Its all about love ......

Well hello all!

I am sitting here with my trusty laptop typing away - I can hear poor Gemma calling outside.
She is so heartbroken at the loss of Gus. Every day since his death she calls for him. They did everything together - each night as dusk was settling in they would walk down to the dam together and have a swim before settling for the night. Quite romantic!
Since we lost Gus , Gemma avoided going to the dam for the first few days and now she goes and each time she is there she calls for him.
I have had a number of sleep disturbed nights as she calls periodically for him in the wee small hours.
Each time she sees me when I come home from radiotherapy she waddles over calling - as much to say have you found him!!!
She is quite lost without him - he was always there her great white protector!!
It really tugs at my heart!

I have been thinking a lot about love and acceptance this weekend - I watched a dvd on the weekend which was about a young attractive guy who was all about appearances and success . A modern day tale a bit like beauty and the beast. His life is turned upside down when he loses his looks and the only way he can change back is to find someone to love him as he is.
His life has been all about himself and he had little regard for anyone elses feelings!
Needless to say it is a lovestory where he learns about himself and what is really important and in the end he gets the girl and finds real love.
Just seeing the extraordinary connection between 2 geese and watching this movie just brought to mind again the power of love and connection.

In a world that at times is pretty disconnected - how beautiful to believe in and see the power of love.
It is something we all need.
As in the movie love is not something that we can demand but rather is something that we can give and hopefully receive as another gives.
In life we may at times have relationships that break down , at times we may be misunderstood , at times we may be hurt and at times we may hurt others. Yet each of us has our own story , each of us has our own road with twists and turns. I remember years ago reading that old proverb that says 'Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins!" I just love that !
We may not really know anothers journey but we can love them along the way.
There is a beautiful exchange in the movie where the main character says to the girl. "When I am with you I don't feel ugly anymore"
How wonderful to feel so free and loved that the very thing that seemed to big in his life lost its hold.

I was just struck that that is how it is with our heavenly Father and His love for us.
He welcomes us with open arms no matter what!
He wants to love us no matter what!
He wants to be our safe place!
He wants that connection with us!

One thing about having breast cancer is that all the top dressing is taken away.
You are stripped to what lies beneath - what ever that may be.
Love is indeed refreshment to the soul.

So I guess I am reminded that we should always try to show our love freely, reach out to someone and tell them you care.
I know when our own tanks are low this can at times be a challenge - but if we run into the arms of Love itself - we too can receive and be strengthened!

Evelyn Mandel said

" Love allows us to live , and through living we grow in loving !!"

After the rain .....

Well it has been a rather interesting day today.
The sun is shining in more ways than one.
I did my usual trip to radiotherapy this morning after dropping the girls off - I was sitting having a coffee afterwards at a nearby bakery when I was approached by a trendy young mum holding her young daughter in her arms.
She asked me if I was having chemo - I am still wearing a headscarf even although there are beginnings of hair it is VERY sparse!
Before long we were chatting away - she had been through treatment last year while she was pregnant and just wanted to encourage me and let me know about a group that she went to and invited me to come along.
How amazing is that - that after my low ebb yesterday an absolute stranger should approach me with encouragement.
A coincidence !!! I don't think so.
I had been thinking about connecting in with some other women going through this journey but hadn't really done anything in the physical.
I have connected in in the cyber world but you know there is nothing like human contact!!!
I was just saying to mum that in a world that is so involved with cyber technology we often miss out on that face to face interaction. I know myself that sending a text is usually the first port of call rather than picking up the phone and speaking etc.
I have also however received a lot of encouragement across cyberspace and I am very appreciative of that too of course!!
Anyway I am now going to brave it and visit one of the coffee mornings and see how it goes!!


