Its raining - its pouring!!!

Okay so I was going to write this earlier but we have had a bit of excitement since then!!
Earlier this evening we took our youngest daughter to the drs as she had burnt herself quite badly over a large area on her chest!
I had put some green beans in a microwave steamer and while I was outside - the microwave beeped and Miss C thought she would take the steamer out of the microwave .
Needless to say it was extremely hot and she lost her grip and steam and boiling water flowed down her chest!
Unfortunately she was just in a little tank top which offered no protection over her skin!
My mum called me in to find Miss C - skin already lifted off in an area and redness all over. I turned on the shower to cold and placed her under in attempt to cool her skin and then we wrapped an extralarge iceblock in a pillowslip to hold on as we went to the surgery.
She was crying in pain but in such a controlled way - I was amazed - having burnt my finger on steam in the past I know how painful that was - so could only imagine how excrutiating a large chest area burn must be!!

Our Drs rooms are open to 7pm so thankfully we avoided going to the hospital emergency.
They took us into the rooms straight away and in no time the Dr on duty was there to see us!
Poor Miss C was in a lot of pain - he said the nurse needed to keep area cooled with sterile water so IV bags were opened and emptied onto C and then onto sterile towels which were laid across her chest and the nurse kept them moist by emptying the IV bags onto them.
She was so incredibly brave - not once did she scream or shout - just kept saying how much it was burning when they stopped pouring on the water!
They kept it going over about half an hour in an attempt to cool the skin - it worked very well and I think we went through a number of litres .
C was lying on towels - soon the water was flowing through the bed and forming a large puddle on the floor!
I was feeling a bit light headed in all of this so had to ask for a chair to sit down. Still battling after effects of the chemo so all fun and games!!

Well once the skin was cooled enough - the wounds were dressed with what described as cupcake icing!! Dressings were secured and we were good to go. The Dr ordered some stronger pain meds and we are to return tomorrow for a check and redress.
The nurses and Drs were so lovely and kind - so we were well looked after!!
So back home we went - the girls had been wanting to watch the start of the new season of the Xfactor.
It had already started by the time we got home - but we got Miss c settled comfortably on the chaise and she managed a bit of dinner and then after watching a bit of the singing it was into bed!
I have given her some more pain killers so hopefully she will manage to sleep through the night!!
Thankfully my mum is still here so Miss A was able to stay at home with her and Miss C is in bed next to Nanny tonight!!

Honestly what a day - just when you feel your reserves are on empty - something else happens to stretch you even more.
I had already been feeling a bit weary today - somedays you just don't want to think about breast cancer treatments , side effects etc. Somedays you don't want to look in the mirror and see a bald headed person looking back at you, somedays you just want to walk in the shops without a headcovering , somedays you just want get dressed without having to have to think carefully as you choose you clothes !!!
And then when you are tired of being tired something happens to show you that somewhere inside there is still strength to forge ahead!!

Yesterday we heard a wonderful preach about holding on in times of struggle - the words were so relevant to our circumstances! We are still facing challenges on a few different fronts yet we keep going!
Lamentations 3vs 29 there may yet be hope ...

Life will never be the same - we are learning to dance in the rain over and over again- even if at times the dancing is a bit shakey!!
It is still funny though how you can be feeling refreshed one day and then weary the next.
Well I am still amazed at our ability to go on - haha we were saying this craziness has become our new norm!!

So just keep swimming, just keep swimming remains our theme song.
However I must say that floating does have its appeal .........

Out and About !!!!!

Well each day that passes this week I am thankful and joyful to leave the chemo train behind !!! What a relief!!
I am still dealing with some after effects but all good as it will be their last innings with me - yeha!!!!

I feel as if there is so much to share I'm not quite sure where to start ! My mind and body have been busy!!
I surfaced out of the haze around lunchtime on Monday and am not looking back!!
I shall come back to the last few days but today I went OUT !!!! Yes I left the farm to see life beyond hehe!!
Mum and I had been talking with a friend about going to see the movie called The Help! I won't tell you too many details except to say see it!!
We were thinking of maybe going next week and yesterday I was just looking to see when it started when I saw that it was advertised to screen today in the morning - one screening in 2 cinemas at the same time at a very discounted price.
I thought this must have been a special prescreen deal!
Never one to miss an opportunity - thought we should try and go! I wasn't sure how I would be today but thought worst case my mum and friend could go alone and I would give it a miss.
I had been managing most of my side effects so far - the worst being another welt type itchy rash along my spine from the back of my head to the end of my back - very weird and annoying. But nothing an antihistimine didn't help at least!!
So I went online and booked the tickets - we were all set!!

