The Sea remains the Sea .........

Well it has been a couple of weeks since my last blog and I am sensing that this may be my last for a while.
I am now a seasoned traveller on this breast cancer rollercoaster - some seasons have been sweet and some sour.
My mum returned home over a week ago now and it goes without saying that I miss her !

These last months have been a whirlwind of happenings , breast cancer diagnosis, tests, hospital appts, mastectomy, chemotherapy , radiotherapy, specialist exams , visa applications to name a few.
It is been my desire to be as positive as I can be through each step of this road.
On the whole I have been managed to see humour at points along this road - thanks goodness for laughter.

There have of course been tears too - more recently as the pace has slowed down with treatments - I have found there have been more of those. I have found these last weeks a particular challenge.
I guess its part of the process - there has been loss.
Loss of hair , loss of breast , loss of health etc.
It has been an unexpected road with unexpected highs and lows with it.

The highs of endless meals arriving for my family , surprise packages arriving at just the right time in the post, encouraging cybermessages and love of friends and family.
Our lives will never be the same - and as I enter the next chapter of this treatment I know that this will be with me for the rest of my life.
One of the biggest effects of this has been on my beautiful daughters - they have had to deal with so much at such a young age .
Each one has 'handled' it in their own way - I am so thankful that we have been able to keep chatting and cuddling all the way through.
My youngest who has just turned 10 has had such a struggle this year and it has broken my heart to see her pain .
Sadly her school life has contributed to this and I know she is not without fault as she struggled to deal with the thought of me dying but you would find it hard to believe what has been said to her from her 'friends' and 'adults' in her world.
Anyway it is not to dwell on these things - we have to hold each other close and keep moving forward.
I have been amazed to see the strength of character she has shown for someone so young and how she continues to tenderly love me.
The head she was she worried to see without hair - she has been giving a daily kiss.

I have been so touched also at how God has met me in my lowest moments - it is at those times that a gift would arrive in the post , a friend would send a message.
Just this last week when I was feeling particularily low - a lovely friend from overseas sent me a text - it said - I was thinking of you this morning and felt to send this .
The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing

I cannot tell you what an impact that had on me to receive that on that day - needless to say there were more tears.
Just yesterday another friend told me of a picture she had for me and how I was to nestle into my heavenly Father and let Him carry me.
Just such an encouragement - I am not very good at resting but I know that I can't do this on my own.
I am so thankful that I have my faith so when I am faced with my own weakness and vulnerability I can be sure that He is strong!!
Now more than ever I am so aware of the power of love.
A kind word or gesture can have far reaching impact.
I am so thankful to all who have been reminded me of this and to have drawn my focus back onto God who is Love itself.
The same friend who sent me the above message sent me this which I think says it all.
I will leave you with this - although the future may remain uncertain and I have decisions to make - ONE remains certain.
I want to hold on to HIM tighter than ever before...................

 Henri JM Nouwen writes

Dear Lord
Today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh.
'Is it true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea?'

Lord you are the sea.
Although I may experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts in my inner life - You remain the same......
There are days of sadness and days of joy, there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude, there are moments of failure and moments of success , but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.
My only real temptation is to doubt your love.....
To remove myself from the healing radiance of your love.....
To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord sea of love and goodness.
Let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life - and let me know that there is ebb and flow ....... but the sea remains the sea.

Love Came Down ( click here to hear a song)

Thanks for joining me on this journey via this blog - til next time xx

The Circle of life !!

Well it isn't even lunch time and I have already had an ultrasound and my daily zapping!! Woo hoo !!
I almost had another accident on the way today - as I was driving a rather large spider flew onto my face!
EEEEEkkkkkkk!! I pulled over and jumped out of the car - passersby must have been wondering what this scarfheaded women was doing jiggling around on the road side!!!
I shook myself off in the hope he would dissappear outside the car - but no he was still there!!
After a few futile attempts to get him - I had no choice but to get back in the car and drive to my radiotherapy appointment!!
I had all the windows open - thinking that bustling air around me would keep him away.
Boy was I praying he didn't make a reappearence on my drive to my appointment. Thankfully he didnt - but I still dont know where he is hiding !!!