I did have a number of lovely messages last night and this morning - thank you.
One of my lovely overseas friends sent me a wonderful email and in it she had written the words of this song


 After the Rain - Aaron Jeoffrey lyrics are:
I cover my heart
Turn from the wind
Button my coat
Here comes the storm again
What can I do but to trust in Him

'Cause I know the deeper my faith runs
The stronger I become
And the thunder, it may shake me
But I always know that¡¦

CHORUS:
After the rain
You can look to the sky again
The clouds will give way
To the light of the sun
After the rain
You know that you've made it through
And you'll finally see the joy from the pain
After the rain

Everyone needs
Everyone hurts
Everyone feels
The weight of the world sometimes
But don't let the wind sweep your heart away

'Cause even the roughest waters cleanse
So when they come again
Let them serve as a reminder
You can always know that¡¦


Chorus ;
Can't you see the hand of Jesus 
Reaching out for you
You never have to face the storm alone.


If you would like to hear it please click the link below
www.youtube.com/watch?v=W717Cra83qg&feature=related


How wonderful are those words - they really touched me.
This same friend had posted me this wall sticker which I have put onto a canvas !!
As she said though , the rain always stops and the sun does come out again.


Thank you all near and far for helping me see the sun !!!!!

And for a bit of a giggle my dad just sent me this ....

=================== 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3...

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses ..

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled backup to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

Joy will come in the morning ......

It is a cloudy overcast day here today.
There is a weird stillness in the air - or perhaps that is just reflective of my mood!

We are all somewhat sad in our household today. Gus our male goose died in the night from a paralysis tick! His poor mate has been calling for him all day and now she has settled next to the spot where he died - it is too sad.
My youngest daughter and I hugged each other and cried together this morning when we found him.
It is a sad thing in itself but to be honest it is another thing in our long list of recent challenges!!
Mum came out of hospital yesterday and is at home recouperating - she is still having the headaches but we are trusting that they will resolve over time as she takes the meds etc.
It has been so disappointing that her last month here she has been suffering the effects after our accident.
I have spent the last week going to radiotherapy and then up to the hospital to see mum - certainly not what was on the cards.

It is Breast Cancer awareness month internationally - there are adverts about raising funds, awareness etc. I had hoped to hold a fundraiser myself but just really can't manage that at the moment. I guess for people who know me - they already have an awareness.
 Pinkoktober has really brought home to me what I have and am facing. We watched a program the other week about 7 ladies and their fight against cancer and just how it had affected and changed their lives.
There are times that I still cant believe this journey that I'm on - our lives have been irreversabily changed and challenged. There are times when I hate the colour pink!!
It is amazing to think that it is 7 months since I was diagnosed - sometimes it feels like there is no end in sight.
At times I wonder whether there will be a day where I don't have to face the discomfort under my arm and chest from the surgery.
I wonder whether there will be a day when surviving breast cancer won't be at the forefront of my mind.
I wonder what life will be like after - what will I be like?
I know that good has come from this too - and I know now more than ever the importance and value of my family.
I am thankful that I have one.
I am also thankful for all the mums from school and family friends who have continued to feed our family - it has been such a blessing and encouragement.
I am thankful for all the cyber support.

I am just feeling worn out now - someone said to me yesterday that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Well I'm not sure I can handle anything more!!
My faith has sustained me this far and lifted me up from the darkness into the light, it has helped me fight the battlefield of the mind and it has given me hope.
I am praying now for a break - it is enough having to face one fight but they keep piling up!!
I am looking for the "joy to come in the morning"
A friend said they don't know how I have managed to keep a sense of humour in all of this - for me you have to see a funny side - but just now its not looking so funny.
Anyway I may have said it before but I know that although it is overcast and dull today - the sun has not moved away - it is still radiating behind the clouds with a warm and comforting glow.
I will keep my eyes searching for that sun so that I may feel the warmth on my face and the lightness in my spirit again.

Friday night in emergency - oh la la x

 Well this weekend we had had a few lovely invites for a bit of dinner and socialising !!
( I must just say that Friday started off with a parcel in the post - a  lovely friend had sent me the most exquisite flowers in a box! It made me tear up as I had been feeling quite weary with it all and it was such a timeous surprise and perfect boost for what was to unfold - I said to her that I thought she must have a heavenly connection as something from her always arrives at just the right moment!!)
So back to the story - I had been so looking forward to getting out this weekend as we have all been in a bit of a treatment cave and out of touch - it was to be mums last weekend so a few friends had wanted to say farewell.
I guess by now I really should always just be expecting the unexpected!!
Instead of socialising in friends homes - since friday evening I have been socialising in the hospital!!!!