Well what a giggle - later last night I was flicking through our local paper and just happened to see the movie adverts and saw that todays screening of The Help was infact a special seniors morning and it indeed included free morning tea for viewers!! It also said members could bring up to 4 guests. Hmm so I had just unwittingly gatecrashed a senior citizens event!!! The strange thing was that I hadn't seen anything about this on the online booking and it certainly hadn't stopped me buying the tickets!!! Then again with my chemo brain who knows - last month I paid the incorrect electricity provider a rather large sum of money!! Thankfully they paid it back! The worst part is that I clearily remember checking that I was doing it RIGHT!!! So much for that !!
Anyway back to the movies!! I was sure they wouldn't boot out a scarf clad baldie who had made an honest mistake but thought I should investigate further!
I looked up the senior card info and it was for people over 60 and offered all sorts of discounts etc!!
Well the problem was easily resolved - we just signed mum up online for that and we were ready. I could be the guest!!
So this morning arrived - I was still feeling tired but was looking forward to getting out!! Thought I could manage just sitting in the cinema!!
Well we arrived just on time - there had been a few dramas and tears before leaving home - all mine - nothing serious just a bit emotional.
We met our lovely friend and in we went to collect the tickets!

The morning tea was long since over - large tables with trays of food were still standing etc. We entered our cinema and there in front was a lady talking to the audience about all sorts of shopping info etc.
It was full - so much for staying away from crowds hehe!! We took our seats amongst the many and next seat numbers were being called and prizes given away - not your average movie screening for sure!!
All quite an experience!!
The movie didn't start at the scheduled time so we only ended up getting out after lunchtime!
It was an incredible story set in Mississippii - days of Martin Luther King - racial divide between' whites and colored '
The story is about an aspiring writer who wants to tell the story of 'The Help' from the maids perspective!
A tremendous movie that takes you through many emotions - I was thankful I had packed my tissues!!

I was feeling a bit shaky after so needed something to eat - we did that then headed home. It had been great to be distracted from my sideeffects and I was glad I had made the effort to go.
My legs are aching tonight and I am having weird tinglings again in my arms and legs etc - but it is worth it!!!

So there we are - a day full of unexpected delights!!
I haven't touched on the deeper aspects of the mind but since mine isn't firing well on all cylinders tonight I shall save that for another blog!!!!

Yabadabadoo - bye bye chemo bye bye!!!!!!!!

Well tonight the reality of not having to do chemo again is beginning to hit and it feels gooood!!!!!

Yesterday was long and painful as expected - the minutes seem as hours and  unfortunately every thought is for that day to be over!!
I had to keep telling myself that this is the last one!! Along with the physical struggle comes an emotional one each time - and even though you know its coming it doesn't make it an easier! My poor mum had to witness it all this time - her gentle care brought me to tears! I have been so focussed on getting through but having her here at home with us in the worst bits looking after us - just reminded me how vulnerable it all makes you and how thankful I am for her support!
The weather has taken a turn - heavy rain and strong winds so bed isn't such a bad place to be - although when you are forced to be there its not always where you want to be!!
I find my mind full of contemplating on these days and more than ever realise that we really cannot control what life deals us but we can control how we deal with life!!
This is certainly the greatest challenge as sometimes we would prefer a different hand - but nevertheless we have to face the hand we are dealt!!
So the longest day came to an end and today I feel like the chemo cloud is lifting once more.
I cannot relay how amazing that feeling is - even though as usual there will be other side effects to face in the days ahead - nothing is like the dark tunnel and slippy slope to yesterday!!!

So mum and I had a rather relaxing day - a lovely friend braved the wind and rain to drop off a meal for us on the way to school - I was in bed most of the morning and only ventured out later to watch a bit of tv. Mum was going to drive to school to get the girls but my car battery decided to die so our faithful friend B came to the rescue.
She lives a bit away from us but has been so amazing in wanting to help me and the family - taking the girls each week to do a grocery shop amongst other things - I shall be eternally grateful for her willingness to be there for us!!
And so before long, today too has passed!!
Not to wish ones life away - as I now know more than ever to make the most of what we have been given but I am so glad that these last few days are behind me now and I look forward to feeling a bit better in the days ahead!!