Yesterday we had a fun morning going to see the Lion King on the big screen. We saw it with a friend and her 2 littlies who are aged 4 and under. Too sweet to share a movie experience with them.
My eldest A was asked numerous questions about the movie during the movie ie why is it raining? why are they fighting etc !!! What a giggle .It will get her into practice for the future hehe !
Watching it always brings back memories of days spent in Africa - I loved living there! - there is something distinctly special about Africa and her people!



I guess I have been a bit reflective over these last days . We had lunch over the weekend with a very close friends family who are visiting other family here. It was such a treat to catch up and chat about days gone by.
Dont get me wrong we have a great life here and we have been so blessed in our current road. We have been overwhelmed by the continued kindness over these last months - the number of meals we have received has been incredible!!
We have however moved around quite a bit over the years and have had to say goodbye to many wonderful friends.
Somedays you just wish you could pop in for a cuppa and a chat - or even better have everyone together in the same place!!
The funny thing is that as I have been thinking of friends afar - just this week I have received 2 parcels in the post from overseas friends. They must have known hehe!!

Another lovely friend from the UK sent me this message yesterday.

My peace I leave with you
not as the world gives
My peace is with you , around you, before you and behind you
I am with you.

I found this so encouraging in a week where at times I have felt unsettled.
 Our Father has our heart and our peace is in and with Him.
He will remain our constant even when things change around us - be it from our own doing or by something beyond our control.

God has not promised sun without rain
joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day
rest for the labor, light for the way.
grace for the trials, help from above,
unfailing sympathy, undying love.
(Annie Johnson Flint)

A life filled with choices !!!

So the days are moving by and I am into my 2nd week of radiotherapy.
I have to be honest I am not enjoying the experience - I know that it is a means to an end and that every day is a step closer to the end - but I'd rather be doing something else with my days for sure!!
The sunburn't redness that is appearing on my skin could so easily be achieved by lying on a beach!!

In facing my breast cancer I have realised more than ever that life is a series of choices!
 We may not be able to control many things/circumstances but we always have a choice.
I am trying very hard to choose what is positive and focus on the good as much as possible!
I choose life.
I choose to have faith even when my body is failing me.
I choose not to be discouraged each passing day I put on my headscarf yet again.
I choose to be thankful that although I have lost my hair - my eyebrows and nails are still intact..
I choose to be thankful for friends who have stood by me even though the road is long!
I choose to trust God in my fight even when I hear of others losing theirs!

What do we choose when things don't go the way we think they should?
What do we choose when someone lets us down?
What do we choose when some friends become acquaintances ?
What do we choose when we feel alone?
What do we choose when things are going our way?

From the minute our eyes open we are faced with choices!!
Even though we want to make the right choice - in our selves we can get it wrong. I know I do !!!

There is a song that says
 You are my strength when I am weak
  A shelter in the storm
  A very present help
  When all my hope is gone
  My God is great !!!

Each day I open my eyes I am faced with my own weakness as I go through treatment for breast cancer and the side effects of that.
And yet even as I face the choices before me daily - these are made so much more managable when I choose to remember that my God is indeed great.
Infact my choices need to be a reflection of His choice - choosing me.
Even though I am weak - He is strong. He stands with open arms - welcoming me as His daughter. He chooses to love me unconditionally , He chooses never to give up on me even when I may appear to have given up on Him, He chooses to carry me when I feel I can go no further.
He chooses me - and He chooses YOU !!!

Our choices can be positive when from the start of our day we choose HIM remembering that indeed it was He who chose us first.
His love for us is all embracing - He wants us to be the best that we can be , He wants a relationship with us !
He wants us to choose Him and let every other choice flow on from that!!
For God so loved the world ...................
If all our choices where motivated out of Love - wow - what a different place our world would be!

I saw this clip recently which has particular relevance for me but in essence its about how love can see you through.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxIt70j_SPk
Martina McBride I'm going love you through it ..

I hope that you find it uplifting - love can make a difference !!!!

For more on being chosen go to
www.holleygerth.com/heart-to-heart-with-holley/2011/9/20/you-are-chosen.html