Bedtime blues!!

Okay so tonight I am feeling really annoyed about this whole cancer thing!!
I have just spent over an hour chatting to and trying to console my 9 year old daughter who has been sobbing because she doesn't want me to die!!

This journey is so unpredictable as we have had a lovely family day! It is grannys birthday and the day started with c making scrambled eggs on toast - we took it to granny while she was still in bed - we all stood at the door singing happy birthday and presented granny with breakfast and gifts!
That was until grandpa got his camera out to take a family photo ! We all scattered hehe - weren't too keen to be captured in our pjs and bleary eyes!!
We had a slow morning pottering, watching rugby and sitting outside soaking in the lovely weather!!

We took granny down to one of the local surfclubs for a birthday lunch followed by a walk along the promenade.
A coffee at starbucks and a peek in a few shops and art galleries and we were all out of puff!
We headed home - the girls and i were together singing and laughing as we went back to the farm where A made us the most delicious quiches - B got the fire going and the scene was set for an equally relaxing night!
We managed to skype my parents overseas who where shown around the house via laptop - modern technology is amazing!!
Then we chatted to my brother and sister in law who were phoning to wish granny happy birthday!
All in all a lovely day - and then .......

It was time for the girls to get to bed and then C was being a bit difficult in that regard so I'm afraid I told her off.
In no time she had apologised for her resistance and then the tears started to flow.
We cuddled in my bed and chatted and chatted.
She sobbed while saying very hesitantly that she feared I was going to die and how she didn't want that to happen .
She has been having a few friendship challenges at school and unfortunately because of what is happening with me her reserve is on empty so she isn't coping as well as she may have usually! She is feeling quite alone ! Sharing how she feels no-one at school understands what she is going through - how hard it is having a mom who has breast cancer!
Oh my heart !!!
At times she is as an old soul in a young body asking me philosophical questions about why this is so etc!
She voiced how we need to take a day off and just stay together as a family all day from morning to night without losing sight of each other !
And then the reason underlying it all I think came out - she can remember seeing a magazine in our previous house almost a year ago where there was a photo of a lady who had no hair sitting with her family and the caption read " I didnt want to go to sleep as I knew I wouldnt wake up!!!"
I don't ever remember seeing that but she had.
I have been open and talked about losing my hair not realising that for her she saw this as an indication that there was every possibility I would die!

It is bad enough that I have to walk this road but unfortunately for the girls they are forced to walk it too.
I felt so cross that my sweet 9 year old daughter is fearing going to sleep incase when she wakes up Im not there!
She has not being going to bed as usual for a while and each morning comes in and gives me the tightest squeeze - I feel sick that she has been carrying this undercover!!
She didn't want to worry me! Can you imagine - she is trying to protect me!!
Well we had a long chat about all sorts of details to do with the cancer, treatment etc and we finished off by reading a heartwarming story from Enid Blyton!!!
She was very happy to go from my bed to her own and after a kiss and another long cuddle was fast asleep!

As a mom we want to do everything to keep our children safe and protect them from harm!
Yet I know the road ahead is fraught with challenges and there will be tears - but one thing I am sure of this only makes we want to fight this all the more !
I have been blessed with a loving husband and 2 girls that I am so proud of - I am going to face this nightmare head- on.
I will lean on my heavenly Father, draw comfort from my family and friends and perservere to the other side of this cancer tunnel to see the light at the end!

Head down, deep breaths, one day at a time.
I want to make it through and hold my girls as tight as possible x