The other twist to this tale is that I have been the visitor and not the patient this time!!!
Poor mum has been battling with headaches since our accident a few weeks back - I have blogged previously how we had it checked out and she was given the all clear. It seemed to go away a bit but the last few days was coming to the forefront again - without going into all the details - by Friday it was really not lifting. We had been invited to some friends on friday evening and we were on our way there but when we got there mum wasn't too great so as the local hospital was near by we thought best to go and get it checked as it was the start of the weekend!!
Well our adventure began!!
We didn't have to wait too long before being seen - but emergency was very busy - every bay had a patient in it and as soon as one was emptied another person would be wheeled in.
All sorts of drama was unfolding around us - a patient was shouting all sorts of obscenities amongs other things at the top of her voice for quite some time, the patient next to us was vomiting ten to the dozen and shouting too , another was relaying the story of how her partner was attempting to assault her , a young girl came in with a neck brace on - she had been in a car accident and she and her friend soon had the giggles etc etc.
And within all this the amazing ER staff managed to remain pleasant and polite!!!!
Mum was sent for some tests etc and was seen by a Dr who said they wanted to keep her overnight for observation.
We remained in the ER for quite some time - a wonderful nurse got me a chair, pillow and blanket so that I could relax next to mum while we waited to see if we were going upstairs!!
Well it was around  5 hours later that we went up to the ward.

On arrival a lovely nurse settled mum in whilst another made us a cup of tea each and gave mum some sandwiches.
Was a real blessing to be met with such thoughtfulness in the wee small hours of the morning!!
I didn't have my car - so was planning just to stay with mum until the morning as it was too late to get home - I had anticipated a night in a chair or patient lounge.
As it happened mum was put in a 2 bedded room and the ward was unable to accept any further patients that night so the nurse said I could lie on the bed until the morning.
I was so thankful - this turned out to be such a giggle!!
Once the admission was complete it was lights out - well I was on this bed and I really felt like it was moving!! I knew I was tired but didn't think I had lost my mind completely.
Every time I moved the bed readjusted itself underneath me - turns out it is a very fancy pressure mattress to prevent bedsores and the like !!
Well initially I have to say I felt a bit sea sick but soon settled - I didn't get much sleep but a few hours in between. Poor mum slept well which was great!!
I hopped out in the early morning and sat back in the chair!!

So Sat and Sun have been spent with trips to and from the hospital - they will probably do another scan tomorrow - mum is staying in as its the weekend and they have just been keeping her under observations.
We are hoping that after the scans tomorrow - she can come home. They are thinking that this is  an ongoing concussion from the accident and that it should self resolve in a few weeks. We will know for sure after tomorrow.
So as I said - we have socialised but not with the people we thought we would.
Not quite the last weekend we had in mind!!!

I am now in my own bed - feeling shattered !!! I am slightly apprehensive about saying lets see what tomorrow brings!! But I guess i just did.
The girls are back to school after their holidays and I am off to radiotherapy first thing to commence my week of zapping - after that it's anyones guess!!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
At this stage I think I can just about manage doggy paddle................

Time machine please .......

Well what a day it has been.

Today was my '3 weekly' trip to the hospital for my dose of IV herceptin at the oncology unit.
The girls were at a friends where they had their holiday moviethon - this holiday the theme was mermaids - so all was red and blue. Red as Aeriels hair and blue as the sea.
So mum and I headed off to hospital just the 2 of us. I was due to start at 9.30 but when we arrived the unit was very busy.
I was due to go to radiotherapy after for another zapping. When I hadn't been called in after 10 I had a feeling it would be one of those days!!
The staff were as friendly as ever but very busy and a few staff down.
I have been having some discomfort in my chest these last 2 weeks - I have attributed that to heartburn linked to the radiotherapy.
The staff wanted to doublecheck my heart just to be sure - so I had an ECG. There were a few problems in getting it set up but I am pleased to say that the results were fine and the Dr was happy to go ahead.
Unfortunately the first attempt at getting a line up was unsuccessful and extremely painful - so I was left with a heat pack on my arm .
Another staff member was called to give it another go - thankfully she is a whizz and she had success.
I was running so far behind by this stage that I had to phone radiotherapy to change my appointment to later in the day.
My appointment at oncology should have been about an hour - but instead I was there for about 3!!

