Taxotere time out please !!!!!

Well the rollarcoaster continues.

Today I would just love a time-out! The taxotere is doing its thing - I am achey and feeling yuck. Had a restless sleep last night and have to be honest have woken up today feeling a bit teary and flat.
I know that the drugs are contributing to this but this morning it would have been nice to wake up without discomfort or side effects.
To look in the mirror and see something other than this strange looking skin head with a dodgy bod!!
Its just funny how one day you are travelling fine and then the next the road feels that much longer.

Had a very restful day yesterday - was feeling a bit peeky but ended up braving a visit to the lady I met at the Look Good Feel Good program.
We had reconnected at chemo on Thursday and she had suggested that we see how we both were feeling on saturday afternoon - all going well we could pop over for tea and scones! They live about 5mins from us!
I wasn't really feeling like going out but thought it would be worth trying to make the effort - so we all headed over in the afternoon.
I donned my headscarf on its first outing - felt a bit weird but at least I was seeing someone who would have a headcovering of her own!!
We had a lovely time but didn't stay long at all - we were all home again within the hour !!
It was good to get a bit of fresh air but I just crashed into bed when we got home - I don't think my body really was up to the activity.
Activity haha - lifting a cup from the table to my lips - pretty sad that that is exhausting!!

So today I will be lying very low - am still in bed infact - just not feeling right today at all. Need to give the old body a chance to recover .
At least the sun is shining and the sweet bird song is filtering in through my window.
B and the girls are heading out to the shops so I shall have a snooze until they return.

My beautiful mum sent this to me

I stand in awe of your power Lord and newly encouraged that you who set the boundaries of the sea have also set the boundaries of my life.
The raging waters may roll against me
They cannot prevail
They may roar but they cannot cross the boundaries established by my God.

There is comfort in that ........

Be bald , be strong ..

Well it is Day 2 after the chemo and to be honest I am feeling shattered!!

The girls and B have gone out to the shops and I am chillaxing in my bed with my friendly laptop.
Spirits are high in our home today as last night we found out that B passed his exam - yabadabadooo!!!
We could do with some good news.
There was great dancing and merriment here last night - our future here is sealed! What a relief - we can really get rooted down now - there is still the matter of the visa but now hopefully that will just fall into place!!
I have always believed this was to be our forever home and am so glad it will be so!! I can start looking at redoing my kitchen at last!!! hehe x

Yesterday I just relaxed in bed most of the morning before the girls came home from their sleepover - they arrived back happy and tired!!
Although I was feeling a bit wrecked my moulting head had been driving me bananas - hair everywhere and was looking really patchy and horrible. So I texted my hairdresser to see if she could fit me in for a shave!!
Our lovely friend Barbs was dropping off dinner for us and I asked her if I was able to get an appointment if she could take me ! When I mentioned this to the girls on coming home - poor C just burst into tears and clung to me so tightly - this was a big thing for her to face!! Miss A didnt look very happy either but it just had to be done.

Well Barbs arrived - looking as gorgeous as ever and lifted the mood as we waited to hear whether I could go - we just lay on my bed relaxing in the meantime. I was just dozing off when I had the call to say all was good!
My hairdresser is a lovely lady who runs her business from home and she wasn't even working yesterday and just made a plan for me.
I was feeling rather weary but just desperate to get it done - so Barbs loaded us all in and we were off!
The girls were very sombre in the car - so hard for them !!
I was wearing my beany and then before long - the shaver was on and we were away . C even had a go and offered to sweep up all the cuttings.
I reassured her that I wasn't like Samson - where all my strength was in my hair!! Here's hoping not anyway!!!
Lets be honest - it doesnt look great as it isn't all even and smooth as the area were hair has been and gone are different to the others!! But I knew it was the right thing to do. The girls wanted me to put the beany back on - so that was that.
I felt a bit teary on leaving the salon - but really more a sense of relief!!