I can now sing in a loud voice - Bye bye chemo bye bye !!!!! What a great song !!!!!!!

The words of WB Yeats have been echoing in my head so thought I'd share with you.

The trees are in their autumn beauty,
The woodland paths are dry
Under the October twilight the water
Mirrors a still sky
Upon the brimming water among the stones
Are nine-and-fifty swans.

The nineteenth autumn has come upon me
Since I first made my count;
I saw, before I had well finished,
All suddenly mount
And scatter wheeling in great broken rings
Upon their clamorous wings

I have looked upon those brilliant creatures,
And now my heart is sore
Alls changed since I, hearing at twilight,
The first time on this shore,
The bell-beat of their wings above my head,
Trod with a lighter tread

Unwearied still, lover by lover
They paddle in the cold
Companionable streams or climb in the air;
Their hearts have not grown old;
Passion or conquest, wander where they will,
Attend upon them still.

But now they drift on the still water,
Mysterious, beautiful;
Among what rushes will they build,
By what lakes edge or pool
Delight mens eyes when I awake some day
To find they have flown away?

Chemotherapy No 4 !!! It is done ....

Well it is Saturday and chemo no 4 is done.
I can hardly believe that the chemo train has come to an end at last.
It is quite strange - I had expected to feel more happy about that but so far just a bit underwhelmed!! I think that it is just a case of getting through the after effects and also I guess for me there is still more to come. I still have 28 doses of radiation to get through and another 8 months of herceptin!! And 5 years of hormone treatment !!
However having said all that I will be delighted not to have to sit in the chemo unit for another 7 hour stretch being pumped full of toxic drugs - yeha !!!!!!!!!!
There is also the prospect of having my hair grow back and hopefully a bit more energy ! Although apparently for every week of radiation one is to expect a month of fatigue!!

Anyway - so happy to have the chemo done - for sure.
It has been such an amazing boost to have my mum here. She is such a blessing and encouragement to us. Not sure how I am going to let her go!!
Today I am just recovering , B and mum have planted tomatoes and roses , fed and walked the goats , watered the cows , etc etc..
I so love being here on this farm - I know I have said it before but it is so good for the soul and I really cant imagine living anywhere else!!
We have kept in contact with the people we bought the farm from and they are a wonderful couple. L the husband came this week and slashed all around the tricky parts on the property to help us out with all that is going on. Such a kind and generous heart - we are so thankful.

Yesterday a lovely friend popped up to drop off a meal - we have been overwhelmed by those who have continued to stand by us on this lengthy road.
I will have to brush up on my cooking skills with all the lovely meals we have been getting!!
Well I am afraid I am a bit weary today but thought I'd just update that I am alive and kicking - okay maybe not quite kicking yet - more like a shuffle!!!!

Oh I must just share a funny tale with you quickly before I conk out!!
I have been very spoilt with regular surprise pressies through the post from a very thoughtful friend. This last gift was a gorgeous bottle of MooGoo moisturiser!!
When I was at the radiologist - the girls stayed with my mum. Miss C decided to have some cake - seeing the cream nearby she thought that would go well with her cake. There she was squeezing out my divine cream onto her plate when my mum came to the rescue!! Thank goodness - they both ended up in a fit of giggles as my mum told her that was body cream not fresh cream. When I got home Miss C relayed the story to me giggling once more - she very apologetically said but mum it did say Full cream on it and there was a picture of a cow on it!!!
Never a dull moment. Needless to say the Moo Cream is now far from the kitchen counter and safely hidden in my room!!!

A friend gave me a card this week that said .

Hope is a seed God plants in our hearts to remind us there are better things ahead!!
I am thankful for that hope and am surely looking forward to the good things in the days to come!!

Radiotherapy on the horizon !!

