a contrast to where I had been all morning!!
We shared a delicious steak sandwich and although tempted to have a glass of wine I resisted to get through the tests!!
The time flew by and the we left the tranquility of this spot to return to the high tech world of MRI, CT and bone scanning!
Joy of joys this time I could keep my clothes on - I was told to lie on the machine and my feet were strapped together and my arms where siddled into these holders!!!
The technician said that I was to lie very still and a plate would move from the top of my head down to my toes. He said it would begin at  my head and the plate would come very close and it might be best to close my eyes!! This first part would last 5 -6 minutes!!
Being a bit claustrophobic this proved a real challenge for me - the plate was pretty large and lowered to almost touch my nose!!
I closed my eyes and prayed hard that I would be calm! Tried to think positively and knew I couldn't open my eyes for fear of seeing that plate above me.
I was concentrating so hard to remain calm - I thought what I saw was a heavenly light God was sending to encourage me - oh thank you - except then I heard the technician speak and realized that actually the plate had just moved away from my face and was now scanning my body! What a laugh !!


Whilst this scan was going on he told me that I needed to go for an Ultrasound after - he wasn't sure whether it was my abdomen or breasts. Neither of which had been scheduled so of course alarm bells started to ring - what had they found on the previous scans!! I just felt that still voice within calm me and say just trust me!!


After a few more various angled scans I was sent off to ultrasound - and you guessed it - off with my clothes again!!
The sonographer was a lovely lady and said they had seen something on the breast MRI on the other side that they just wanted to double-check!!!
She covered me with the goo and had a look and then said the Dr would come in to check!!
There I was lying on the table , breast in the breeze when the Dr came in and introduced himself.
Not the usual way of meeting and greeting someone but such as it was!!
He explained there was a spot of concern that he wanted to check - after looking he felt there was nothing to be alarmed about and that I should return in 6 months to re MRI that side for follow-up!! Hmm what music should I choose then!!
He wished me all the best and said I would come through!!


Finally we were finished for the day!
We left with an armful of scans - we had started a breast cancer file as there are so many bits and pieces to keep - but on leaving there I thought an entire filing cabinet may be more appropriate!


So my first week after diagnosis had come and gone - it had made it all seem more real and make me feel like I was now dealing with an illness.
I have some beautiful girlfriends who organized for me to get together with them on the Thursday night for Thai takeaway, wine and a natter.
It was just what I needed we were all tired but was just so good to hang out with special friends and talk about things that weren't to do with me.
I have been truly blessed to have such friends in my corner - one friend described them as my soldiers flanking me at battle!! 
An army I am so thankful for.
I am truly privileged to have such wonderful people around me, my husband has been a true warrior in this - he has been such a support to me , my beautiful daughters who I am so proud of and friends near and far who are praying and supporting!


This is a journey with unknown parts but what I do know is that I am going to make it!!!!!







A New Chapter

Hi Well here I am with my first attempt at blogging !
 My life has taken an unexpected turn and I was encouraged to put it down to help with the journey - so here goes.

I am not too sure where to begin really - the last couple of years have had their peaks and troughs - we moved to Australia almost 4 years ago and landed in the most beautiful part of the world. It felt like paradise to us having spent 11 years in the UK. The sun was so bright, the beaches absolutely stunning, picturesque mountains and all that had to offer at our finger tips.
A new adventure had begun ....
This adventure certainly had its challenges - I had a miscarriage in the first year of being here and then the following year found out that I was in early menopause - my poor family had to put up with a crazy woman until this was sorted out - I didnt recognise myself - thank goodness I have a wonderful GP who got to the bottom of it all and I started some hormonal treatment to get me back on track. 
It was in the midst of all of this at the end of 2009 that I first felt a breast lump. I was sent to have it checked and had a mammogram and ultrasound - was given the all clear and told to return in 2 years!!!

Life continued on - we moved from our new housing estate home to an old ramshackled Queensland cottage on some acreage. Our own little piece of heaven - lots to do but a dream come true for us. We added some cows and goats to the mix - there a few stories to tell there also!!
This last year I was battling with my hormones again - just not feeling right - at the beginning of 2011 - I started HRT - I must say there was a bit of a mind struggle accepting menopause and HRT - I felt like I was getting old before my time.
In the last few months I had felt like the lump was growing in size so a couple of weeks ago I raised my concerns with my GP.
At first she was pretty relaxed and said ok lets just check it and see if we wait for followup this Nov or do another mammogram etc.
Well after checking it she became quite serious and said I need to go that week for a mammogram and ultrasound!!
I was going to Sydney for the weekend so I decided I would make the appointment for the Monday morning that I returned.
Deep down I knew something was up - I went to a womens conference and when I was away I found another lump - this was strange as I hadnt known there were 2 - so I knew something was changing.

I returned from my weekend away refreshed and centred - and really I think I had been prepared for the battle that lay ahead!
Monday morning I had the tests - after the ultrasound - the Dr came in and said he wanted to biopsy both lumps on Wednesday. He was also very serious but would not give me specifics at that time. I went to a dear friend after and sobbed with her - I really felt the results wouldn't be good. Yet even then I had a real assurance in my heart that I would come through no matter what.
 I had a large core needle biopsy done - 6 samples taken and I was sent home to wait for the results on Friday.
Funny having nursed many moons ago I just knew it wasn't good - the Doctor and ultrasound lady were handling me so tenderly as if they already knew - which I'm sure they did !!!

Well Friday came and as we sat waiting in the waiting room I was reminded of that bible verse - I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!
It played over and over in my mind - we were called in - the news wasn't good - malignancy found in both tumors.
My new journey had begun ....................