We headed home once more and I was looking forward to getting back!
It was quite late when we got back and B was already there - the results were to be posted on the internet from 5pm.
It all worked out really well - as the girls were pretty down on coming home after the shaving but once Dad was whooping and booging with joy - the atmosphere changed for the good!
We popped a bottle of bubbly and thankfully Barbs was there as I couldn't have any - so we all cheered and enjoyed the great significance of the moment!!!
This day set the course for the rest to come!!
Home sweet home - the pilgrims really can rest!!

So today I am hoping to regain a bit of strength - will just lie low and enjoy the farm surroundings and gentle winter sun.
There really is so much to look forward  to - and I intend to be there to enjoy it .............

Chemotherapy No 2 - what a day!!!

Well my bed has never felt so good!!!
I am feeling absolutely shattered but thought I would attempt to blog as things were still fresh in my mind as I am unsure what tomorrow will bring.
So forgive me in advance if you end up reading a lot of gobbledygook!!!

I am home after a marathon session at chemo today.
The day before you have to take steroids to help with the side effects that may arise from the chemo - however these drugs have side effects of their own. They keep you awake!!! So although I really needed to sleep last night I was still awake at 4.45 this morning - not the best start - especially with how things turned out today - but am home and happy to have got no2 done!! Yeah.

It is still school holidays here - a friend had offered to have the girls today so the plan was they would go for the morning and be home after lunch as I expected to be in by 10 and out by 1pm - how wrong was I.
I was in by 10 but only ended leaving at 6 pm!! In fact I was the last patient there - the chair next to me had seen 3 people pass through whilst I sat and sat and sat!!
All started off pretty well - my friend jen took me - we arrived on time where taken in - the IV although painful was inserted without a problem - the line ran well and thank God lasted all through the 8 hours of drama!!!!
The first step is to flush the line and then iv antinausea and then the big guns - doxytaxel!!!
On the other side of the room - the staff had rushed over to assist with a lady who had an adverse reaction to one of her drugs - she was sorted out - and I did have a sneaky feeling that I should anticipate a bit of action too. Listen to that still quiet voice.
A very nice dr was on duty and reported that he was happy with my cell count and I was good to go. B had popped down from work so jen went to do a few jobs get a coffee and come back.
Well she missed the highlight hehe!!
Literally as the taxotere began coursing through my veins my face went red like a hot poker , I came out in a rash and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest!!
The staff were amazing - fast and so efficent - the Dr had been tangling around to see how I would respond - so he was there in a flash. The drip was stopped instantly, I was given hydrocortisone and pheregen IV and soon al began to settle - took my breath away but all settled well. So then we had to wait for 30 mins for me to recover and then they were going to "challenge me again" in there words - this time the drip rate would be set very much slower and gradually increased over time.
During this I also wear the fabulous icemitts which are so freezing - your fingers are sore and like ice - but all worth preventing losing your nails.
I was monitored very closer with lots of people coming by to check how I was feeling. Such lovely Drs and nurses there today!!
Poor Jen got quite a fright when she walked in as it had all literally just happened when she walked back in - she couldnt believe it and was so glad that B had been with me!!

So that was drug no 1. After that flushed again and set up the next one!!
One would have hoped this one would be fine - haha - well I was on a roll .
As soon as this one went in my eyes began to itch and get sore and scratchy - at first i thought I just had something in my eye but no it just kept getting worse -so once again all came to a standstill and they called for the Dr.
They just weren't sure if this was going to progress to something equally as exciting as the first drug. My consultant was seeing another patient so they were waiting to chat through the details with him - in the interim I believe a lot of googling was going on re this particular side effect as they hadn't actually had that happen with anyone before - it had to be me !!!!!
The Dr who had checked me in orderd some eye drops from the pharmacy to bring some relief and quite a while later the consultant came we had a chat - I said I could manage wsnt feeling to much else so the plan was to run it a lot slower and she how we went!!
So off we went again - jen popped the eye drops in for me - all went okay - I did get more sinussy symtoms but nothing too bad and weirdly an indigestion. But I pushed through and we made it to the end.

It was also amazing as when I went to the Look Good Feel Good program I met a lovely lady that I really clicked with - we havent had contact since - but who should walk in for her last chemo - my friend.
What are the chances - we are definitely meant to get together. Unbeknown to me she had actually sent me a text but I hadnt received it - I met her hubby and we had a great chat - and are all planning to get together soon. Just great!