It was then back in the car and off to get the girls. Miss C also had an appointment at the dentist at 3 so we were all going to head down to radiotherapy and then on to the dentist!!
My friend who had had them had tea and lunch waiting for us. What a blessing - so we munched it down and off we went again.

We were cutting it fine and on arriving I flew into the change room and through my strippy gown on as quickly as possible!!!
This is no 14 today so the rads chap noticed I wasn't my usual self and asked why I seemed a bit flustered today! I explained how my day was going so far and he said well at least here you can lie down and catch your breath. Haha he was right !!
So after catching my breath - it was out of the stripes and into my own clothes and back into the car and onto the dentist!!
Poor Miss C has  a wiggly tooth - this has allowed a bit of infection to get in underneath and her tooth was not coming out easily so we went to have it taken out!
When we went into the dentist she showed me how up above another tooth was breaking through the side of the gum as the baby tooth below was holding fast.
So it was recommended that it was removed also.
Oh my poor Miss C - 2 teeth out in one go.
Now if you know me you will appreciate that I do not enjoy going to the dentist at the best of times - and after the first part of the day my resolve was not great!!

Out came the happy gas - for Miss C - hmm I wouldn't have minded a few puffs hehe!!
The area was numbed and we were under way. Poor Miss C was quite upset about the whole business - I know that her resolve is also lower with all that is going on.
When the dentist asked me if she was usually this way or if it was more related to my breast cancer - that was me. I nodded and my eyes welled up with tears . Before long some had escaped down my cheeks - I was trying hard to hold it together to keep Miss C as calm as possible. The dentist was lovely and very soon all was done. Afterwards the dentist asked if I was okay - I laughed and said I had been fine until she had asked if  Miss C  was struggling with my diagnosis. We had a lovely chat and soon she and I both had teary eyes - I said we better sort ourselves out before going into the reception area or any patients waiting would not be staying long - they would all be running out the door seeing all of us with teary eyes!!!!
I was also very touched that she had seen past Miss C immediate response and recognised what was really affecting her.
So that was our last stop for the day.

I was very relieved to be climbing into the car and heading home!!
I was exhausted !!

So now the troops are in bed - as am I.
I must say that as nice as the medical people are that I come into regular contact with on this journey - there are days when you don't really want to be seeing them at all.
The surgeon had said right at the start that the next year will be more or less taken over by dealing with my diagnosis - he wasn't joking!!
Travelling in a time machine to the end of that would be pretty appealing right now!!

Well thankfully tomorrow is my last radiation of the week and I have 2 days zap free - yeeha!!
We are seeing a few friends over the weekend - mostly as they want to see mum before she goes back home.
This will be her last weekend with us - it doesn't bear thinking about really!!!
She has been an amazing support and comfort these last weeks and I am so thankful she has been able to be here at this time.

Just saw this and thought of you mum......

Your arms were always there when I needed a hug
Your heart understood when I needed a friend
Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson
Your strength and love have guided me and given me wings to fly !!

Love you mum x

The Circle of life !!

Well it isn't even lunch time and I have already had an ultrasound and my daily zapping!! Woo hoo !!
I almost had another accident on the way today - as I was driving a rather large spider flew onto my face!
EEEEEkkkkkkk!! I pulled over and jumped out of the car - passersby must have been wondering what this scarfheaded women was doing jiggling around on the road side!!!
I shook myself off in the hope he would dissappear outside the car - but no he was still there!!
After a few futile attempts to get him - I had no choice but to get back in the car and drive to my radiotherapy appointment!!
I had all the windows open - thinking that bustling air around me would keep him away.
Boy was I praying he didn't make a reappearence on my drive to my appointment. Thankfully he didnt - but I still dont know where he is hiding !!!