Okay so I know I've said it before - but today I would quite like to exchange my rollarcoaster ticket for a different ride altogether!!
I had my appointment with the oncologist this morning and will be on my way shortly to see the radiooncologist to discuss my radiotherapy!
It is always very confronting doing the hospital visits - just brings back home the fight you are in!!
Mum came with me this morning which was wonderful and b will meet me at the next appointment this afternoon.
To be honest I just feel like curling into bed and giving it all a miss. It is funny how your feelings sneak up and get you - i should be feeling really happy that Thursday will be the last chemo and yet my mind is full of what comes after that!!
Sadly chemo is only part of this treatment road. Today the oncologist discussed what happens after radiotherapy - beginning on the tablet i will take for 5 years , continuing with the Herceptin etc!!
I was asked how my bones and teeth were as the tablet can weaken both and then I could end up with oesteonecrosis of the jaw. woopdeedoo!!!
I was advised to go the dentist and have any work done before starting the treatment - so somewhere inbetween 35 doses of radiotherapy I now need an overhaul from the dentist!!
Sadly my teeth have never been very strong and those of you who know me - know how much I love the dentist!!! NOT !!!!
He also referred me to cardiac investigations for another echo to check the herceptin isn't having any negative effects on my heart!
So this rollercoaster continues - the twists and turns unpredictable as ever!!

Overall I manage to remain positive but there are days when you would just love to wake up and look in the mirror and not see a bald person looking back at you.
I know that after this chemo in a few months hopefully my hair will have returned ! I also know that no hair is a small price to pay for no cancer and yet some days it would be nice not to have to rationalise that way!
It is such a treat having my mum here - I am so glad she was able to come - there is still a road ahead. I am thankful that I have the pathology I have don't get me wrong - I know there are many women fighting a greater battle than I am !!

Well quite a few hours have passed since I started this blog - I have just returned from a lovely bite to eat with my husband. actually prior to that we had an appointment to discuss the radiation side of things. b and I sat before the appointment talking about how unreal this all was. Funny thing is that  having chemo has become such a normal part of our lives that as bizarre as it sounds you can almost put aside why you are having it as your energy is focussed on just getting through it.
Today has brought back the reality of what we are dealing with.
We had a good chat re radiation treatment - and it looks like it is all systems go. I heard how I will most likely burn and blister - have to have permanent tatoos to mark the radiation field, how my lung tissue will be affected and so on. I do however have faith in the radiooncologist that we saw and am entrusting my radiotherapy to him now.  It will all start at the beginning of September - just need a few weeks to get over the chemo and we are onto the next chapter!!
I felt quite teary on leaving the radio oncologist - no particular reason - just another part of this journey.
B had to return to work but it wouldn't be long until he was finishing so we opted to meet up for a cuppa when he was finished.
I headed to the local shopping mall to lift my spirits with some retail therapy while I waited.
The girls were at home with my mum - so I called to let them know of our plans and my lovely mum said don't rush back why dont you have a bite to eat as well!
I can't remember the last time b and I had a date by ourselves so this was a treat.
We went to the local surf club and had dinner and a glass of bubbly - I was still feeling shattered so we didnt stay long and it was a very early meal but nevertheless was a great way to end what had been a pretty wearing day!! We watched the sun go down over the sea and it was wonderful.

So now I am in my bed ready to conk out - I have my tablets next to the bed to remind me to take them tomorrow. My pre chemo regime begins !! Off to have bloods taken tomorrow and I will be set for Thursday!

I must just say that when I went to the shops to wait for B a lovely friend from overseas sent me a text message!!
To receive this message when it came through was amazing !
It said "Hi read this and thought of you - My presence will go with you overshadowing you , giving you strength in your weakness, being all that you ask of me, carrying you . Just felt to send this to you to encourage you "
This dear friend did not know just how I was feeling at that time and to receive that text was such an encouragement!!
How wonderful to know that our heavenly Father has us by the hand......

Throw a starfish !!!!!

Yesterday was the girls school carnival. They were desperate for me to go with them - so I did. Mum and I took them to enjoy all the fun of the fair. I was tired before we even got there - so spent the time moving from seat to seat watching as our youngest went on all manner of stomach churning rides!!
They had a great time on all the rides , sugarloading with show bags etc. it was great to see them having fun.
Today however I am paying the price for being out and about!! The fatigue is quite consuming at the moment - i feel as if the life has been sucked out of me.
I spent most of the day lying on my bed and the sofa - just unable to action anything at all today. The girls were tired too from yesterdays activities so we just relaxed at home.
Miss C got a second wind of course but the joy of living on acerage is she had a great time starting a treehouse and B put in some steps for easier access!! She was delighted!!
On the way to the fair yesterday Miss c said to my mum "I am so glad this week is mummys last chemo!!'
Chokes you up to hear that - she is such a tender hearted child. I am so proud of her and her sister - the way they are walking through this with us. It has been a tough road with unexpected twists and turns along the way- it has been a relief to see Miss C more like her old self . She has had to face challenges at 9 in these last months that even we as adults find difficult - and yet even in the midst of this she has come through.
Her older sister amazes me how much she is growing up - 13 and yet so mature and wise in her outlook on life!!