So as people were coming and going I was still sitting. The girls were with my friend and her girlies at the movies and as I said I had been hoping to be home by 1.30. Thankfully I had given her a key so they were able just to come hom to the farm and hang out together.
Jen had also offered to have the girls over for a Shrek marathon and sleepover. They had a Barbie marathon a few weeks back where it was all pink adn girlie - well tonight the theme was green and brown. Ab had spent yesterday making choccie cupcakes with green icing , handmade choccies in green mini cupcake papers amongst other things. Green and brown clothed were packed - what fun!!
Jen left me close to 5 to go and relieve poor Jodes from her shift - so thank you lovely ladies for just jumping in !!!
B had finished work so he came and sat with me for the remainer of the time - the nurses were so sweet and very sympathetic that I was ending up spending my entire day there!
The 3rd rug was initially to be run over half an hour but considering the track record of my day - they thought best to ease me in gently - so another hour for me!!!

They were cleaning all the beds around me etc as I waited - the chemo unit closes at 6 - so I was just going to make it!!!
When the last drop of Herceptin was in - i had my shoes on , my bag dusted off and ready to jump off that bed after the final flush!!
And I did!!!

I had left my car at Jens so b drove us there to pick it up which worked out well as I could say goodnight to my beautiful girls as I hadnt seen them all day and was good to reassure them that all is okay.
After a quick cuddle and a few I love yous I was off as I didnt know how long I could function for.
They were all happy dressed in their green and browns and tucking into hot chips!!
B had picked up some takeaways for us - so food and bed for me!!

So we will see what tomorrow brings - I am so full of drugs and steroids I am really hoping that I will sleep as I am exhausted but the nurse did say they may keep me awake - and I have managed to type this so hoping thats not a bad sign!!!!
Am sure I will just snooze tomorrow in any case - so all good.
Infact even despite todays dramas I am feeling good and positive - I am almost half way through the chemo part at least - I reconnected with an new friend and was mightly helped by 2 old ones!! The staff at the hospital were supportive and caring - I left with a bag full of prescription meds to attack the side effects - so here goes!!!

And yes my hair is going mightly too - had to wear a hat today as my bald patches are really showing - but hey I cant complain - it will come back and my skin regime has never been so thorough!!!

Til next time peeps - am hopefully off for some much needed sleep !!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Its raining hair !!!!!

Well it is a very quiet night here at home tonight.
Granny and Grandpa flew back home today , C is at a friends for dinner after a day of fun and movies and B is at a work meeting.
So A and I are holding the fort.

I can hardly believe that on Thursday I am going for my next chemo cocktail - a strawberry daiquiri would go down a lot better!!!
In any event as I said to a friend today I have to keep thinking about the big picture and not focus on the here and now too much!
I have been feeling a bit flat this last week - I think the reality of starting the side effect road from the start again does not put a bounce in my step!! You just begin to feel you are poking your head up above the chemo haze and then its time to start again.
My hair has been falling out for the last week and I am getting decidedly thin on top - I had contemplated shaving off the reminder but at the rate its falling by the time I get an appointment it will all be gone Im sure.
I am worse than a moulting retriever - hair everywhere I go !
I have been twisting headscarves on my head , trying on hats etc - much to my family's delight - not.
I have had comments such as - I think that looks like a tea cosy?
You could be an old fashioned maid servant - and then some very quiet looks as I waft about in another head contraption.
I am thinking bald may just be the way to go - will see - am awaiting a few scarves I have ordered - lets hope they look a bit better!
I have been trying to use a bit of hair product to add volume to a rather thin head of hair - well that backfires as when I put the product through with my fingers - my hands are full of more hair yet again - kind of defeats the point!!

It was off to the oncology department again today to give me the once over before Thursday - I had bloods taken etc to check if my blood cells are recovering suitably from the toxic onslaught! I have been prescribed some more drugs to help manage a couple of side effects I had trouble with - so the scene is set.
Abs came with me and then we did another pre chemo shop and a few other jobs . Was nice to spend a bit of quality time together !
I have pretty much just been house bound this past fortnight - so was nice to see a bit of life outside but once again I am feeling exhausted.
I am amazed how little it takes for tiredness to set in !