Yesterday we had a fun morning going to see the Lion King on the big screen. We saw it with a friend and her 2 littlies who are aged 4 and under. Too sweet to share a movie experience with them.
My eldest A was asked numerous questions about the movie during the movie ie why is it raining? why are they fighting etc !!! What a giggle .It will get her into practice for the future hehe !
Watching it always brings back memories of days spent in Africa - I loved living there! - there is something distinctly special about Africa and her people!



I guess I have been a bit reflective over these last days . We had lunch over the weekend with a very close friends family who are visiting other family here. It was such a treat to catch up and chat about days gone by.
Dont get me wrong we have a great life here and we have been so blessed in our current road. We have been overwhelmed by the continued kindness over these last months - the number of meals we have received has been incredible!!
We have however moved around quite a bit over the years and have had to say goodbye to many wonderful friends.
Somedays you just wish you could pop in for a cuppa and a chat - or even better have everyone together in the same place!!
The funny thing is that as I have been thinking of friends afar - just this week I have received 2 parcels in the post from overseas friends. They must have known hehe!!

Another lovely friend from the UK sent me this message yesterday.

My peace I leave with you
not as the world gives
My peace is with you , around you, before you and behind you
I am with you.

I found this so encouraging in a week where at times I have felt unsettled.
 Our Father has our heart and our peace is in and with Him.
He will remain our constant even when things change around us - be it from our own doing or by something beyond our control.

God has not promised sun without rain
joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day
rest for the labor, light for the way.
grace for the trials, help from above,
unfailing sympathy, undying love.
(Annie Johnson Flint)

A life filled with choices !!!

So the days are moving by and I am into my 2nd week of radiotherapy.
I have to be honest I am not enjoying the experience - I know that it is a means to an end and that every day is a step closer to the end - but I'd rather be doing something else with my days for sure!!
The sunburn't redness that is appearing on my skin could so easily be achieved by lying on a beach!!

In facing my breast cancer I have realised more than ever that life is a series of choices!
 We may not be able to control many things/circumstances but we always have a choice.
I am trying very hard to choose what is positive and focus on the good as much as possible!
I choose life.
I choose to have faith even when my body is failing me.
I choose not to be discouraged each passing day I put on my headscarf yet again.
I choose to be thankful that although I have lost my hair - my eyebrows and nails are still intact..
I choose to be thankful for friends who have stood by me even though the road is long!
I choose to trust God in my fight even when I hear of others losing theirs!

What do we choose when things don't go the way we think they should?
What do we choose when someone lets us down?
What do we choose when some friends become acquaintances ?
What do we choose when we feel alone?
What do we choose when things are going our way?

From the minute our eyes open we are faced with choices!!
Even though we want to make the right choice - in our selves we can get it wrong. I know I do !!!

There is a song that says
 You are my strength when I am weak
  A shelter in the storm
  A very present help
  When all my hope is gone
  My God is great !!!

Each day I open my eyes I am faced with my own weakness as I go through treatment for breast cancer and the side effects of that.
And yet even as I face the choices before me daily - these are made so much more managable when I choose to remember that my God is indeed great.
Infact my choices need to be a reflection of His choice - choosing me.
Even though I am weak - He is strong. He stands with open arms - welcoming me as His daughter. He chooses to love me unconditionally , He chooses never to give up on me even when I may appear to have given up on Him, He chooses to carry me when I feel I can go no further.
He chooses me - and He chooses YOU !!!

Our choices can be positive when from the start of our day we choose HIM remembering that indeed it was He who chose us first.
His love for us is all embracing - He wants us to be the best that we can be , He wants a relationship with us !
He wants us to choose Him and let every other choice flow on from that!!
For God so loved the world ...................
If all our choices where motivated out of Love - wow - what a different place our world would be!

I saw this clip recently which has particular relevance for me but in essence its about how love can see you through.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxIt70j_SPk
Martina McBride I'm going love you through it ..

I hope that you find it uplifting - love can make a difference !!!!

For more on being chosen go to
www.holleygerth.com/heart-to-heart-with-holley/2011/9/20/you-are-chosen.html