This afternoon we watched the movie Living Proof. It is a movie about the discovery and development of Herceptin. I had seen it before being diagnosed with breast cancer - but it was quite different watching it today now that I am actually on that drug myself!!
What an incredible story of 1 mans perserverance and belief in a new way to treat breast cancer. It was 12 years before the drug was developed and then approved by the FDA. interestingly enough it was Revlon that donated over $2 million to fund Dr. Slamons research and has since helped raise over $65 million to aid and support Breast cancer research. Makes you want to run out and buy their products doesnt it!!
Now Herceptin is saving women all over the world who previously had no hope of any other option!
I found myself sobbing through near the end - just touched so deeply how this  man Dennis Slamon sacrificed so much of his own life so that he could make a difference in the lives of so many women - quite inspiring!
It reminded me of that tale of the starfish.

A man was waking along a beach and saw 100's of starfish that had been washed up on the beach. further ahead he saw a young boy throwing starfish back into the sea one by one.
As the man approached the boy he said to him. 'What are you doing? '
 The boy said ' I am trying to save them so I am throwing them back into the sea!'
The man replied ' There are so many - it is an impossible job - what difference is it going to make if you save 1 or 2!'
The boy replied " it will to the starfish that is saved!'

I am not sure that I have recalled this story correctly but I hope that you get the jist!
One person can make a difference - even if it only affects one other surely it is worth it!! Or perhaps it will affect 1000's like Dr Dennis Slamon.
We all have the ability to do something positive in our world - isn't that exciting that we can make that difference!
Go for it !!!

Living Proof Movie Clip

Give me sleep !!!!!

Well here I am again. I have to say I am feeling so tired my brain is not firing on all cylinders!! the side effects have certainly been much less of a worry this time around but the tiredness is quite overwhelming!!
Not sure if its all to do with my treatment or the noisy visitor that crashes  on our tin roof in the wee small hours of the morning and then scurreys around in the roofspace!
Yes we have a possum who has made a second home in our roof - he hunts at night and then lands with a thud to sleep in the day!!
As nice as it is to commune with our wildlife- being woken every night and having broken sleep is not so nice!
This has been going on for quite some time now - so we decided action was needed!
I called the possum man!!
His job is to identify entry points and then seal them up!!
He also sets a trap in the roof space to catch the unsuspecting possum - a cage with trap door and apple!!
So all was sealed over 2 days and the trap was set.
We were just about to sit down to dinner when we heard an almighty crash - we peaked through our loft door to see the trap and there were 2 large eyes staring back.
Poor little thing - he must have got quite a shock!!
So b took him down and we carried the cage outside and released him into the dark night!!
The theory is that now all entry points are sealed - he shouldn't be able to get back in!!! Tonight we shall see !!

This week has passed very quickly - it is wonderful having my mum here but she is still trying to overcome her jetlag - so we have both been resting together!!
We did pop into one of our local shops earlier in the week together to return something. I have been going to this shop over the last few years so you get to know the sales ladies. The lady who served us was so lovely! She asked about my hairloss and I explained about the breast cancer etc. She said she hadn't seen me in the shop for ages and now seeing me with the headscarf said she felt quite teary knowing what had been happening to me!! She had been concerned about her regular customer!! I said I appreciated her caring and also her actually chatting and talking to me normally!
I hesitated telling B about this as not sure knowing that the sales ladies at our local shopping centre had missed seeing me was a good thing hehe .
Needless to say he thought it was somewhat worrying that the shop assistants were missing me!!
What a giggle ! In my defense it is a small community here and I have been going to the shop for a number of years !! Well thats my story and I'm sticking to it!!

So only a few days to go to dday - I am dreading and looking forward to the day !
Have numerous appointments the few days before so no doubt it will come around quickly and then I can celebrate putting the chemo on the back burner!!
Have an appointment next week to discuss the radiation treatment in more detail - so will see what the next chapter holds!

Tomorrow the girls school has the annual fundraising fair! They are very excited and there are many rides etc so I am going to attempt to go for a bit . I am not sure how long I will last but feel I need to be part of it for the girls.
It may be a short visit on my part !
Well I am almost falling asleep on this keyboard so I better finish before I delete it all by mistake!!
Have a great weekend!!