Tomorrow will be the usual whirl around and attempt at getting all in place for the next couple of weeks - the girls start back to school on Monday so I will have to have uniforms etc ready to go!!
I am going to miss having them at home with me - they are great company.
Well I am off to do a few bits and pieces in preparation for tomorrow - hope all is well with you wherever you are in the world......

"Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top . Then you will see how low it was " Dag Hammarskjold.

Shine on me .......

Well its over a week since my last blog entry and I have had a few messages to check if I had been admitted to hospital!
Thankfully that has not been the case - it has been an absolute miracle that I have not caught the bug that has hit Grandpa and B as they are still not quite over it themselves!
I still just have a slight head cold with runny nose - nothing more than that and no temperatures !
It have just been feeling really exhausted and I guess not firing on all cylinders.

It is hard to believe that next week I will be heading back for my next chemo treatment - overall this one has not been too bad - as I said before the symptoms have been manageable.
What I am realising though is that one of the unexpected parts is the isolation it puts you into. A friend I know who has been through breast cancer treatment herself said that it can be a lonely disease!
I have been so blessed to have caring people around me and wonderful meals arriving at the door etc and for this I am so thankful but I guess part of the challenge is that for the first 10 days or so after chemo - you are feeling so yuck that interacting with anyone is difficult and then for the week after that your white cell count is so low that you aren't able to interact with many people anyway.
In this last week I have missed out on being able to see my lovely friends new baby - the girls had been so excited to go and visit her at the hospital but unfortunately we couldn't go and now we have to wait until the weekend at least before a visit, another friend was having a surprise birthday tea which I had been invited to and couldn't go to either.
The laugh about it all is too - that just recently a good friend popped a meal over but I was very tired and a bit cranky when she came anyway.
Its a bit of a weird one - you miss seeing friends yet at the same time aren't really up to socialising as you usually would be - so hows that for a chinese puzzle!?!

Our home has been a buzz with activity and noise with Granny and Grandpa here and the girls on school holidays - b has also had a fare amount of time at home whilst studying for exams - he however is back to work full-time again this week , Granny and grandpa fly home on Tuesday and the girls go back to school the following Monday.
It will all be quite different in the weeks ahead - we are of course still waiting to hear about the exam and visa etc - so never a dull moment.

The weather has been a bit grim these last few days - rainy and overcast - perhaps that is affecting my mood.
I did also hear some sad news about a contact I have made on the breast cancer network I am part of .
It has been such a great way of getting first hand info and tips from ladies who have walked the road a further way than I have - but in connecting in you realise that not every story goes so well. This particular lady is such an inspiration and positive person - it is hard to know that greater challenges are ahead for her and her precious family. You feel so connected to those on the network and want so much to help walk the road together and shoulder the good and bad.
I also realise how fortunate I am with my pathology and how thankful I am for the promise of a hope and a future.

Well as I write this the sun is breaking through the clouds again - it is always there isn't it - just sometimes hidden from view for a bit !!!!

Seize the day !!!!!

So I know it wasn't long since my last blog and yet here I am again - thats what happens when you lie awake staring out of your daughters bedroom window into the night sky.
Too much time to think!!

I was lying again thinking about how much has happened in these last couple of months - funny thing is if you had asked me at the beginning of this year if I would cope with something like cancer - I would have laughed and said are you nuts!!!!
Before all this began we had already been going through a rough time related to many areas - work, staying here, indeed our long term future .
I was weary with it all then and yet as I look out into the night and the amazing sky of stars dancing in the darkness I am struck that although yes I am tired - at present I am not weary.
In these last months I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, faced a barrage of medical tests and procedures, may as well have taken up temporary accommodation at our local hospital, endured surgery and now my first chemotherapy.
In this last week I have had nausea, tingling hands and feet,  rash, itchy skin, sore bones, upset tummy and cramps, headaches, fatigue etc.
Each day I am faced with a body that is not as I have known it - I have an arm that I have to be aware of for the rest of my life , I have an armpit that will permanently remain numb , not to mention the challenge  of dressing!
And yet in all this I feel more like me than ever !!

