It is a cloudy overcast day here today.
There is a weird stillness in the air - or perhaps that is just reflective of my mood!
We are all somewhat sad in our household today. Gus our male goose died in the night from a paralysis tick! His poor mate has been calling for him all day and now she has settled next to the spot where he died - it is too sad.
My youngest daughter and I hugged each other and cried together this morning when we found him.
It is a sad thing in itself but to be honest it is another thing in our long list of recent challenges!!
Mum came out of hospital yesterday and is at home recouperating - she is still having the headaches but we are trusting that they will resolve over time as she takes the meds etc.
It has been so disappointing that her last month here she has been suffering the effects after our accident.
I have spent the last week going to radiotherapy and then up to the hospital to see mum - certainly not what was on the cards.
It is Breast Cancer awareness month internationally - there are adverts about raising funds, awareness etc. I had hoped to hold a fundraiser myself but just really can't manage that at the moment. I guess for people who know me - they already have an awareness.
Pinkoktober has really brought home to me what I have and am facing. We watched a program the other week about 7 ladies and their fight against cancer and just how it had affected and changed their lives.
There are times that I still cant believe this journey that I'm on - our lives have been irreversabily changed and challenged. There are times when I hate the colour pink!!
It is amazing to think that it is 7 months since I was diagnosed - sometimes it feels like there is no end in sight.
At times I wonder whether there will be a day where I don't have to face the discomfort under my arm and chest from the surgery.
I wonder whether there will be a day when surviving breast cancer won't be at the forefront of my mind.
I wonder what life will be like after - what will I be like?
I know that good has come from this too - and I know now more than ever the importance and value of my family.
I am thankful that I have one.
I am also thankful for all the mums from school and family friends who have continued to feed our family - it has been such a blessing and encouragement.
I am thankful for all the cyber support.
I am just feeling worn out now - someone said to me yesterday that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well I'm not sure I can handle anything more!!
My faith has sustained me this far and lifted me up from the darkness into the light, it has helped me fight the battlefield of the mind and it has given me hope.
I am praying now for a break - it is enough having to face one fight but they keep piling up!!
I am looking for the "joy to come in the morning"
A friend said they don't know how I have managed to keep a sense of humour in all of this - for me you have to see a funny side - but just now its not looking so funny.
Anyway I may have said it before but I know that although it is overcast and dull today - the sun has not moved away - it is still radiating behind the clouds with a warm and comforting glow.
I will keep my eyes searching for that sun so that I may feel the warmth on my face and the lightness in my spirit again.