I am not saying this road is easy - its not - but even today as I published a picture of my short hair on a social network page - I was reminded in an overwhelming way that I am not on this road alone.
Such kindness and care around in my world.
An encouraging word or deed - how powerful !!

Life has had its twists and turns along the way - it certainly has not been an uneventful road so far.
Yet here I am facing this giant and now I see a strength within me that I thought had long since past !
I know this is not of my own making and for that I am so thankful - those words I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me echo in my head.
Over my life my journey with Him has ebbed and flowed, been challenged and had challenges and yet I realise now more than ever that He is ever constant.
His love is truely unconditional and ever-present.
This is not just true for me but for you too!

So I guess my thoughts are don't wait for pain to stir you in these things - hold your life with both hands, tell those you love that you do , take time for those quiet moments of stargazing!!!
Choose your battles , take time on the simple things and live life fully.

I have shared before that a friend said that cancer is the gift that keeps on giving and yes the gifts are pretty lousy, but one gift that it has given, that is worth receiving, is having what matters in your life being brought into sharp focus.
Don't wait for something like cancer to do that for you.
Carpe diem - seize the day!!!!

Well it is now very late or early hehe - so I shall return to my star gazing and hopefully fall off to sleep!!!
I have the words of Fievel singing in my head ( the little mouse from An American Tale )

"Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight , someones thinking of me and loving me tonight....."

What a sweet thought xxxx

Hold on tight !!!!

Well Day 7 and still going!!!

It is another sunny winters day here  - very good for the soul.
It is incredibly quiet here on the farm today - B is doing his final prep for the exam tomorrow - eek - Miss C is off with Barbs on a girlie shopping day and sleepover - Grandpa is in bed with a very bad cold - and Miss A is relaxing in her room still in her pj's .
Lets trust it is not the calm before the storm!!!

I was advised that from about Day 7 - 14 to avoid being with lots of people and certainly to avoid anyone with any sort of cold etc.
Hmm well that is going to be a bit tricky since my lovely husband and his dad are both coughing and spluttering.
Not the best timing!! B seems a bit better today thankfully but poor old grandpa is not sounding good at all.
He is spending the day in his bedroom today - I have opened all the windows and even put the ceiling fans on to clear the air!
The house is chilly but I am focussed on getting that fresh air through!

I had a slight panic attack last night as the men in the household were spreading their germs. I packed my bag for the hospital in anticipation of a late night visit!
I was told that at any sign of illness or rise in temperature in myself that I should head straight to emergency , take no chances and present my very special pass go quickly card to the staff on duty.
I would then be taken aside immeadiately and have bloods etc taken to check my white blood cell count.
The usual plan of action is hospital admission and isolation on intravenous antibiotics for a number of days!!
How would I survive without my laptop - hehe - we have become quite attached recently!!!!!
What a laugh - there I was whirling around packing my bag like I was about to be hit by the bubonic plaque!!
So much for having faith no matter what!!
Well I reminded myself of what I had said just recently and once again realised that nothing is in my control.
That no matter what, I need to trust God - be wise and sensible with the necessary precautions etc of course - but no matter what, I am in his hands.
Amazing how peace was restored.

So last night I slept in with Miss A. Sleep being a very loose term - we definitely need to get her a new mattress!!
She of course thought it was great - a sleepover with mum - she was relegated to a spare mattress on the floor.
We had a nice chat and then before long she was fast asleep. She had had a very busy and funfilled day down in the Big city with a friend and her daughter. She was all shopped out!!
I lay awake off and on most of the night enjoying the view of the night sky and stars from her window.
Was very peaceful and lay with memories and thoughts of our life that had led to this point.
That is a whole other blog hehe .

So here we are - the day before B takes the final plunge. It will be such a relief to have that at least behind us!
Would have been nice to go and do something to celebrate after but all in good time.
It is going to be one humdinger of a party in December for sure ....